After 5 months of dating, the bf and I are about to sign a lease on a place of our own. Something in me is forcing myself to not get excited until we actually sign the lease and it's official but this is a whole new chapter of my life that I cannot wait to start.
I have been living on my own for four years now, I guess being the ultimate bachelorette. It has been a very lonely, unhappy four years. This man who blew in to my life completely unexpectedly makes me happier than I have ever been and all I want to do is make a life with him. Literally, not physically... well at least not yet. Babies are hopefully, years away.
In the upcoming weeks I will be packing up my apartment and getting ready to become a couple that lives together. And while the concept is scaring the shit out of me, it's also making me more excited than a kid on Christmas morning. Sure we'll disagree, I know it won't always be sunshine and rainbows, but this feels right.
I have fallen head over heels for this man and unlike all the other guys I have spent time with, he takes care of me and treats me right. He takes my car to get it washed while I'm at work, he always holds my coat for me so I can put it on, holds open doors, carries the shopping bags. He's a real man who knows how to treat me and I am so thankful that he is in my life and I look forward to growing old with him.
A lot can change in 12 months, huh? I'm entering in to 2010 a completely different person than this time last year.
Happy holidays and here's to hoping that 2010 brings nothing but joy for all of us.
24 December 2009
10 November 2009
Look Out The Window, Pigs Are Flying by
As cliche as the saying is, everyone has their good days and bad days. And while I still am high strung and easily stressed out at the end of the day I am content. Not the type of contentment that is kin to settling for something less than you deserve just to have something but the contentment that is a cat curled up in the sun all nice and warm purring away. My sun is a brown-eyed man who blew in to my life and swept me off my feet before I knew what was happening.
My toxic family can still break my down to a sobbing mess but now I have a pair of strong arms to pick me up, be brutally honest in telling me how I need to not let their drama bother me (because he cars and doesn't want me to be hurt), and who will provide me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I finally feel like there's someone in my corner, someone who wants to protect me and keep me from harm. After 28 years of fighting to put up sandbags around me to try and protect myself from the tsunami of emotional hell that is my relationship with my parents feeling so alone in the storm it's like a rescue line has finally been tossed to me. He might not understand what's going on or be able to sympathize with why their words and actions cause me to break down, but he's there for me and that's all I need.
I'm finally really, truly, happy. It's such a foreign feeling but a welcome one.
I can honestly see myself building a life with this man and being happy to wake up next to him every morning until I take my last breath in this lifetime. It's an utterly terrifying and yet completely exciting feeling.
My toxic family can still break my down to a sobbing mess but now I have a pair of strong arms to pick me up, be brutally honest in telling me how I need to not let their drama bother me (because he cars and doesn't want me to be hurt), and who will provide me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I finally feel like there's someone in my corner, someone who wants to protect me and keep me from harm. After 28 years of fighting to put up sandbags around me to try and protect myself from the tsunami of emotional hell that is my relationship with my parents feeling so alone in the storm it's like a rescue line has finally been tossed to me. He might not understand what's going on or be able to sympathize with why their words and actions cause me to break down, but he's there for me and that's all I need.
I'm finally really, truly, happy. It's such a foreign feeling but a welcome one.
I can honestly see myself building a life with this man and being happy to wake up next to him every morning until I take my last breath in this lifetime. It's an utterly terrifying and yet completely exciting feeling.
30 September 2009
At Another Crossroad
I'm a little ashamed to admit that after spending a summer with the potential boy, that I'm completely and utterly falling for him. I can't stop thinking about him, I can't stop talking about him, and I miss him like crazy even though we talk every day.
It just feels so... right. But I don't know if it feels right because it actually is right or if it feels right only because I have nothing else to compare it to. Maybe this is the norm, nothing special, what every other beginning of a relationship feels like no matter what the outcome. Or maybe it is more, the potential boy is the first guy I have had feelings for that I can picture sharing my life with. And I mean forever life - taking his last name, buying a house, having kids, growing old together. We talk about it all the time and it blows my mind how comfortable HE is about having those talks and sharing in the daydream of playing "what if".
Right now all I can think of is wanting to move in with him, for us to get a place of our own. Me, who has never had a roommate, who has worked thousands of extra hours and fought tooth and nail to keep my apartment, my little piece of sanity. And the thing is I know it's a bad idea this early on because while he's laid back now he hasn't completely seen me at my worst and I know that there are many aspects to living with someone, especially your boyfriend that I'm not ready to face or handle right now.
But that's where my head is at, I want to be able to fall asleep next to him every night and not just on the weekends. I'm beginning to think that Fate had a plan for me in making me wait so long to finally find a guy who wanted to claim me and not play head games and be non-committal. That I had to go lonely for so many years so that I could truly appreciate being happy when the time came.
And I am, I am the happiest I have been in.... forever.
It just feels so... right. But I don't know if it feels right because it actually is right or if it feels right only because I have nothing else to compare it to. Maybe this is the norm, nothing special, what every other beginning of a relationship feels like no matter what the outcome. Or maybe it is more, the potential boy is the first guy I have had feelings for that I can picture sharing my life with. And I mean forever life - taking his last name, buying a house, having kids, growing old together. We talk about it all the time and it blows my mind how comfortable HE is about having those talks and sharing in the daydream of playing "what if".
Right now all I can think of is wanting to move in with him, for us to get a place of our own. Me, who has never had a roommate, who has worked thousands of extra hours and fought tooth and nail to keep my apartment, my little piece of sanity. And the thing is I know it's a bad idea this early on because while he's laid back now he hasn't completely seen me at my worst and I know that there are many aspects to living with someone, especially your boyfriend that I'm not ready to face or handle right now.
But that's where my head is at, I want to be able to fall asleep next to him every night and not just on the weekends. I'm beginning to think that Fate had a plan for me in making me wait so long to finally find a guy who wanted to claim me and not play head games and be non-committal. That I had to go lonely for so many years so that I could truly appreciate being happy when the time came.
And I am, I am the happiest I have been in.... forever.
24 August 2009
The Life and Times of a Grown-Up Red
So over the past few months I've realized that when I'm actually happy, my blogger muse goes on vacation. I'm not exactly sure what that says about me as a person... that I have nothing to write about when things are actually going well in my life but I'd much rather be happy and not blogging than to be miserable and writing.
With that being said, I, Red, have been in an actual relationship for over a month now. After 28 years and many failed attempts I found a man who wanted to claim me and make me his girlfriend - not only that, he didn't dick around dragging things out to decide if he was really interested or not. And I couldn't be happier. Perhaps that's why I haven't been able to come up with a nickname for him since he's far more real than any of the boys I have nicknamed in the past. He is my boyfriend and he is a man, not a boy - and that makes all the difference in the world.
This is all new ground I'm walking and it's completely terrifying, but I'm enjoying it completely. Getting to know the bf over the last couple of months has made me realize that I never really LIKED any of the boys from my past even if in the moment I thought I did. It puts everything in to perspective and makes me slightly embarrassed over the emotional drama I've gone through crying over boys who weren't even worth my time let alone my tears.
Who knows, maybe this was my version of celibacy until marriage - I was subconsciously just waiting for the right man to come along before I exchanged boyfriend/girlfriend labels, choosing not to waste my time and effort on those who were not worthy of it.
No one can predict the future and I'm well aware that we're still in that everything is sunshine and rainbows early stages of a relationship, but we've had way more gut wrenching, real conversations than most couples do in their first year of dating. We talk about our potential future and it's scary but makes me excited about what might happen rather than making me want to run to save myself from the hurt if it doesn't happen. I absolutely love that he looks like a bad ass, that he served our country (as a Marine no less... that's hardcore manly shit), and yet on the inside he's a sweetheart. It's the best of both worlds and what I've been attempting to find for all these years. Who knew that it would only take an old friend from high school to get married and a re-introduction to her little bro for me to find what I've been looking for.
With that being said, I, Red, have been in an actual relationship for over a month now. After 28 years and many failed attempts I found a man who wanted to claim me and make me his girlfriend - not only that, he didn't dick around dragging things out to decide if he was really interested or not. And I couldn't be happier. Perhaps that's why I haven't been able to come up with a nickname for him since he's far more real than any of the boys I have nicknamed in the past. He is my boyfriend and he is a man, not a boy - and that makes all the difference in the world.
This is all new ground I'm walking and it's completely terrifying, but I'm enjoying it completely. Getting to know the bf over the last couple of months has made me realize that I never really LIKED any of the boys from my past even if in the moment I thought I did. It puts everything in to perspective and makes me slightly embarrassed over the emotional drama I've gone through crying over boys who weren't even worth my time let alone my tears.
Who knows, maybe this was my version of celibacy until marriage - I was subconsciously just waiting for the right man to come along before I exchanged boyfriend/girlfriend labels, choosing not to waste my time and effort on those who were not worthy of it.
