Taking down one calendar to put up the next forces people to reflect on what they lived through in the last 12 months and make promises about how they will live the next 12 in an effort to better their lives. Resolutions are made only to inevitably be broken over the next few weeks/months with an “eh, I gave it a try” mindset. It seems more important to make the resolution than to keep it – acceptance is the first step towards recovery.
Since I live way too much inside of my own mind I find myself in the week leading up to New Year’s Eve going over everything that has happened in the current year and wondering what I can change to make the next a better one. So here is my year in review (of course in list form since I’m obsessed with them):
* 2008 started off with a very harsh life lesson – being laid off from work. While I knew I didn’t have enough work to do in the position I was in, I honestly never thought that I would be let go. More so I never thought I would be let go in the manner that I was… by being asked to read about it on a piece of paper and then given the business version of the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. It was insulting and humiliating. I know it looks better for future employers that I was laid off, but pride wise I would have much rather been fired for not performing well because then I would have had a concrete reason and I could have walked away knowing what I did wrong and would have been able to learn from it.
* The ensuing months of being completely broke forced me to evaluate every penny that I spent. My already mentioned pride wouldn’t let me claim unemployment because I refused to let my former company know just how badly I was doing. Since I survived (thanks to my parents actually helping me out) I don’t see that decision as a bad one. In the long run not having a steady paycheck did change how I look at money. I find now that if I run to say Target, and I find something I like/want, I’ll wander around the store for a while instead of making a beeline to the register. Most of the time I decide that I don’t need to make the purchase and walk out the store empty handed but with my bank account untouched.
* Hitting the internet looking for a job is a very, very, frustrating and humiliating experience. I am not the only person I know who has been laid of this year from their jobs and all have run into the same troubles I have. For every 20 jobs you apply for you’ll be lucky to get 3 “thanks, but no thanks” generic responses. You’ll be extremely lucky if you get called in for an interview – but for the most part you’ll hear… nothing. The majority of the jobs posted also specifically say to not contact them; that they will call you if interested thus taking away the follow up email/phone call to establish contact after sending in your resume. It’s a brutal process that leaves emotional scars and with the failing economy it will only get worse. Forty years ago my father was 20 years old and lived in a world where you could get a good job with just a high school diploma. Now an undergraduate degree is the equivalent of a high school diploma from back then. Many jobs require either over 5 years of experience and/or a Master’s degree, making it almost impossible for the average person in their mid 20s to even get their foot in the door at most companies. So unless you have the right connections or you were lucky enough to have a specialized area of study you are screwed if you are looking for a job.
* January also brought a moment of realization after I put the pieces together and realized that a friend wanted to introduce me to one of her guy friends not because she thought we would hit it off, but because she knew I’d sleep with him. I guess that made her a great wingman for Goldberg, but it made me hate myself a little bit. While I don’t think there is anything wrong with casual sex there does come a point where enough is enough. I will make an amazing girlfriend to a guy and I deserve to have that chance.
* During this time I joined another online dating site, like the other times I started emailing a guy who looked like he might be cute in person. Our email banter was perfect and exciting so we decided to meet. Yeah, once again I wasn’t even remotely attracted to him. I’m beginning to realize that what gets me off mentally is very different from what gets me off physically and that I have yet to find a guy who embodies both qualities – maybe I never will?
* My summer was uneventful in the guy department, mainly because I just did not have the money to go out and I wasn’t going to meet someone on my couch. So of course to make myself feel better I joked about being in a boycott of boys. This boycott was solidified in August, when out of the blue Benedick started talking to me again and suggested we meet up (yes, after everything that went down the last time we met up about how he didn’t want a fwb situation, there he was asking for exactly that). I can’t help shake the feeling that if I did have him spend the night again that all I would be doing is telling the world that I’m a blowup doll to be used when needed and nothing more. And if that’s the case then Fate has no need to send me a guy worthy of becoming my boyfriend.
* Yet going on 9 months of this boycott is making me not even miss sex. Which scares the shit out of me. I should be pulling my hair out in frustrating (or reaching for my phone to contact anyone I can booty call). I think about it all the time but I don’t really miss any of the sex that I have had. However, recently I have started to breakdown and have stepped the flirting up a notch with Bachelor #2 that was mentioned in a previous blog. Let’s call him Sinatra. Too bad Sinatra isn’t a talker ‘cause I would love to know what it is about me that has kept him trying for so long – it has to be more than just the fact that I keep deflecting his advances without completely saying no. At this point I’m not worried about how the physical chemistry would be, but more that *I* won’t live up to whatever expectations/ideas he has built up in his imagination about how I’d be. It’s a lot of pressure and it freaks me out to the extent that I can’t decide if I should go through with inviting him over or not. It will inevitably change our friendship and will open up new questions (is it a one time deal, does it turn into something regular, etc) that I don’t know how to answer.
* After spending a few months in my current job position I have started to think about how it might be time for me to go to grad school. I think that I would enjoy, and make a great Academic Advisor at a college or university; but to do that most schools require years of experience or a master’s degree. Since I don’t have the experience that means I need the degree – more specifically to go to school for my M.Ed in Counseling. The courses look interesting, I think I would do well in it but what’s to say that a Master’s won’t be put to use just as much as my BA. If I go back to school, I cannot come out of it not working in a field that relates to it or I would just be throwing more time and money into an education that will not help me. I am closing in on 30 and I want a career that satisfies me, not just a job I go to for a paycheck. Until that time I’ll stay where I am and keep applying for jobs that sound more interesting than what I am currently doing paying down my debt until I reach a point where I could financially afford to go back to school… then I’ll decide if I truly want to go to grad school.
* Overall 2008 has been one tough life lesson after another all resulting in my current hermit status. I am so utterly lonely I can’t stand it, but I also feel like I have sunk so deep into my hobbit hole that I can’t find my way back out into the light. I go to work, and then I go to my other work. Sometimes I go to yoga. Then I come home, and sit on my couch wishing I was out living my life but depressed that I have no one to live it with. I should join a club but I don’t know what kind of club to join and highly doubt there are many options in my area. I can sum up this past year in one word: Lost. I have been so entirely lost and am still wandering in the woods looking for any trail at all but hopefully the one that will lead me in the right direction – all to no avail.
As for 2009? I refuse to make any resolutions as I know I will only wind up breaking them. I do however hope that the next 364 days will bring about at least a light bulb moment (or three or four) that will help me find my way. I do remain hopeful that it will be a better year than the last one. Maybe 2009 will be the year that I finally find love (either for a career or a boy), friends I actually spend time with, and a life outside of my apartment and away from my computer.
No matter what happens though, I will be blogging about it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment