Well so much for that…

After 10 months of holding firm to my boy boycott, I decided to finally break it. The plan was for Benedick to come over on Saturday night and while this was going to be good for me for the obvious reasons, it would also force me to clean my apartment. He’s been trying to get me to break my boycott since he learned of it back in August, though he stepped up his game this past week. My theory was that while I understood why I decided to give up boys there also comes a point where it’s just ridiculous to deprive myself of sex in hopes that in the mean time I’ll find my Lloyd Dobler and live happily ever after. This is reality not a rom-com movie after all.

Since I’m a procrastinator all I’ve managed to do this week up until today was do laundry so I left all the cleaning for tonight and Saturday before work (which was plenty of time so it wasn’t that big of a deal). Part of me is glad now that I didn’t break my back frantically cleaning my apartment all week since I learned today that Saturday got called off over a double booking of Benedick’s time. Like the group Betty said; "Well I guess I shaved my legs for nothing/ I never shoulda cleaned the tub or the sink/”. While the oversight in and of itself is reasonable I’m annoyed because this just further solidifies WHY I chose to swear off boys. Clearly Fate does not want me having sex – she and I are now fighting because that's just playing dirty.

I feel completely rejected and borderline humiliated that I got talked into the current position I am in. Here I’ve been all good and “no, no boys are allowed to see me naked until further notice” with Benedick and Sinatra regardless that I want to have sex with both of them (not at the same time, I have no interest in anything with more than one other person when it comes to grown up activities). And then I’m all “sure, ok!” making plans for him to come over when all he really did was ask at the right weak moment. It’s like that moment when you decide you want to have sex with someone for the first time and even if you are sure they want the same there’s still a sense of panic that they could turn you down. While this wouldn’t be the first time with him I’m still feeling hurt from the sting of rejection. Because in the end, I got rejected.

And now I’m at an impasse… with the cancellation of our plans tomorrow night my boycott isn’t broken and therefore is still going. Do I cast it aside since I had plans to break it or do I take this as a sign that I should be keeping it? The longer I go the more I begin to think that I’m going to have to find a way to change what attracts me to a guy or else I’m going to be living the same exact situations over and over again – none of them giving me the end result I want.

As with all aspects of my life irony is never far behind. Later this afternoon Mr. Tight-end IMed me completely out of the blue (I haven’t heard from him in months) and suggested that we get together. I told him that while I do think he’s hot and enjoyed our night together that last I knew he wasn’t single. He said that ended a long time ago and while that isn’t exactly saying he’s single it’s enough for me to seriously think about seeing him for a night. Hey, if he lied that’s on his head not mine. Besides it would be like a science experiment. Mr. Tight-end is the only guy who has successfully made my knees weak with a kiss, we had amazing physical chemistry – I’m curious if it would still be there. And the larger picture is that I’m worried that if I don’t have a hook up before I actually meet a guy I want to date, then I won’t be able to stop myself and will sleep with a guy I’m interested in being serious with too soon so he’ll see me as a hook up and not girlfriend material.

What’s a girl to do? Why do I feel guilty about having attractive men actively trying to sleep with me… and wanting to sleep with them? I don’t think that sleeping with any of them would make me a slut (and technically only Sinatra would be new so the other two don’t count). Until I figure out what I want to do I’m left licking my wounds from today’s disappointment waiting to see what Benedick says and deciding on if saying yes to Saturday was just a one shot deal or if I’ll say yes again. I guess only time will tell. I do miss having a warm body to curl up with though... and making out. I really miss making out. I feel like I should be the kid who got punished and has to write the same saying on the blackboard over and over again: I will keep my boycott going and not get naked with a boy...