No one can predict the future and I'm well aware that we're still in that everything is sunshine and rainbows early stages of a relationship, but we've had way more gut wrenching, real conversations than most couples do in their first year of dating. We talk about our potential future and it's scary but makes me excited about what might happen rather than making me want to run to save myself from the hurt if it doesn't happen. I absolutely love that he looks like a bad ass, that he served our country (as a Marine no less... that's hardcore manly shit), and yet on the inside he's a sweetheart. It's the best of both worlds and what I've been attempting to find for all these years. Who knew that it would only take an old friend from high school to get married and a re-introduction to her little bro for me to find what I've been looking for.
04 July 2009
"I think we're alone now. The beating of our hearts is the only sound."
So things are progressing nicely with the potential boy whom I still cannot nickname. Up until now we have only seen each other in the presence of others, never alone, and while we talk easily on the phone for hours I know that our first one-on-one time will be a true indicator of how I feel.
The situation terrifies me, every time we talk he says things that boys just don't say to girls anymore. Knowing I was having a hard time with Father's Day since I did not want to have to spend the day with my father's wife, the potential boy told me that I am who I am because of the people in my life and that he likes who I am so I should thank my father for him. He admitted to me that he feels like a school girl every time he calls me because he gets nervous. Appearance wise he looks like he should be a bad ass with a d-bag personality... but so far it seems like he's just a manly man who is also a sweet man. I honestly did not think any of them still existed.
Of course me being the jaded cynic that I am I keep waiting for the ball to drop and true colors to come out... or for me to screw it up. Talking about the potential boy with friends, I have come to realize that I have never really liked any of the other boys who have shared my bed (the potential is currently on first waiting for the game to resume). I have been in like with situations I have been in, I have liked the sex I have had with a few of them, but as for the boys themselves? I had slightly more than friendly feelings for them but not much more. If things continue as they have started with the potential boy I can see myself falling for him. It's brand new territory for me and because circumstances are not perfect I can't help but think that things will continue towards something.
We will be spending tomorrow afternoon with each other - all by ourselves. I am both excited and scared out of my mind. This all came out of left field and was completely unexpected. Perhaps my night will end tomorrow with the Rom Com cliche of both literal and figurative fireworks. Only time will tell.
The situation terrifies me, every time we talk he says things that boys just don't say to girls anymore. Knowing I was having a hard time with Father's Day since I did not want to have to spend the day with my father's wife, the potential boy told me that I am who I am because of the people in my life and that he likes who I am so I should thank my father for him. He admitted to me that he feels like a school girl every time he calls me because he gets nervous. Appearance wise he looks like he should be a bad ass with a d-bag personality... but so far it seems like he's just a manly man who is also a sweet man. I honestly did not think any of them still existed.
Of course me being the jaded cynic that I am I keep waiting for the ball to drop and true colors to come out... or for me to screw it up. Talking about the potential boy with friends, I have come to realize that I have never really liked any of the other boys who have shared my bed (the potential is currently on first waiting for the game to resume). I have been in like with situations I have been in, I have liked the sex I have had with a few of them, but as for the boys themselves? I had slightly more than friendly feelings for them but not much more. If things continue as they have started with the potential boy I can see myself falling for him. It's brand new territory for me and because circumstances are not perfect I can't help but think that things will continue towards something.
We will be spending tomorrow afternoon with each other - all by ourselves. I am both excited and scared out of my mind. This all came out of left field and was completely unexpected. Perhaps my night will end tomorrow with the Rom Com cliche of both literal and figurative fireworks. Only time will tell.
18 June 2009
"Once again I'm riding shotgun, to everything that's on my mind."
For the first time since I've been blogging, I am at a loss on what nickname to use for a boy I'm potentially interested in. I'm not sure what that exactly means about him, I know enough to come up with a nickname yet as much as I ponder it my mind stays blank. I had a manager once who said he'll know I'm serious about someone when I stop referring to him as a boy and start saying "my man". Perhaps the nicknaming goes along with that, guess only time will tell.
Regardless, I was very disappointed when the weekend passed without a second call from him. I know I had said how I was busy all weekend so I wrote it off as him acknowledging the fact I had said I really wasn't free. It's so frustrating to be at this stage where you think there is potential interest with a guy and yet there is no validation that the same thoughts are crossing his mind. With my past history with guys this also comes with another worry - does he just want a hookup, or does he actually want to date me?
On paper there's a decent size "con" list to what I know about him, things that if I didn't know the guy would cause me to never give him a chance. There's even some deal breakers - these don't change because of him, but I seem to be able to overlook them because of him. I learned from season one of Tough Love to not make lists and analyze perceived faults before allowing a guy the chance to get to know him; and this is what I will attempt to do.
Then last night my phone rang and there was his name, he opened with that he was thinking about me and that he hadn't heard from me (oops, I'm bad with phone etiquette especially when it comes to guys... I just cannot make the phone call early on). While I still don't know where his mind is at I'd like to think that it's looking good so far. Especially since we talked for two and a half hours without any real lag in the conversation. He makes me laugh and I find myself really wanting to see him again.
Unfortunately he lives an hour away so prior planning will need to happen to see him and the weather is not cooperating to pull a "I was in the neighborhood because I felt like a hike, want to join me?" move. So hopefully I'll be able to hang out with him very soon. I think we need a one-on-one hangout (I hate dates so I'm refusing the use the terminology) to see if there's anything there and to figure out where his head is at.
The bad thing is I've never been a patient person but I don't have a choice since I'm booked all next weekend and this Sunday is Father's Day which eats up time this weekend. So I will wait and try to not over think everything (and more importantly I will try not to daydream about the fairy tale ending that I want) and hope that we get to see each other soon.
Regardless, I was very disappointed when the weekend passed without a second call from him. I know I had said how I was busy all weekend so I wrote it off as him acknowledging the fact I had said I really wasn't free. It's so frustrating to be at this stage where you think there is potential interest with a guy and yet there is no validation that the same thoughts are crossing his mind. With my past history with guys this also comes with another worry - does he just want a hookup, or does he actually want to date me?
On paper there's a decent size "con" list to what I know about him, things that if I didn't know the guy would cause me to never give him a chance. There's even some deal breakers - these don't change because of him, but I seem to be able to overlook them because of him. I learned from season one of Tough Love to not make lists and analyze perceived faults before allowing a guy the chance to get to know him; and this is what I will attempt to do.
Then last night my phone rang and there was his name, he opened with that he was thinking about me and that he hadn't heard from me (oops, I'm bad with phone etiquette especially when it comes to guys... I just cannot make the phone call early on). While I still don't know where his mind is at I'd like to think that it's looking good so far. Especially since we talked for two and a half hours without any real lag in the conversation. He makes me laugh and I find myself really wanting to see him again.
Unfortunately he lives an hour away so prior planning will need to happen to see him and the weather is not cooperating to pull a "I was in the neighborhood because I felt like a hike, want to join me?" move. So hopefully I'll be able to hang out with him very soon. I think we need a one-on-one hangout (I hate dates so I'm refusing the use the terminology) to see if there's anything there and to figure out where his head is at.
The bad thing is I've never been a patient person but I don't have a choice since I'm booked all next weekend and this Sunday is Father's Day which eats up time this weekend. So I will wait and try to not over think everything (and more importantly I will try not to daydream about the fairy tale ending that I want) and hope that we get to see each other soon.
09 June 2009
"This time, I won't let my emotions rule my life. This time, I'm gonna keep my heart locked safe inside. This time..."
Most aspects of life puzzle me, some amaze me, and still others show how truly ironic life can be. And while I cannot speak for others, my life seems to have a habit of throwing me curve balls before I've taken my stance at the plate. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am and other times I'm shocked that matters are not worse.
At the end of May I found myself in a position all too familiar to single women in their late 20s - of attending a wedding without a +1. Not only did I lack a date for the affair, but I also would be attending without my fellow single girls by my side to drink and dance the night away. While excited to go to the wedding, I knew that nothing points out being single more than going to a wedding alone. So I did what all single women do in my situation, we find the hottest dress we can, we make sure our makeup and hair are perfect, and we make sure to always have wine in our glass and a smile on our lips.
Yet I found myself part way through the reception with a constant dance partner in a completely unexpected form. Not only did he keep getting me out on the floor, but he brought me cake when I missed it. How could I not pause to think about a boy who brings me cake? Yet he's technically off limits due to girl-code, which gives me pause. It's not that I'm crushing on him, but more intrigued by him.
I do know that part of the reason why I'm intrigued is because while he's been friendly, he hasn't flirted nor made an advance and so I am at a loss as to whether he's interested in me or not. I hung out with him and a few others this past Saturday and it was comfortable and fun. He also called me less than 24-hours later (isn't that breaking the Bro Code of the three day rule?) and we talked for an hour. He professed to having a good time the night before and that he'd like to hang out again. But again no clear "he's interested" signals flashing.
