'Cause I Am Barely Breathing

I'm sitting here debating about if 10pm is too early for me to go to bed when I'm not sick regardless that I'm tired, watching VH1's 100 Greatest Songs of the 90's and thinking about how much innocence I have lost since the 90s. Everyone grows up but I matured a little later than the norm when it came to my body, boys, and sex. Sadly, I was ahead of the curve on watching a marriage fall apart before my eyes growing more and more jaded about love and relationships.

I distinctly remember getting up every morning in the late 90s, looking at myself in the mirror, and loathing myself. My hatred went far beyond teenage angst; it grew in to a constant state of barely being able to breathe to the point of me wanting to simply just stop breathing for good to end the pain. It's sad, I wish that I could go back in time and tell myself that I shouldn't worry about all of the things I let get me down back then, that it would all work out in the end. Ironically I've traded those teenage doubts in for adult ones adding to it the potential regret of a night on the town and a royal hangover the following day. I envy those who are able to pull off confidence ('cause lets face it, everyone has their inner demons of self doubt raging under the surface), then again maybe confidence and being able to pull it off is just like poker... ya gotta know how to get away with a good bluff when you're holding a losing hand. I never could bluff, I've always been a bad liar - I haven't decided if that's a good thing in the long run or not yet.

Either way mirrors for me are something I need to brace myself for, to attempt to squash the demons I know will arise before I can hear them. I think this is why I've grown in to a person so reliant on the opinions of others. If they think I'm [fill in your own complementing adjective] then perhaps I actually am even if I don't believe it. The irony is I hate it so much, that I am so full of self doubt that I have to register my self worth based on what I believe others think of me. It's pathetic - but they are my demons to bear and hopefully one day to vanquish.

Perhaps that's why when starting out being intimate with men I chose to go the "guy route" when it came to sex. I chose to have hookups where I wouldn't have to see the guy again, there were no emotions, I was never hurt - though I was torturing myself with wondering why guys were interested in only seeing me naked but nothing more. Yet there is a certain appeal to hook ups, knowing you won't see the person again you can release your inhibitions and just enjoy the moment; as Prince said in his song Gett Off, "23 positions in a one night stand."

I have matured though, I got a little bruised in the process - but I am determined to not regret anything that I have done. Without the 90s and all of its bad fashion, I would not be the woman I am today. This decade has had a lot more heartache in it, but it has also had so many more happy moments than the one before that I can only hope the next decade will be even better.

With an eventful year drawing to a close I am left to wonder what 2008 has in store for me. While it will be another New Year's Eve with no guy to kiss when the ball drops, I am determined to remain hopeful that 2008 will be a great year. I also will not make any resolutions since they are never kept anyway so why further stress myself out. :-)

On my drive to the mall tonight a song came up on my iPod I haven't heard in years. The lyrics hit home and encouraged me to reflect on how I let little things impact my self-worth. Lately I have been feeling completely unsexy, I am so unsure of myself, of the value I hold on the single market.. there must be a reason why I'm still single, I just have so much love to give and no one to give it to that it gets frustrating and I can't help but question how much of a "prize" I am. Later tonight I headed in to Victoria's Secret to try on some items and I made sure to look straight in to the mirror... sure my skin is whiter than a ghost but that used to be coveted as alabaster skin. I could lose a few pounds, but so could most people. I had to smile, I didn't look half bad.... and that is an amazing feeling. Perhaps it's the little victories that might only last for a minute that keep me going; but they are better than nothing in the long run.

Alanis Morissette, "So Unsexy"

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood and
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked and
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated and
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting you baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally and
How these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
So unsexy

The Past Always Comes Back To Haunt Your Present

I know I shouldn't let this get to me but pathetically it's taking all I've got to not cry right now.

I read something today that I didn't like, I know I could be reading too much in to things but I cannot help but think that it is about me. In short, that I was OK and served my purpose but that he's upgraded and now has a winner. Call me a bitch, call me crazy, but I'd like to think I'm a hell of a lot more than "eh, she was alright" and someone easily traded for a winner.

I have moved on from Mr. Dishonesty, why can't I move on from the situation? Why almost a year later can he still have this effect on me? More importantly, why do I even fucking care?

I hate this, I'm so tired of it.... My own words prove that I was never head over heels with him and that instead weeks in to our starting whatever it was that I was thinking about bailing. I became attached because I'm a female and sharing a bed with him on a regular basis does that but not because I was falling for him. I hate myself for actually caring about how he regards what it was (and how I was). I don't want to have to torture myself constantly about how I must not be good enough for a guy like that to end things with me and then make comments like that (again, I know I'm assuming the comment was about me).

What kills me is that I know I know he's not worth any of this - my emotions nor my efforts in blogging about him. He doesn't deserve to have had me talk to him let alone share a bed with him and that he should be on his knees every night thanking some higher power that caused me to give him the time of day. (Perhaps that's going a little overboard with the analogy.) Yet he's the one with the girlfriend of now almost a year who apparently is far better than me in his mind and I'm still the single one - and not for lack of trying this past year yet I keep striking out.

I know it's petty, but it's not fair. *I'm* the good one why do I continuously seem to be punished?

And it's so hard for me, I resent that as much as I want him to fall off the face of the earth he seems to have weaseled his way in to my life for good as long as I keep some of the friends I have and live in this city - and it's not that I personally see him or have to talk to him, that would be easier. But no this is far worse, his is a name I read and hear on a far too regular basis. Like the fly that keeps buzzing around your head no matter how much effort you put in to trying to smash them it seems that he is someone I'm gonna have to deal with as much as I don't want to.

It's just so fucking frustrating. And it makes me hate myself for how I react and how I allow myself to be flooded with self doubt and loathing. His opinion - on anything, means less than nothing to me yet I'm sitting here seriously wounded thinking about the potential of how he views me (and therefore my skills and qualities as a woman).

I have so much going for me and I know I could make the right guy so happy - why can't it happen? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, that Fate has a plan all laid out for me - what did I do to piss Fate off this much that I cannot have what I want no matter how hard I try to find it? Yes, there's the cliche no one will love you until you can love yourself but it's so hard to love myself when it's clear that no one else does - that guys can meet me and easily move on with their lives without me like I'm nothing. At the rate I'm going I'm going to be an old maid long before my hair goes white.

Taking a Leap of Faith

“Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.”
- Benedick, Much Ado About Nothing

Those who know me can attest to the fact that when it comes down to it, I cannot speak my mind, especially when it comes to my emotions with guys. Part of it is due to lack of experience… when you have one night stands and unemotional hook ups you never have to have the “where is this going” discussion. There are parts of me that are severely behind in maturity levels – it’s not for lack of trying that I haven’t really dated, just bad luck that has caused me to be a lap behind other women my age (or younger).

Perhaps the larger part of why I never speak up is that I’m terrified that I’ll be alone and never have another chance at anything. With the beauty of hindsight I have come to realize that something is not always better than nothing. Especially when that something consists of me being unhappy and spending time with someone who is bad energy for me. I did myself severe injustice by not ending my last relationship, if I had it would have saved me months of beating myself up, wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him to want to include me in his life. But you know what? It’s not me being good enough that is in question; it’s him – he was not, nor ever will be, good enough to be included in my life. I should have realized that sooner, but the true lessons learned are the tough ones that leave you a little worse for wear in the end.

I may be stubborn and difficult at times, but I know that I am an amazing woman that any guy would be lucky to share a bed with and would be stupid to not claim me as theirs. However it is always easier to say than to accomplish.

I haven’t heard from The Wanderer since late October, which is sad news but I knew the day would come when we would lose touch. I hope he is doing well and sincerely hope he gives me a call if he’s ever in the area so we can grab a drink.

