Most aspects of life puzzle me, some amaze me, and still others show how truly ironic life can be. And while I cannot speak for others, my life seems to have a habit of throwing me curve balls before I've taken my stance at the plate. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am and other times I'm shocked that matters are not worse.
At the end of May I found myself in a position all too familiar to single women in their late 20s - of attending a wedding without a +1. Not only did I lack a date for the affair, but I also would be attending without my fellow single girls by my side to drink and dance the night away. While excited to go to the wedding, I knew that nothing points out being single more than going to a wedding alone. So I did what all single women do in my situation, we find the hottest dress we can, we make sure our makeup and hair are perfect, and we make sure to always have wine in our glass and a smile on our lips.
Yet I found myself part way through the reception with a constant dance partner in a completely unexpected form. Not only did he keep getting me out on the floor, but he brought me cake when I missed it. How could I not pause to think about a boy who brings me cake? Yet he's technically off limits due to girl-code, which gives me pause. It's not that I'm crushing on him, but more intrigued by him.
I do know that part of the reason why I'm intrigued is because while he's been friendly, he hasn't flirted nor made an advance and so I am at a loss as to whether he's interested in me or not. I hung out with him and a few others this past Saturday and it was comfortable and fun. He also called me less than 24-hours later (isn't that breaking the Bro Code of the three day rule?) and we talked for an hour. He professed to having a good time the night before and that he'd like to hang out again. But again no clear "he's interested" signals flashing.
Honestly I don't know what I think, there are many reasons why I hesitate, very good reasons for pushing him out of my mind as someone I shouldn't think twice about. And yet some of those very same reasons draw me towards the idea of him even more. Right now I'm just waiting for him to show one of the cards in his hand before I can begin to make up my own mind. Though because of Hoes over Bros I know that to go down this road it would have to be more than just a hook up which changes the way the game is played.
Only time will tell how this plays out, and while I'm not sure what I'm feeling I do know that I am excited at the prospect of seeing him again. And whether it's him or someone else, I do know that I am going to try with all of my power to keep my heart locked away and not let emotions rule how I act. As much as I hate dating, it's exactly what I want to do - what I need to do. I don't want to get stuck in the hanging out black hole that always leads to frustration and never a relationship. I'm tired of playing with boys, I want a man... a man who will step up and claim me as his own (for the time being, I'm not looking for a ring on my left hand any time in the near future).
I've never been good at the waiting game though... but I don't seem to have a choice in the matter in this case.
As for the ghost of hook-ups past: Mr. Tight-End is still on my mind, I wish that he was someone who could be more than what he is in my life. Yet he and I would never/could never date. It wouldn't work, which is just mean that the physical can be so amazing with him but I can't have it with the emotional. I'm still avoiding Benedick, I'm not ready to be friendly and pretend he hasn't been a complete ass just yet. If he would come clean without me having to say anything I might want to move forward as if nothing had happened; but until then he is essentially dead to me. Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me. In the theme of avoidance I haven't really talked to Casper since our date. I feel guilty about all of it but I can't help what gets me going and what doesn't. Most of the time I spent on Saturday with the guy from the wedding (nickname TBD), all I could think about was what it would be like for him to kiss me, wanting him to kiss me. On my date with Casper I was worried about that moment since I wasn't feeling the situation or him.
I've started to realize that all these boys makes it look like I'm a complete baller. But I can easily walk down the street overflowing with guys and they wouldn't notice me. Girls who get noticed and remembered get boyfriends plain and simple - for the most part I might as well be invisible with the lack of attention I seem to attract.
Just like Sleeping Beauty lies in wait for Philip to wake her with a kiss, I lie in wait for the man who will finally break my relationship curse. Will it be a ghost of hook-ups past, the guy from the wedding, or someone I have yet to meet? I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I do plan on being smarter from here on out and not repeating the mistakes I have made before. The man who breaks the curse will need to earn my trust, my love, my devotion and until he proves himself worthy I am determined to finally be my own best friend this time.
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