Honestly I don't know what I think, there are many reasons why I hesitate, very good reasons for pushing him out of my mind as someone I shouldn't think twice about. And yet some of those very same reasons draw me towards the idea of him even more. Right now I'm just waiting for him to show one of the cards in his hand before I can begin to make up my own mind. Though because of Hoes over Bros I know that to go down this road it would have to be more than just a hook up which changes the way the game is played.
Only time will tell how this plays out, and while I'm not sure what I'm feeling I do know that I am excited at the prospect of seeing him again. And whether it's him or someone else, I do know that I am going to try with all of my power to keep my heart locked away and not let emotions rule how I act. As much as I hate dating, it's exactly what I want to do - what I need to do. I don't want to get stuck in the hanging out black hole that always leads to frustration and never a relationship. I'm tired of playing with boys, I want a man... a man who will step up and claim me as his own (for the time being, I'm not looking for a ring on my left hand any time in the near future).
I've never been good at the waiting game though... but I don't seem to have a choice in the matter in this case.
As for the ghost of hook-ups past: Mr. Tight-End is still on my mind, I wish that he was someone who could be more than what he is in my life. Yet he and I would never/could never date. It wouldn't work, which is just mean that the physical can be so amazing with him but I can't have it with the emotional. I'm still avoiding Benedick, I'm not ready to be friendly and pretend he hasn't been a complete ass just yet. If he would come clean without me having to say anything I might want to move forward as if nothing had happened; but until then he is essentially dead to me. Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me. In the theme of avoidance I haven't really talked to Casper since our date. I feel guilty about all of it but I can't help what gets me going and what doesn't. Most of the time I spent on Saturday with the guy from the wedding (nickname TBD), all I could think about was what it would be like for him to kiss me, wanting him to kiss me. On my date with Casper I was worried about that moment since I wasn't feeling the situation or him.
I've started to realize that all these boys makes it look like I'm a complete baller. But I can easily walk down the street overflowing with guys and they wouldn't notice me. Girls who get noticed and remembered get boyfriends plain and simple - for the most part I might as well be invisible with the lack of attention I seem to attract.
Just like Sleeping Beauty lies in wait for Philip to wake her with a kiss, I lie in wait for the man who will finally break my relationship curse. Will it be a ghost of hook-ups past, the guy from the wedding, or someone I have yet to meet? I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I do plan on being smarter from here on out and not repeating the mistakes I have made before. The man who breaks the curse will need to earn my trust, my love, my devotion and until he proves himself worthy I am determined to finally be my own best friend this time.
At the end of May I found myself in a position all too familiar to single women in their late 20s - of attending a wedding without a +1. Not only did I lack a date for the affair, but I also would be attending without my fellow single girls by my side to drink and dance the night away. While excited to go to the wedding, I knew that nothing points out being single more than going to a wedding alone. So I did what all single women do in my situation, we find the hottest dress we can, we make sure our makeup and hair are perfect, and we make sure to always have wine in our glass and a smile on our lips.
Yet I found myself part way through the reception with a constant dance partner in a completely unexpected form. Not only did he keep getting me out on the floor, but he brought me cake when I missed it. How could I not pause to think about a boy who brings me cake? Yet he's technically off limits due to girl-code, which gives me pause. It's not that I'm crushing on him, but more intrigued by him.
I do know that part of the reason why I'm intrigued is because while he's been friendly, he hasn't flirted nor made an advance and so I am at a loss as to whether he's interested in me or not. I hung out with him and a few others this past Saturday and it was comfortable and fun. He also called me less than 24-hours later (isn't that breaking the Bro Code of the three day rule?) and we talked for an hour. He professed to having a good time the night before and that he'd like to hang out again. But again no clear "he's interested" signals flashing.
Honestly I don't know what I think, there are many reasons why I hesitate, very good reasons for pushing him out of my mind as someone I shouldn't think twice about. And yet some of those very same reasons draw me towards the idea of him even more. Right now I'm just waiting for him to show one of the cards in his hand before I can begin to make up my own mind. Though because of Hoes over Bros I know that to go down this road it would have to be more than just a hook up which changes the way the game is played.
Only time will tell how this plays out, and while I'm not sure what I'm feeling I do know that I am excited at the prospect of seeing him again. And whether it's him or someone else, I do know that I am going to try with all of my power to keep my heart locked away and not let emotions rule how I act. As much as I hate dating, it's exactly what I want to do - what I need to do. I don't want to get stuck in the hanging out black hole that always leads to frustration and never a relationship. I'm tired of playing with boys, I want a man... a man who will step up and claim me as his own (for the time being, I'm not looking for a ring on my left hand any time in the near future).
I've never been good at the waiting game though... but I don't seem to have a choice in the matter in this case.
As for the ghost of hook-ups past: Mr. Tight-End is still on my mind, I wish that he was someone who could be more than what he is in my life. Yet he and I would never/could never date. It wouldn't work, which is just mean that the physical can be so amazing with him but I can't have it with the emotional. I'm still avoiding Benedick, I'm not ready to be friendly and pretend he hasn't been a complete ass just yet. If he would come clean without me having to say anything I might want to move forward as if nothing had happened; but until then he is essentially dead to me. Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me. In the theme of avoidance I haven't really talked to Casper since our date. I feel guilty about all of it but I can't help what gets me going and what doesn't. Most of the time I spent on Saturday with the guy from the wedding (nickname TBD), all I could think about was what it would be like for him to kiss me, wanting him to kiss me. On my date with Casper I was worried about that moment since I wasn't feeling the situation or him.
I've started to realize that all these boys makes it look like I'm a complete baller. But I can easily walk down the street overflowing with guys and they wouldn't notice me. Girls who get noticed and remembered get boyfriends plain and simple - for the most part I might as well be invisible with the lack of attention I seem to attract.
Just like Sleeping Beauty lies in wait for Philip to wake her with a kiss, I lie in wait for the man who will finally break my relationship curse. Will it be a ghost of hook-ups past, the guy from the wedding, or someone I have yet to meet? I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I do plan on being smarter from here on out and not repeating the mistakes I have made before. The man who breaks the curse will need to earn my trust, my love, my devotion and until he proves himself worthy I am determined to finally be my own best friend this time.
28 May 2009
"So you can keep your belief in whatever. I'll wear my cynicism like a tattoo."
So the great boy boycott of '08-'09 has ended, and while I would have put money on it being broken by Benedick he wasn't the boy who finally broke down the door. And what a breaking down it was! It's been weeks and I'm still grinning... and wondering why I didn't tell that boy to get his gorgeous behind to my apartment sooner. But more on that later, this story needs to play out in order.
After Benedick's status change he disappeared from my life, even days before those horrible three words he was chatting me up on AIM. But after, nothing - not that I have anything nice to say to him. Come hockey season we can talk sports again but we've never been friends so why start now? Then again, if he did want to be friends with me he should have stepped up and told me he was actually dating someone and more importantly that he got himself a girlfriend (I still hope she's hideous) as a common courtesy. Whatever, the world still hasn't stopped spinning after finally getting off that merry-go-round; and not in the good way.
Part of me feels like a toddler learning how to walk, I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other but all I end up doing is stubbing my toes and doing face plants. But I have decided that I need to put myself out there into situations where something could happen... which also means I have to start dating as much as I hate dates. There's nothing organic about the awkwardness of the first couple of dates with someone new. They're painful and I never end up being myself. I don't make good first impressions, I'm someone that will grow on you but I don't think I'm automatically loved. Like sushi you need to get used to the taste before you can truly enjoy the experience. Ok that sounds kind of naughty... but I guess on some level it still fits.
But here's where things get a little bit sticky and I think I stepped a tad too far over the slut line. But I know why I reacted the way I did so I don't regret my actions in the slightest. I went on a date with Casper, and he continued to be the shy, nice guy... and that's about when I hopped off the train. I have a slight issue with only wanting to be with the boys who don't want to date me and running away from the ones who show actual interest in me and not just getting me naked. Casper is awesome and unfortunately I don't know if I'm not into it because my defense mechanisms have kicked into high gear or if I'm actually just not that into him. But the fact of the matter is that I didn't want to rip his clothes off and for me, having that desire is at the top of my list when it comes to liking a guy. Sex and sexual attraction are very, very important to me... and after not having sex (or anything) for 13 months I should have been at a point where I had no standards but I just wasn't feeling it. And I still feel horrible that I don't because Casper is the type of guy I need in my life right now, but I can't lead him on after he's shown interest when I know I'd be going on a second date just to see if I'm being a complete commitment-phobe or not.
