- Benedick, Much Ado About Nothing
Those who know me can attest to the fact that when it comes down to it, I cannot speak my mind, especially when it comes to my emotions with guys. Part of it is due to lack of experience… when you have one night stands and unemotional hook ups you never have to have the “where is this going” discussion. There are parts of me that are severely behind in maturity levels – it’s not for lack of trying that I haven’t really dated, just bad luck that has caused me to be a lap behind other women my age (or younger).
Perhaps the larger part of why I never speak up is that I’m terrified that I’ll be alone and never have another chance at anything. With the beauty of hindsight I have come to realize that something is not always better than nothing. Especially when that something consists of me being unhappy and spending time with someone who is bad energy for me. I did myself severe injustice by not ending my last relationship, if I had it would have saved me months of beating myself up, wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him to want to include me in his life. But you know what? It’s not me being good enough that is in question; it’s him – he was not, nor ever will be, good enough to be included in my life. I should have realized that sooner, but the true lessons learned are the tough ones that leave you a little worse for wear in the end.
I may be stubborn and difficult at times, but I know that I am an amazing woman that any guy would be lucky to share a bed with and would be stupid to not claim me as theirs. However it is always easier to say than to accomplish.
I haven’t heard from The Wanderer since late October, which is sad news but I knew the day would come when we would lose touch. I hope he is doing well and sincerely hope he gives me a call if he’s ever in the area so we can grab a drink.
It’s funny how distance works, it doesn’t matter how much fun you can have with a person the distance will sooner or later break you. The Boy Who Got Away will always be just that because with him being a starving artist and me being, well broke, neither of us have the time to take off from work nor the money to be able to fly/drive to see each other. I haven’t seen him since January 2003 and I miss him, which reminds me I do owe him a phone call.
Distance can work the other way too. Benedick is now within easy dating range. But that has thrown a wrench in to the system…. Because of the distance we started out as two adults having fun. Now things are different, or rather, they can be different. Once again I am in a situation where I want to ask, “Where is this going” but am scared to be “that girl” and speak too soon. I know that talking on the computer is far from time spent in person in respects to getting to know someone and evaluating their date-ability; which makes it all that much harder to decide on when is the right time to start voicing concern.
Benedick is not like other guys I’ve been interested in. For one, he seems to have his shit together and is an actual man. I think he’s someone who could push me to the next level of my personal growth, test my boundaries to becoming a better person. This became evident today when I took a giant step of my own in what has turned in to a leap of faith. I brought up the subject of not being interested in a hook up and we actually talked about it like two adults. For the first time in I think ever when it has come to a guy I’m interested in, I have said what was on my mind.
At this point I’m sure you’re wondering what the big deal is… this is HUGE for me. My usual MO is to hope for the best without voicing my concerns while I cry myself to sleep at night and harass my friends for their analysis of every single breath I recount to them praying that a solution will be made and I can live happily ever after. This time I made sure that I wasn’t a welcome mat to be walked over and while I am unsure of the outcome right now, the important part is that I said my part and I have decided to take a risk.
I told Benedick I wasn’t interested in a friends with benefits situation and we talked it out. The schoolgirl in me had hoped that he would tell me of course he wanted a relationship with me and how silly of me to doubt that. Sadly, reality is never like the fairy tales – perhaps that is a good thing though. If love came easily wouldn’t we take it for granted just like Americans with their freedom? If it came easily there would be little hardship and therefore minimal personal growth.
Today proved just how far I’ve come even while I was shaking from nerves and laughing at myself for them. I realized that I did something I should be proud of today. Instead of just keeping my mouth shut and “going along” with the situation knowing it wasn’t on the track I wanted it to be on but hoping there would be a turn down the way, I actually voiced what I wanted and even more importantly, what I didn’t want. In the end Benedick cannot give me what I want right now nor does he know if he ever will be able to. What impressed me the most and made me realize that I made the right choice for now, was that after I expressed that I was cool with playing it casual for the time being he was worried that now knowing where I would like things to head, that I might get the impression that with him agreeing to continue having fun would be the same as him promising down the road things could change when he couldn’t promise me anything.
I am lying to myself slightly saying that I’m fine with keeping things casual right now. I like the idea of being with him, I love how easily he fits in with my friends, but more importantly I believe in fate. There is a reason he came in to my life and why I felt an immediate connection with him before I knew much more than his name and profession. I have come to realize this afternoon that “love” is about taking chances and even the slightest possibility of something there is worth the risk of me getting bruised in the process. Even more importantly, perhaps the reason fate brought him to me was for this moment, where I finally found my voice.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m just crushing on Benedick, nothing more at this point. Yet the situation has helped me to recognize a larger picture, just like Tristran in Stardust I have seen a hole in the wall that overlooks a field of possibilities. Ok, so perhaps that analogy is a little cheesy but it made my point.
Despite the snow and horrible driving conditions I do believe I managed to keep my feet under me. While it was stressful and I know I never would have been able to say what I needed to in the way I wanted to in person, the important part is that I had the “where is this going?” speech and I survived it.
Who knows what will happen with Benedick and I. Perhaps I’ll become his Beatrice, only time will tell. Regardless of if the ending is happy or sad I know that this time I will have no regrets about what I didn’t say and that is oddly comforting.
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