The Past Always Comes Back To Haunt Your Present

I know I shouldn't let this get to me but pathetically it's taking all I've got to not cry right now.

I read something today that I didn't like, I know I could be reading too much in to things but I cannot help but think that it is about me. In short, that I was OK and served my purpose but that he's upgraded and now has a winner. Call me a bitch, call me crazy, but I'd like to think I'm a hell of a lot more than "eh, she was alright" and someone easily traded for a winner.

I have moved on from Mr. Dishonesty, why can't I move on from the situation? Why almost a year later can he still have this effect on me? More importantly, why do I even fucking care?

I hate this, I'm so tired of it.... My own words prove that I was never head over heels with him and that instead weeks in to our starting whatever it was that I was thinking about bailing. I became attached because I'm a female and sharing a bed with him on a regular basis does that but not because I was falling for him. I hate myself for actually caring about how he regards what it was (and how I was). I don't want to have to torture myself constantly about how I must not be good enough for a guy like that to end things with me and then make comments like that (again, I know I'm assuming the comment was about me).

What kills me is that I know I know he's not worth any of this - my emotions nor my efforts in blogging about him. He doesn't deserve to have had me talk to him let alone share a bed with him and that he should be on his knees every night thanking some higher power that caused me to give him the time of day. (Perhaps that's going a little overboard with the analogy.) Yet he's the one with the girlfriend of now almost a year who apparently is far better than me in his mind and I'm still the single one - and not for lack of trying this past year yet I keep striking out.

I know it's petty, but it's not fair. *I'm* the good one why do I continuously seem to be punished?

And it's so hard for me, I resent that as much as I want him to fall off the face of the earth he seems to have weaseled his way in to my life for good as long as I keep some of the friends I have and live in this city - and it's not that I personally see him or have to talk to him, that would be easier. But no this is far worse, his is a name I read and hear on a far too regular basis. Like the fly that keeps buzzing around your head no matter how much effort you put in to trying to smash them it seems that he is someone I'm gonna have to deal with as much as I don't want to.

It's just so fucking frustrating. And it makes me hate myself for how I react and how I allow myself to be flooded with self doubt and loathing. His opinion - on anything, means less than nothing to me yet I'm sitting here seriously wounded thinking about the potential of how he views me (and therefore my skills and qualities as a woman).

I have so much going for me and I know I could make the right guy so happy - why can't it happen? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, that Fate has a plan all laid out for me - what did I do to piss Fate off this much that I cannot have what I want no matter how hard I try to find it? Yes, there's the cliche no one will love you until you can love yourself but it's so hard to love myself when it's clear that no one else does - that guys can meet me and easily move on with their lives without me like I'm nothing. At the rate I'm going I'm going to be an old maid long before my hair goes white.