The following morning Mr. Tight-end IMs me and throws out that he should swing by on his way through town... and I found myself saying yes even though it made me feel slightly dirty knowing I had been on a date with Casper less than 24 hrs prior. But here's the thing about MTE - I know what I can and can't have with him, there's no drama, no second guessing and while it won't be a road that leads to a relationship I can still appreciate him for that. I'll admit I hadn't heard his voice in over two years and when he called to get directions I found myself jumping around my apartment and grinning like an idiot. And then seeing him at my door, actually there in person... I was smitten all over again. I couldn't have asked for a better way to break my boycott, or a better person to break it with. And oh my god I forgot how hot he is, his long lashes, cute school boy smile, and all the muscles.
If I could smush the shy, nice guy who wants to date me aspects of Casper into the body and sexual chemistry (and skill) of MTE I would be a very, very happy girl. Sadly life doesn't work that way... even worse is that my life seems to either offer me the boy who will be a good boyfriend and treat me well or the boy who my body craves the touch of but never both in the same body. Ah the trials and tribulations of being a single gal in her late 20s.
Me being the person I am my online status the following work day announced that the boycott was ending. And I'll admit I posted it to see if that would entice Benedick to make contact. It worked, he wished me congrats, then made a comment about the silence when I chose not to respond. He then made a second attempt the following day saying he just wanted to "catch up" but I said I was busy and signed off. A little childish but seriously, I'm not about to talk about my sex life with him. And how DARE he try and act like he's not a jerk and that nothing has happened that he needs to explain or apologize for. We're not cool nor will I feed into his masochistic needs to dig for details about who is seeing me naked. He had his chance to claim me, he chose not to and that's the end of that.
Oh, and one thing I don't get? A few weeks ago at a networking event my friend and I ended up chatting with this boy (he's 24, he's a baby) who was nice but who completely shocked me when upon excusing himself from the table, asked for my number. I gave him one of my personal business cards but in all honesty didn't even know if I wanted him to call me or not. Two days later he sent me an email (yes email not a phone call... that's a negative) and said it was nice meeting me and suggested meeting up sometime the following week. It took me a few days to respond since I don't check that account often but now it's been well over a week and no response. What's the point of asking for my number, emailing me suggesting we hang out and then just never making contact again? I understand the game of "can I get her #" but then you just never do anything about it or throw her card into a drought drawer you don't shoot her an email and then disappear. What gives?
I'm frustrated overall and at a loss as to how to fix things. Clearly I need to reassess what makes me tick and the types of boys that get me going or else I'll be single forever. Over dinner the other week one of my closest friends told me that with any of her other close friends she could be in a public place and easily pick out their type of guy, the one she knows they'd be making eyes at if they saw them but that I'm her only friend she can't do that for. And if one of my best friends doesn't know how to pick out a guy she'll know I'll like that obviously means that *I* don't know what kind of boy I like. I'm pushing 30 and I think I've finally figured out who I am, yet here I am living the life of a quasi hermit without any dates lined up for the foreseeable future and no clear solution in sight. If I can't find the attraction in a boy who wants to pursue a relationship with me I'll end up alone or settling (which is worse) so I truly need to get my act together and stop this nonsense of chasing after guys I can't have in the way I want.
Until I figure it out though I will continue to be the snarky girl in the corner wearing her cynicism like a tattoo daring the world to challenge her views on life, boys, and love.
After Benedick's status change he disappeared from my life, even days before those horrible three words he was chatting me up on AIM. But after, nothing - not that I have anything nice to say to him. Come hockey season we can talk sports again but we've never been friends so why start now? Then again, if he did want to be friends with me he should have stepped up and told me he was actually dating someone and more importantly that he got himself a girlfriend (I still hope she's hideous) as a common courtesy. Whatever, the world still hasn't stopped spinning after finally getting off that merry-go-round; and not in the good way.
Part of me feels like a toddler learning how to walk, I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other but all I end up doing is stubbing my toes and doing face plants. But I have decided that I need to put myself out there into situations where something could happen... which also means I have to start dating as much as I hate dates. There's nothing organic about the awkwardness of the first couple of dates with someone new. They're painful and I never end up being myself. I don't make good first impressions, I'm someone that will grow on you but I don't think I'm automatically loved. Like sushi you need to get used to the taste before you can truly enjoy the experience. Ok that sounds kind of naughty... but I guess on some level it still fits.
But here's where things get a little bit sticky and I think I stepped a tad too far over the slut line. But I know why I reacted the way I did so I don't regret my actions in the slightest. I went on a date with Casper, and he continued to be the shy, nice guy... and that's about when I hopped off the train. I have a slight issue with only wanting to be with the boys who don't want to date me and running away from the ones who show actual interest in me and not just getting me naked. Casper is awesome and unfortunately I don't know if I'm not into it because my defense mechanisms have kicked into high gear or if I'm actually just not that into him. But the fact of the matter is that I didn't want to rip his clothes off and for me, having that desire is at the top of my list when it comes to liking a guy. Sex and sexual attraction are very, very important to me... and after not having sex (or anything) for 13 months I should have been at a point where I had no standards but I just wasn't feeling it. And I still feel horrible that I don't because Casper is the type of guy I need in my life right now, but I can't lead him on after he's shown interest when I know I'd be going on a second date just to see if I'm being a complete commitment-phobe or not.
The following morning Mr. Tight-end IMs me and throws out that he should swing by on his way through town... and I found myself saying yes even though it made me feel slightly dirty knowing I had been on a date with Casper less than 24 hrs prior. But here's the thing about MTE - I know what I can and can't have with him, there's no drama, no second guessing and while it won't be a road that leads to a relationship I can still appreciate him for that. I'll admit I hadn't heard his voice in over two years and when he called to get directions I found myself jumping around my apartment and grinning like an idiot. And then seeing him at my door, actually there in person... I was smitten all over again. I couldn't have asked for a better way to break my boycott, or a better person to break it with. And oh my god I forgot how hot he is, his long lashes, cute school boy smile, and all the muscles.
If I could smush the shy, nice guy who wants to date me aspects of Casper into the body and sexual chemistry (and skill) of MTE I would be a very, very happy girl. Sadly life doesn't work that way... even worse is that my life seems to either offer me the boy who will be a good boyfriend and treat me well or the boy who my body craves the touch of but never both in the same body. Ah the trials and tribulations of being a single gal in her late 20s.
Me being the person I am my online status the following work day announced that the boycott was ending. And I'll admit I posted it to see if that would entice Benedick to make contact. It worked, he wished me congrats, then made a comment about the silence when I chose not to respond. He then made a second attempt the following day saying he just wanted to "catch up" but I said I was busy and signed off. A little childish but seriously, I'm not about to talk about my sex life with him. And how DARE he try and act like he's not a jerk and that nothing has happened that he needs to explain or apologize for. We're not cool nor will I feed into his masochistic needs to dig for details about who is seeing me naked. He had his chance to claim me, he chose not to and that's the end of that.
Oh, and one thing I don't get? A few weeks ago at a networking event my friend and I ended up chatting with this boy (he's 24, he's a baby) who was nice but who completely shocked me when upon excusing himself from the table, asked for my number. I gave him one of my personal business cards but in all honesty didn't even know if I wanted him to call me or not. Two days later he sent me an email (yes email not a phone call... that's a negative) and said it was nice meeting me and suggested meeting up sometime the following week. It took me a few days to respond since I don't check that account often but now it's been well over a week and no response. What's the point of asking for my number, emailing me suggesting we hang out and then just never making contact again? I understand the game of "can I get her #" but then you just never do anything about it or throw her card into a drought drawer you don't shoot her an email and then disappear. What gives?
I'm frustrated overall and at a loss as to how to fix things. Clearly I need to reassess what makes me tick and the types of boys that get me going or else I'll be single forever. Over dinner the other week one of my closest friends told me that with any of her other close friends she could be in a public place and easily pick out their type of guy, the one she knows they'd be making eyes at if they saw them but that I'm her only friend she can't do that for. And if one of my best friends doesn't know how to pick out a guy she'll know I'll like that obviously means that *I* don't know what kind of boy I like. I'm pushing 30 and I think I've finally figured out who I am, yet here I am living the life of a quasi hermit without any dates lined up for the foreseeable future and no clear solution in sight. If I can't find the attraction in a boy who wants to pursue a relationship with me I'll end up alone or settling (which is worse) so I truly need to get my act together and stop this nonsense of chasing after guys I can't have in the way I want.
Until I figure it out though I will continue to be the snarky girl in the corner wearing her cynicism like a tattoo daring the world to challenge her views on life, boys, and love.
19 April 2009
"Are you willing to be had. Are you cool with just tonight?"
