I distinctly remember getting up every morning in the late 90s, looking at myself in the mirror, and loathing myself. My hatred went far beyond teenage angst; it grew in to a constant state of barely being able to breathe to the point of me wanting to simply just stop breathing for good to end the pain. It's sad, I wish that I could go back in time and tell myself that I shouldn't worry about all of the things I let get me down back then, that it would all work out in the end. Ironically I've traded those teenage doubts in for adult ones adding to it the potential regret of a night on the town and a royal hangover the following day. I envy those who are able to pull off confidence ('cause lets face it, everyone has their inner demons of self doubt raging under the surface), then again maybe confidence and being able to pull it off is just like poker... ya gotta know how to get away with a good bluff when you're holding a losing hand. I never could bluff, I've always been a bad liar - I haven't decided if that's a good thing in the long run or not yet.
Either way mirrors for me are something I need to brace myself for, to attempt to squash the demons I know will arise before I can hear them. I think this is why I've grown in to a person so reliant on the opinions of others. If they think I'm [fill in your own complementing adjective] then perhaps I actually am even if I don't believe it. The irony is I hate it so much, that I am so full of self doubt that I have to register my self worth based on what I believe others think of me. It's pathetic - but they are my demons to bear and hopefully one day to vanquish.
Perhaps that's why when starting out being intimate with men I chose to go the "guy route" when it came to sex. I chose to have hookups where I wouldn't have to see the guy again, there were no emotions, I was never hurt - though I was torturing myself with wondering why guys were interested in only seeing me naked but nothing more. Yet there is a certain appeal to hook ups, knowing you won't see the person again you can release your inhibitions and just enjoy the moment; as Prince said in his song Gett Off, "23 positions in a one night stand."
I have matured though, I got a little bruised in the process - but I am determined to not regret anything that I have done. Without the 90s and all of its bad fashion, I would not be the woman I am today. This decade has had a lot more heartache in it, but it has also had so many more happy moments than the one before that I can only hope the next decade will be even better.
With an eventful year drawing to a close I am left to wonder what 2008 has in store for me. While it will be another New Year's Eve with no guy to kiss when the ball drops, I am determined to remain hopeful that 2008 will be a great year. I also will not make any resolutions since they are never kept anyway so why further stress myself out. :-)
On my drive to the mall tonight a song came up on my iPod I haven't heard in years. The lyrics hit home and encouraged me to reflect on how I let little things impact my self-worth. Lately I have been feeling completely unsexy, I am so unsure of myself, of the value I hold on the single market.. there must be a reason why I'm still single, I just have so much love to give and no one to give it to that it gets frustrating and I can't help but question how much of a "prize" I am. Later tonight I headed in to Victoria's Secret to try on some items and I made sure to look straight in to the mirror... sure my skin is whiter than a ghost but that used to be coveted as alabaster skin. I could lose a few pounds, but so could most people. I had to smile, I didn't look half bad.... and that is an amazing feeling. Perhaps it's the little victories that might only last for a minute that keep me going; but they are better than nothing in the long run.
Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood and
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could
Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked and
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated and
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting you baby?
When will I start staying with myself?
Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally and
How these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
So unsexy
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