It’s funny how distance works, it doesn’t matter how much fun you can have with a person the distance will sooner or later break you. The Boy Who Got Away will always be just that because with him being a starving artist and me being, well broke, neither of us have the time to take off from work nor the money to be able to fly/drive to see each other. I haven’t seen him since January 2003 and I miss him, which reminds me I do owe him a phone call.

Distance can work the other way too. Benedick is now within easy dating range. But that has thrown a wrench in to the system…. Because of the distance we started out as two adults having fun. Now things are different, or rather, they can be different. Once again I am in a situation where I want to ask, “Where is this going” but am scared to be “that girl” and speak too soon. I know that talking on the computer is far from time spent in person in respects to getting to know someone and evaluating their date-ability; which makes it all that much harder to decide on when is the right time to start voicing concern.

Benedick is not like other guys I’ve been interested in. For one, he seems to have his shit together and is an actual man. I think he’s someone who could push me to the next level of my personal growth, test my boundaries to becoming a better person. This became evident today when I took a giant step of my own in what has turned in to a leap of faith. I brought up the subject of not being interested in a hook up and we actually talked about it like two adults. For the first time in I think ever when it has come to a guy I’m interested in, I have said what was on my mind.

At this point I’m sure you’re wondering what the big deal is… this is HUGE for me. My usual MO is to hope for the best without voicing my concerns while I cry myself to sleep at night and harass my friends for their analysis of every single breath I recount to them praying that a solution will be made and I can live happily ever after. This time I made sure that I wasn’t a welcome mat to be walked over and while I am unsure of the outcome right now, the important part is that I said my part and I have decided to take a risk.

I told Benedick I wasn’t interested in a friends with benefits situation and we talked it out. The schoolgirl in me had hoped that he would tell me of course he wanted a relationship with me and how silly of me to doubt that. Sadly, reality is never like the fairy tales – perhaps that is a good thing though. If love came easily wouldn’t we take it for granted just like Americans with their freedom? If it came easily there would be little hardship and therefore minimal personal growth.

Today proved just how far I’ve come even while I was shaking from nerves and laughing at myself for them. I realized that I did something I should be proud of today. Instead of just keeping my mouth shut and “going along” with the situation knowing it wasn’t on the track I wanted it to be on but hoping there would be a turn down the way, I actually voiced what I wanted and even more importantly, what I didn’t want. In the end Benedick cannot give me what I want right now nor does he know if he ever will be able to. What impressed me the most and made me realize that I made the right choice for now, was that after I expressed that I was cool with playing it casual for the time being he was worried that now knowing where I would like things to head, that I might get the impression that with him agreeing to continue having fun would be the same as him promising down the road things could change when he couldn’t promise me anything.

I am lying to myself slightly saying that I’m fine with keeping things casual right now. I like the idea of being with him, I love how easily he fits in with my friends, but more importantly I believe in fate. There is a reason he came in to my life and why I felt an immediate connection with him before I knew much more than his name and profession. I have come to realize this afternoon that “love” is about taking chances and even the slightest possibility of something there is worth the risk of me getting bruised in the process. Even more importantly, perhaps the reason fate brought him to me was for this moment, where I finally found my voice.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m just crushing on Benedick, nothing more at this point. Yet the situation has helped me to recognize a larger picture, just like Tristran in Stardust I have seen a hole in the wall that overlooks a field of possibilities. Ok, so perhaps that analogy is a little cheesy but it made my point.

Despite the snow and horrible driving conditions I do believe I managed to keep my feet under me. While it was stressful and I know I never would have been able to say what I needed to in the way I wanted to in person, the important part is that I had the “where is this going?” speech and I survived it.

Who knows what will happen with Benedick and I. Perhaps I’ll become his Beatrice, only time will tell. Regardless of if the ending is happy or sad I know that this time I will have no regrets about what I didn’t say and that is oddly comforting.