So through the beauty of the internet that provides too much information with minimal effort, I discovered last night that Benedick is apparently now in a relationship. Quick look out your window you might see a pig flying by. I don't know what to make of the news, not to mention the fact that I despise the announcement on facebook when someone changes their status from "single" to "in a relationship". Really? Do y'all need to announce this to everyone on your friends list? I just feel like it's tacky - not to mention it can be evil to people on your friends list who might be caught unawares.
Let's rewind for a minute to February when Benedick was attempting to see me and spend the night - he ended up canceling at the last minute but now I'm beginning to think that the reason he gave may have not been the truthful one. Then there was the dinner wager that we both knew meant far more than just dinner in March. Not to mention our IM convos a few weeks ago where he played 20 questions with me trying to dig into my personal life to see if he was the last guy I'd been with. I can only assume now that all of this happened while he was dating a girl. If we go back to Jan of '08 Benedick was being all crazy when he figured out that I had been hanging out with another guy while flirting with him. Clearly it's okay for him to DATE someone while making plans with me (even if nothing has happened in over a year) but I'm supposed to be sitting on my couch patiently waiting for him to decide he wants to see me again? Hello douche-bag the nice guy society called and they want your membership back.
He's the type of guy I NEVER thought would be dating someone before me let alone announcing it to the world on facebook. I feel betrayed and humiliated. Personally I think that if he had started dating someone he should have told me. I guess I should be happy that thanks to that f-ing announcement on my facebook homepage I couldn't stop looking at last night I know the truth and can get off the messed up merry-go-round that is what this was between the two of us.
It's not that I want to be with him. It's the fact that of all people I never expected him to be dating someone while I'm going on 2 years without having been on a date. I wish him the best, I truly do, but part of me still feels like I'm the best girl for him and he's such a moron for not seeing it - even though he's not the right guy for me.
On the other hand, Mr. Tight-end was supposed to come over Friday night but we had to take a rain check. I know, I know... SUCH a bad idea but it's been over a year and I really am at a point where I want a real, adult relationship - which also means waiting before clothes come off. And for me to be able to accomplish that I need to have some prior play time with a boy so I can wait it out with a worthy dude. Will Mr. Tight-end and I play again? At this point in time it's all talk and no action, I'll believe it when he rings my doorbell.
Then there's Casper... who perhaps just might be one of those members of the male species that is quickly going extinct - a nice guy. On top of that I think he's a SHY nice guy (the rarest kind of all). Which means that all the rules I've played by don't work. This could be a very good thing but right now I don't know where he stands with me and I also don't know how I feel about him. I do know that I had a blast hanging out with him one on one and that there wasn't even a moment of awkwardness which has to say something. I need to hang out with him again to be able to get a better feel for the situation. I know that I could really like him - and that terrifies me a bit since Casper is not at all like the guys I normally go for. In the end that may be exactly what I need right now in my life.
Benedick's new status did send me into a tailspin of emotion last night. Like being battered by waves crashing onto a shore the only thought that kept running through my head was that it's become quite clear with my past that I am the girl guys want to sleep with but none of them want to date. Ignoring the fact that every girl knows if they sleep with a guy right away they are throwing out the chance of becoming the girlfriend... sometimes sex can lead to a relationship but generally it doesn't.
But overall what's the factor that moves a girl from the "I want to sleep with her" to the "I have to date her" category? 'Cause clearly I'm missing something. I'm in my late 20s and through partially my own reasons of deciding not to date I have managed to make it through life without ever being called a girlfriend. While I'm brutally hard on myself I've always thought of myself as someone who would make an amazing girlfriend. Yet the only guys who want to date me are ones I am neither mentally or physically attracted to. I refuse to settle just so I don't have to wake up alone in the morning.
So guys, what qualities factor in when you meet a girl and are deciding on if you want to marry, sleep with, or throw her off a cliff?
Let's rewind for a minute to February when Benedick was attempting to see me and spend the night - he ended up canceling at the last minute but now I'm beginning to think that the reason he gave may have not been the truthful one. Then there was the dinner wager that we both knew meant far more than just dinner in March. Not to mention our IM convos a few weeks ago where he played 20 questions with me trying to dig into my personal life to see if he was the last guy I'd been with. I can only assume now that all of this happened while he was dating a girl. If we go back to Jan of '08 Benedick was being all crazy when he figured out that I had been hanging out with another guy while flirting with him. Clearly it's okay for him to DATE someone while making plans with me (even if nothing has happened in over a year) but I'm supposed to be sitting on my couch patiently waiting for him to decide he wants to see me again? Hello douche-bag the nice guy society called and they want your membership back.
He's the type of guy I NEVER thought would be dating someone before me let alone announcing it to the world on facebook. I feel betrayed and humiliated. Personally I think that if he had started dating someone he should have told me. I guess I should be happy that thanks to that f-ing announcement on my facebook homepage I couldn't stop looking at last night I know the truth and can get off the messed up merry-go-round that is what this was between the two of us.
It's not that I want to be with him. It's the fact that of all people I never expected him to be dating someone while I'm going on 2 years without having been on a date. I wish him the best, I truly do, but part of me still feels like I'm the best girl for him and he's such a moron for not seeing it - even though he's not the right guy for me.
On the other hand, Mr. Tight-end was supposed to come over Friday night but we had to take a rain check. I know, I know... SUCH a bad idea but it's been over a year and I really am at a point where I want a real, adult relationship - which also means waiting before clothes come off. And for me to be able to accomplish that I need to have some prior play time with a boy so I can wait it out with a worthy dude. Will Mr. Tight-end and I play again? At this point in time it's all talk and no action, I'll believe it when he rings my doorbell.
Then there's Casper... who perhaps just might be one of those members of the male species that is quickly going extinct - a nice guy. On top of that I think he's a SHY nice guy (the rarest kind of all). Which means that all the rules I've played by don't work. This could be a very good thing but right now I don't know where he stands with me and I also don't know how I feel about him. I do know that I had a blast hanging out with him one on one and that there wasn't even a moment of awkwardness which has to say something. I need to hang out with him again to be able to get a better feel for the situation. I know that I could really like him - and that terrifies me a bit since Casper is not at all like the guys I normally go for. In the end that may be exactly what I need right now in my life.
Benedick's new status did send me into a tailspin of emotion last night. Like being battered by waves crashing onto a shore the only thought that kept running through my head was that it's become quite clear with my past that I am the girl guys want to sleep with but none of them want to date. Ignoring the fact that every girl knows if they sleep with a guy right away they are throwing out the chance of becoming the girlfriend... sometimes sex can lead to a relationship but generally it doesn't.
But overall what's the factor that moves a girl from the "I want to sleep with her" to the "I have to date her" category? 'Cause clearly I'm missing something. I'm in my late 20s and through partially my own reasons of deciding not to date I have managed to make it through life without ever being called a girlfriend. While I'm brutally hard on myself I've always thought of myself as someone who would make an amazing girlfriend. Yet the only guys who want to date me are ones I am neither mentally or physically attracted to. I refuse to settle just so I don't have to wake up alone in the morning.
So guys, what qualities factor in when you meet a girl and are deciding on if you want to marry, sleep with, or throw her off a cliff?
22 March 2009
Falling Down the Rabbit Hole
In less than three weeks I will be spending a weekend visiting my past… at least a version of my past that is. During my public school years I stayed on the outskirts of the social circuit – I wasn’t completely invisible but I was often overlooked. My strongest memories of middle school and high school are filled with angst. I never wanted to be the center of attention but I wanted to be liked. So I helped the popular boys with their schoolwork, I let them cheat off of me on tests all in the attempt to be noticed. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I never learned the life lesson that only in made for TV movies does that work in getting the guy; in reality he’s just happy to have the power over a dork so he can spend his time having fun rather than hitting the books.
When I joined facebook I started looking for people I went to school with and found so many of them from my first high school. It took me a long time to start sending out the friend requests and even now there are those who I want to friend but haven’t yet. I moved at the end of quarter one of my sophomore year of high school – I was a brief blip on the high school radar and was easily forgotten. One day I was there, the next I was gone and by the end of sophomore year I was forgotten about. I was swallowed into the quicksand and life continued as if I had never been there in the first place.
Yet things were different for me – I pined to be back within those walls. Even now a decade after graduating from high school I still wonder how my life would have played out had I not moved. Who would I have developed friendships with, would I have dated anyone, where would I have gone to college, would I have found my calling in life? So many “what ifs?” running through my head that I will never be able to quiet. I know it’s something that I cannot go back in time and change so I need to stop wondering but I can’t help but feel that the train of my life went off the track the day I moved up to New Hampshire.
And now I’m about to embark on a weekend of reconnecting with people – some who I was never friends with when we were classmates or coworkers. I can’t help but feel a slight sense of panic about this – will they like the woman I have become? I have a thousand thoughts screaming through my head – this build up is so much worse than any first date ever could be.
I would love to be like Alice and fall down the rabbit hole back into my past to see what I was like over the years. How did my fellow classmates view me? What did they think about me? As self reflective as I am I’ll never be able to step outside of myself and see myself through other people’s eyes. I know what my friends tell me about myself but I’ve always wondered what people REALLY think about me – the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Bottom line is that as the days between now and my road trip the greater my anxiety will become. I’m sure the weekend will be fun but I would love to come out of it with newfound friendships and a stronger connection with those who are part of where home is to me. And perhaps I’ll be able to pull a Sally Fields: “you like me! You really like me!”
I also hope to come out of the weekend with plenty of stories to blog about. Maybe you can go back home after all.
When I joined facebook I started looking for people I went to school with and found so many of them from my first high school. It took me a long time to start sending out the friend requests and even now there are those who I want to friend but haven’t yet. I moved at the end of quarter one of my sophomore year of high school – I was a brief blip on the high school radar and was easily forgotten. One day I was there, the next I was gone and by the end of sophomore year I was forgotten about. I was swallowed into the quicksand and life continued as if I had never been there in the first place.
Yet things were different for me – I pined to be back within those walls. Even now a decade after graduating from high school I still wonder how my life would have played out had I not moved. Who would I have developed friendships with, would I have dated anyone, where would I have gone to college, would I have found my calling in life? So many “what ifs?” running through my head that I will never be able to quiet. I know it’s something that I cannot go back in time and change so I need to stop wondering but I can’t help but feel that the train of my life went off the track the day I moved up to New Hampshire.
And now I’m about to embark on a weekend of reconnecting with people – some who I was never friends with when we were classmates or coworkers. I can’t help but feel a slight sense of panic about this – will they like the woman I have become? I have a thousand thoughts screaming through my head – this build up is so much worse than any first date ever could be.
I would love to be like Alice and fall down the rabbit hole back into my past to see what I was like over the years. How did my fellow classmates view me? What did they think about me? As self reflective as I am I’ll never be able to step outside of myself and see myself through other people’s eyes. I know what my friends tell me about myself but I’ve always wondered what people REALLY think about me – the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Bottom line is that as the days between now and my road trip the greater my anxiety will become. I’m sure the weekend will be fun but I would love to come out of it with newfound friendships and a stronger connection with those who are part of where home is to me. And perhaps I’ll be able to pull a Sally Fields: “you like me! You really like me!”
I also hope to come out of the weekend with plenty of stories to blog about. Maybe you can go back home after all.
21 February 2009
Well so much for that…
After 10 months of holding firm to my boy boycott, I decided to finally break it. The plan was for Benedick to come over on Saturday night and while this was going to be good for me for the obvious reasons, it would also force me to clean my apartment. He’s been trying to get me to break my boycott since he learned of it back in August, though he stepped up his game this past week. My theory was that while I understood why I decided to give up boys there also comes a point where it’s just ridiculous to deprive myself of sex in hopes that in the mean time I’ll find my Lloyd Dobler and live happily ever after. This is reality not a rom-com movie after all.
Since I’m a procrastinator all I’ve managed to do this week up until today was do laundry so I left all the cleaning for tonight and Saturday before work (which was plenty of time so it wasn’t that big of a deal). Part of me is glad now that I didn’t break my back frantically cleaning my apartment all week since I learned today that Saturday got called off over a double booking of Benedick’s time. Like the group Betty said; "Well I guess I shaved my legs for nothing/ I never shoulda cleaned the tub or the sink/”. While the oversight in and of itself is reasonable I’m annoyed because this just further solidifies WHY I chose to swear off boys. Clearly Fate does not want me having sex – she and I are now fighting because that's just playing dirty.
I feel completely rejected and borderline humiliated that I got talked into the current position I am in. Here I’ve been all good and “no, no boys are allowed to see me naked until further notice” with Benedick and Sinatra regardless that I want to have sex with both of them (not at the same time, I have no interest in anything with more than one other person when it comes to grown up activities). And then I’m all “sure, ok!” making plans for him to come over when all he really did was ask at the right weak moment. It’s like that moment when you decide you want to have sex with someone for the first time and even if you are sure they want the same there’s still a sense of panic that they could turn you down. While this wouldn’t be the first time with him I’m still feeling hurt from the sting of rejection. Because in the end, I got rejected.
And now I’m at an impasse… with the cancellation of our plans tomorrow night my boycott isn’t broken and therefore is still going. Do I cast it aside since I had plans to break it or do I take this as a sign that I should be keeping it? The longer I go the more I begin to think that I’m going to have to find a way to change what attracts me to a guy or else I’m going to be living the same exact situations over and over again – none of them giving me the end result I want.
As with all aspects of my life irony is never far behind. Later this afternoon Mr. Tight-end IMed me completely out of the blue (I haven’t heard from him in months) and suggested that we get together. I told him that while I do think he’s hot and enjoyed our night together that last I knew he wasn’t single. He said that ended a long time ago and while that isn’t exactly saying he’s single it’s enough for me to seriously think about seeing him for a night. Hey, if he lied that’s on his head not mine. Besides it would be like a science experiment. Mr. Tight-end is the only guy who has successfully made my knees weak with a kiss, we had amazing physical chemistry – I’m curious if it would still be there. And the larger picture is that I’m worried that if I don’t have a hook up before I actually meet a guy I want to date, then I won’t be able to stop myself and will sleep with a guy I’m interested in being serious with too soon so he’ll see me as a hook up and not girlfriend material.
What’s a girl to do? Why do I feel guilty about having attractive men actively trying to sleep with me… and wanting to sleep with them? I don’t think that sleeping with any of them would make me a slut (and technically only Sinatra would be new so the other two don’t count). Until I figure out what I want to do I’m left licking my wounds from today’s disappointment waiting to see what Benedick says and deciding on if saying yes to Saturday was just a one shot deal or if I’ll say yes again. I guess only time will tell. I do miss having a warm body to curl up with though... and making out. I really miss making out. I feel like I should be the kid who got punished and has to write the same saying on the blackboard over and over again: I will keep my boycott going and not get naked with a boy...
Since I’m a procrastinator all I’ve managed to do this week up until today was do laundry so I left all the cleaning for tonight and Saturday before work (which was plenty of time so it wasn’t that big of a deal). Part of me is glad now that I didn’t break my back frantically cleaning my apartment all week since I learned today that Saturday got called off over a double booking of Benedick’s time. Like the group Betty said; "Well I guess I shaved my legs for nothing/ I never shoulda cleaned the tub or the sink/”. While the oversight in and of itself is reasonable I’m annoyed because this just further solidifies WHY I chose to swear off boys. Clearly Fate does not want me having sex – she and I are now fighting because that's just playing dirty.
I feel completely rejected and borderline humiliated that I got talked into the current position I am in. Here I’ve been all good and “no, no boys are allowed to see me naked until further notice” with Benedick and Sinatra regardless that I want to have sex with both of them (not at the same time, I have no interest in anything with more than one other person when it comes to grown up activities). And then I’m all “sure, ok!” making plans for him to come over when all he really did was ask at the right weak moment. It’s like that moment when you decide you want to have sex with someone for the first time and even if you are sure they want the same there’s still a sense of panic that they could turn you down. While this wouldn’t be the first time with him I’m still feeling hurt from the sting of rejection. Because in the end, I got rejected.
And now I’m at an impasse… with the cancellation of our plans tomorrow night my boycott isn’t broken and therefore is still going. Do I cast it aside since I had plans to break it or do I take this as a sign that I should be keeping it? The longer I go the more I begin to think that I’m going to have to find a way to change what attracts me to a guy or else I’m going to be living the same exact situations over and over again – none of them giving me the end result I want.
As with all aspects of my life irony is never far behind. Later this afternoon Mr. Tight-end IMed me completely out of the blue (I haven’t heard from him in months) and suggested that we get together. I told him that while I do think he’s hot and enjoyed our night together that last I knew he wasn’t single. He said that ended a long time ago and while that isn’t exactly saying he’s single it’s enough for me to seriously think about seeing him for a night. Hey, if he lied that’s on his head not mine. Besides it would be like a science experiment. Mr. Tight-end is the only guy who has successfully made my knees weak with a kiss, we had amazing physical chemistry – I’m curious if it would still be there. And the larger picture is that I’m worried that if I don’t have a hook up before I actually meet a guy I want to date, then I won’t be able to stop myself and will sleep with a guy I’m interested in being serious with too soon so he’ll see me as a hook up and not girlfriend material.
What’s a girl to do? Why do I feel guilty about having attractive men actively trying to sleep with me… and wanting to sleep with them? I don’t think that sleeping with any of them would make me a slut (and technically only Sinatra would be new so the other two don’t count). Until I figure out what I want to do I’m left licking my wounds from today’s disappointment waiting to see what Benedick says and deciding on if saying yes to Saturday was just a one shot deal or if I’ll say yes again. I guess only time will tell. I do miss having a warm body to curl up with though... and making out. I really miss making out. I feel like I should be the kid who got punished and has to write the same saying on the blackboard over and over again: I will keep my boycott going and not get naked with a boy...
21 January 2009
Is the world truly split between the blondes and… everyone else?
After spending a few hours on my couch watching various dating shows on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I came to realize that there really is a division between hair colors. At one of my last jobs I noticed that there was a solid territorial line drawn down the office between the blonde women and the “others”; and just like in war the sides did not play nicely together. But if there really is a separation, why does it always seem that women with red, black, and brunette hair wind up grouped together? In some cultures redheads were persecuted because they were/are believed to be evil. If anything, us redheads should be left grouped by ourselves flying our freak flags high and with pride. Yet it’s the blondes you are in their own category.
Thinking about this, I realized that none of my close friends are blondes but many of the women that I dislike are. It’s not that I steer clear of the tow headed population, some of my best friends throughout the years have been blondes, but perhaps not so ironically many where the friends who have done me wrong as well. I have no luck with boys of any color, shape, and size but again, the ones that were the worst to me were the blondes. Coincidence? I think not.
At work the other week I overheard a conversation between coworkers who were talking about what they thought people in our plants looked like based on their talks with them. One coworker mentioned to the other that one of the guys was a redhead. Coworker #2 responded with “I didn’t know that. He doesn’t sound like a redhead.” Now I know I have “strikes” against me for being an only child and for going to a Montessori school instead of preschool and kindergarten like most kids. Both usually bring a response of “that explains a lot” but I never thought about my hair color turning into one. What does a redhead sound like exactly? Can people tell just by talking to me on the phone that I’m a redhead and if so, what does that imply?
Perhaps it’s just because I am one, but I’ve always felt like being a redhead is like it’s own race that comes with it’s own unique beliefs and cultural misunderstandings. And from my love of people watching I don’t think that brunettes or blondes have the same experience. I’ve been asked before why I’ve never gone through a stage of wanting to dye my hair a different color and while it’s very un-pc I think of changing my hair color as earth shattering as an African American turning their skin white. My hair color is so deeply engrained into who I am that if I became a brunette or a blonde I would no longer be me. Whenever you lose part of yourself and your identity you rarely get it back. I refuse to tempt fate just to see what I would look like as something other than a redhead.
I guess that there has to be something that defines the type of person you become based on your natural hair color (or if you are someone who decides to change color and claim it’s real) or else there wouldn’t be blonde jokes or stereotypes about people with various hair colors. What do you think; does hair color truly define people? Is there a reason why blondes seem to always stick together excluding those of other hair color? Have I had one too many margaritas and really have no idea what I’m talking about?
Thinking about this, I realized that none of my close friends are blondes but many of the women that I dislike are. It’s not that I steer clear of the tow headed population, some of my best friends throughout the years have been blondes, but perhaps not so ironically many where the friends who have done me wrong as well. I have no luck with boys of any color, shape, and size but again, the ones that were the worst to me were the blondes. Coincidence? I think not.
At work the other week I overheard a conversation between coworkers who were talking about what they thought people in our plants looked like based on their talks with them. One coworker mentioned to the other that one of the guys was a redhead. Coworker #2 responded with “I didn’t know that. He doesn’t sound like a redhead.” Now I know I have “strikes” against me for being an only child and for going to a Montessori school instead of preschool and kindergarten like most kids. Both usually bring a response of “that explains a lot” but I never thought about my hair color turning into one. What does a redhead sound like exactly? Can people tell just by talking to me on the phone that I’m a redhead and if so, what does that imply?
Perhaps it’s just because I am one, but I’ve always felt like being a redhead is like it’s own race that comes with it’s own unique beliefs and cultural misunderstandings. And from my love of people watching I don’t think that brunettes or blondes have the same experience. I’ve been asked before why I’ve never gone through a stage of wanting to dye my hair a different color and while it’s very un-pc I think of changing my hair color as earth shattering as an African American turning their skin white. My hair color is so deeply engrained into who I am that if I became a brunette or a blonde I would no longer be me. Whenever you lose part of yourself and your identity you rarely get it back. I refuse to tempt fate just to see what I would look like as something other than a redhead.
I guess that there has to be something that defines the type of person you become based on your natural hair color (or if you are someone who decides to change color and claim it’s real) or else there wouldn’t be blonde jokes or stereotypes about people with various hair colors. What do you think; does hair color truly define people? Is there a reason why blondes seem to always stick together excluding those of other hair color? Have I had one too many margaritas and really have no idea what I’m talking about?
01 January 2009
A Look Back at the Last 365 Days and a Look Forward to the Next 364
Taking down one calendar to put up the next forces people to reflect on what they lived through in the last 12 months and make promises about how they will live the next 12 in an effort to better their lives. Resolutions are made only to inevitably be broken over the next few weeks/months with an “eh, I gave it a try” mindset. It seems more important to make the resolution than to keep it – acceptance is the first step towards recovery.
Since I live way too much inside of my own mind I find myself in the week leading up to New Year’s Eve going over everything that has happened in the current year and wondering what I can change to make the next a better one. So here is my year in review (of course in list form since I’m obsessed with them):
* 2008 started off with a very harsh life lesson – being laid off from work. While I knew I didn’t have enough work to do in the position I was in, I honestly never thought that I would be let go. More so I never thought I would be let go in the manner that I was… by being asked to read about it on a piece of paper and then given the business version of the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. It was insulting and humiliating. I know it looks better for future employers that I was laid off, but pride wise I would have much rather been fired for not performing well because then I would have had a concrete reason and I could have walked away knowing what I did wrong and would have been able to learn from it.
* The ensuing months of being completely broke forced me to evaluate every penny that I spent. My already mentioned pride wouldn’t let me claim unemployment because I refused to let my former company know just how badly I was doing. Since I survived (thanks to my parents actually helping me out) I don’t see that decision as a bad one. In the long run not having a steady paycheck did change how I look at money. I find now that if I run to say Target, and I find something I like/want, I’ll wander around the store for a while instead of making a beeline to the register. Most of the time I decide that I don’t need to make the purchase and walk out the store empty handed but with my bank account untouched.
* Hitting the internet looking for a job is a very, very, frustrating and humiliating experience. I am not the only person I know who has been laid of this year from their jobs and all have run into the same troubles I have. For every 20 jobs you apply for you’ll be lucky to get 3 “thanks, but no thanks” generic responses. You’ll be extremely lucky if you get called in for an interview – but for the most part you’ll hear… nothing. The majority of the jobs posted also specifically say to not contact them; that they will call you if interested thus taking away the follow up email/phone call to establish contact after sending in your resume. It’s a brutal process that leaves emotional scars and with the failing economy it will only get worse. Forty years ago my father was 20 years old and lived in a world where you could get a good job with just a high school diploma. Now an undergraduate degree is the equivalent of a high school diploma from back then. Many jobs require either over 5 years of experience and/or a Master’s degree, making it almost impossible for the average person in their mid 20s to even get their foot in the door at most companies. So unless you have the right connections or you were lucky enough to have a specialized area of study you are screwed if you are looking for a job.
* January also brought a moment of realization after I put the pieces together and realized that a friend wanted to introduce me to one of her guy friends not because she thought we would hit it off, but because she knew I’d sleep with him. I guess that made her a great wingman for Goldberg, but it made me hate myself a little bit. While I don’t think there is anything wrong with casual sex there does come a point where enough is enough. I will make an amazing girlfriend to a guy and I deserve to have that chance.
* During this time I joined another online dating site, like the other times I started emailing a guy who looked like he might be cute in person. Our email banter was perfect and exciting so we decided to meet. Yeah, once again I wasn’t even remotely attracted to him. I’m beginning to realize that what gets me off mentally is very different from what gets me off physically and that I have yet to find a guy who embodies both qualities – maybe I never will?
* My summer was uneventful in the guy department, mainly because I just did not have the money to go out and I wasn’t going to meet someone on my couch. So of course to make myself feel better I joked about being in a boycott of boys. This boycott was solidified in August, when out of the blue Benedick started talking to me again and suggested we meet up (yes, after everything that went down the last time we met up about how he didn’t want a fwb situation, there he was asking for exactly that). I can’t help shake the feeling that if I did have him spend the night again that all I would be doing is telling the world that I’m a blowup doll to be used when needed and nothing more. And if that’s the case then Fate has no need to send me a guy worthy of becoming my boyfriend.
* Yet going on 9 months of this boycott is making me not even miss sex. Which scares the shit out of me. I should be pulling my hair out in frustrating (or reaching for my phone to contact anyone I can booty call). I think about it all the time but I don’t really miss any of the sex that I have had. However, recently I have started to breakdown and have stepped the flirting up a notch with Bachelor #2 that was mentioned in a previous blog. Let’s call him Sinatra. Too bad Sinatra isn’t a talker ‘cause I would love to know what it is about me that has kept him trying for so long – it has to be more than just the fact that I keep deflecting his advances without completely saying no. At this point I’m not worried about how the physical chemistry would be, but more that *I* won’t live up to whatever expectations/ideas he has built up in his imagination about how I’d be. It’s a lot of pressure and it freaks me out to the extent that I can’t decide if I should go through with inviting him over or not. It will inevitably change our friendship and will open up new questions (is it a one time deal, does it turn into something regular, etc) that I don’t know how to answer.
* After spending a few months in my current job position I have started to think about how it might be time for me to go to grad school. I think that I would enjoy, and make a great Academic Advisor at a college or university; but to do that most schools require years of experience or a master’s degree. Since I don’t have the experience that means I need the degree – more specifically to go to school for my M.Ed in Counseling. The courses look interesting, I think I would do well in it but what’s to say that a Master’s won’t be put to use just as much as my BA. If I go back to school, I cannot come out of it not working in a field that relates to it or I would just be throwing more time and money into an education that will not help me. I am closing in on 30 and I want a career that satisfies me, not just a job I go to for a paycheck. Until that time I’ll stay where I am and keep applying for jobs that sound more interesting than what I am currently doing paying down my debt until I reach a point where I could financially afford to go back to school… then I’ll decide if I truly want to go to grad school.
* Overall 2008 has been one tough life lesson after another all resulting in my current hermit status. I am so utterly lonely I can’t stand it, but I also feel like I have sunk so deep into my hobbit hole that I can’t find my way back out into the light. I go to work, and then I go to my other work. Sometimes I go to yoga. Then I come home, and sit on my couch wishing I was out living my life but depressed that I have no one to live it with. I should join a club but I don’t know what kind of club to join and highly doubt there are many options in my area. I can sum up this past year in one word: Lost. I have been so entirely lost and am still wandering in the woods looking for any trail at all but hopefully the one that will lead me in the right direction – all to no avail.
As for 2009? I refuse to make any resolutions as I know I will only wind up breaking them. I do however hope that the next 364 days will bring about at least a light bulb moment (or three or four) that will help me find my way. I do remain hopeful that it will be a better year than the last one. Maybe 2009 will be the year that I finally find love (either for a career or a boy), friends I actually spend time with, and a life outside of my apartment and away from my computer.
No matter what happens though, I will be blogging about it.
Since I live way too much inside of my own mind I find myself in the week leading up to New Year’s Eve going over everything that has happened in the current year and wondering what I can change to make the next a better one. So here is my year in review (of course in list form since I’m obsessed with them):
* 2008 started off with a very harsh life lesson – being laid off from work. While I knew I didn’t have enough work to do in the position I was in, I honestly never thought that I would be let go. More so I never thought I would be let go in the manner that I was… by being asked to read about it on a piece of paper and then given the business version of the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. It was insulting and humiliating. I know it looks better for future employers that I was laid off, but pride wise I would have much rather been fired for not performing well because then I would have had a concrete reason and I could have walked away knowing what I did wrong and would have been able to learn from it.
* The ensuing months of being completely broke forced me to evaluate every penny that I spent. My already mentioned pride wouldn’t let me claim unemployment because I refused to let my former company know just how badly I was doing. Since I survived (thanks to my parents actually helping me out) I don’t see that decision as a bad one. In the long run not having a steady paycheck did change how I look at money. I find now that if I run to say Target, and I find something I like/want, I’ll wander around the store for a while instead of making a beeline to the register. Most of the time I decide that I don’t need to make the purchase and walk out the store empty handed but with my bank account untouched.
* Hitting the internet looking for a job is a very, very, frustrating and humiliating experience. I am not the only person I know who has been laid of this year from their jobs and all have run into the same troubles I have. For every 20 jobs you apply for you’ll be lucky to get 3 “thanks, but no thanks” generic responses. You’ll be extremely lucky if you get called in for an interview – but for the most part you’ll hear… nothing. The majority of the jobs posted also specifically say to not contact them; that they will call you if interested thus taking away the follow up email/phone call to establish contact after sending in your resume. It’s a brutal process that leaves emotional scars and with the failing economy it will only get worse. Forty years ago my father was 20 years old and lived in a world where you could get a good job with just a high school diploma. Now an undergraduate degree is the equivalent of a high school diploma from back then. Many jobs require either over 5 years of experience and/or a Master’s degree, making it almost impossible for the average person in their mid 20s to even get their foot in the door at most companies. So unless you have the right connections or you were lucky enough to have a specialized area of study you are screwed if you are looking for a job.
* January also brought a moment of realization after I put the pieces together and realized that a friend wanted to introduce me to one of her guy friends not because she thought we would hit it off, but because she knew I’d sleep with him. I guess that made her a great wingman for Goldberg, but it made me hate myself a little bit. While I don’t think there is anything wrong with casual sex there does come a point where enough is enough. I will make an amazing girlfriend to a guy and I deserve to have that chance.
* During this time I joined another online dating site, like the other times I started emailing a guy who looked like he might be cute in person. Our email banter was perfect and exciting so we decided to meet. Yeah, once again I wasn’t even remotely attracted to him. I’m beginning to realize that what gets me off mentally is very different from what gets me off physically and that I have yet to find a guy who embodies both qualities – maybe I never will?
* My summer was uneventful in the guy department, mainly because I just did not have the money to go out and I wasn’t going to meet someone on my couch. So of course to make myself feel better I joked about being in a boycott of boys. This boycott was solidified in August, when out of the blue Benedick started talking to me again and suggested we meet up (yes, after everything that went down the last time we met up about how he didn’t want a fwb situation, there he was asking for exactly that). I can’t help shake the feeling that if I did have him spend the night again that all I would be doing is telling the world that I’m a blowup doll to be used when needed and nothing more. And if that’s the case then Fate has no need to send me a guy worthy of becoming my boyfriend.
* Yet going on 9 months of this boycott is making me not even miss sex. Which scares the shit out of me. I should be pulling my hair out in frustrating (or reaching for my phone to contact anyone I can booty call). I think about it all the time but I don’t really miss any of the sex that I have had. However, recently I have started to breakdown and have stepped the flirting up a notch with Bachelor #2 that was mentioned in a previous blog. Let’s call him Sinatra. Too bad Sinatra isn’t a talker ‘cause I would love to know what it is about me that has kept him trying for so long – it has to be more than just the fact that I keep deflecting his advances without completely saying no. At this point I’m not worried about how the physical chemistry would be, but more that *I* won’t live up to whatever expectations/ideas he has built up in his imagination about how I’d be. It’s a lot of pressure and it freaks me out to the extent that I can’t decide if I should go through with inviting him over or not. It will inevitably change our friendship and will open up new questions (is it a one time deal, does it turn into something regular, etc) that I don’t know how to answer.
* After spending a few months in my current job position I have started to think about how it might be time for me to go to grad school. I think that I would enjoy, and make a great Academic Advisor at a college or university; but to do that most schools require years of experience or a master’s degree. Since I don’t have the experience that means I need the degree – more specifically to go to school for my M.Ed in Counseling. The courses look interesting, I think I would do well in it but what’s to say that a Master’s won’t be put to use just as much as my BA. If I go back to school, I cannot come out of it not working in a field that relates to it or I would just be throwing more time and money into an education that will not help me. I am closing in on 30 and I want a career that satisfies me, not just a job I go to for a paycheck. Until that time I’ll stay where I am and keep applying for jobs that sound more interesting than what I am currently doing paying down my debt until I reach a point where I could financially afford to go back to school… then I’ll decide if I truly want to go to grad school.
* Overall 2008 has been one tough life lesson after another all resulting in my current hermit status. I am so utterly lonely I can’t stand it, but I also feel like I have sunk so deep into my hobbit hole that I can’t find my way back out into the light. I go to work, and then I go to my other work. Sometimes I go to yoga. Then I come home, and sit on my couch wishing I was out living my life but depressed that I have no one to live it with. I should join a club but I don’t know what kind of club to join and highly doubt there are many options in my area. I can sum up this past year in one word: Lost. I have been so entirely lost and am still wandering in the woods looking for any trail at all but hopefully the one that will lead me in the right direction – all to no avail.
As for 2009? I refuse to make any resolutions as I know I will only wind up breaking them. I do however hope that the next 364 days will bring about at least a light bulb moment (or three or four) that will help me find my way. I do remain hopeful that it will be a better year than the last one. Maybe 2009 will be the year that I finally find love (either for a career or a boy), friends I actually spend time with, and a life outside of my apartment and away from my computer.
No matter what happens though, I will be blogging about it.
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