I like to think of myself as quirky rather than crazy, but I do know that I am an amazing women who has some emotional hangups and short comings, but who in the end, will make a great girlfriend. To those who can't see that? Well I feel sorry for you 'cause you're missing out on what could be a great story.
My history with men has more holes in it than swiss cheese that generally follows the same timeline - I meet a guy, we hang out, things happen and then it's over before it began and I'm stuck waiting a long time before another opportunity comes my way. For a cute girl I've had far too many dry spells. I am that little puppy in the window wagging her tail looking at you with her big brown eyes begging you to give her a good home where she will be loved... or maybe that's a bad analogy.
For the most part there has been a huge difference between the type of guy I say I'm looking for and the type of guy that I end up with. This became very clear to me at the beginning of the month. I have had this aversion to older men, I think because I do not want to acknowledge that I am now officially, a grown up. I have tended to go for younger guys or ones my age and every time wondering how they always turn out to be idiots and I end up alone. Not this time, I have seen the light of going after a guy who is a little older than me (I'm talking a few years not "you could be my daddy" older); guys who are in their late 20s/early 30s are finally starting to have their shit together. This bodes well for women since most of us are tired of games and guys who like to act like they did back in college forgetting that was years ago.
We're going to call this guy Benedick (as in Beatrice & Benedick not Arnold); he is someone who came in to my life out of the blue and who something clicked in me before I knew anything about him that made me have a need to get to know him. I'd like to think that there might be potential there - he is someone who I think I have a decent amount in common with, but more importantly, is someone who would challenge me to expand my horizons and continue on the path of personal growth. Yet he's keeping his cards close and I don't know much more than that he's attracted to me.
Then there's The Wanderer... he is someone I never expected to hear from again yet I have and while he is not someone I can see myself with nor someone I'd want to date he's the one who is trying to see me again and saying all of these amazing things. In the end The Wanderer is neither here nor there.... he's a cool person but not the right fit for me.
The problem with The Wanderer is that he is making the questions I have about Benedick all that much more obvious. I'm not looking for Benedick to profess his undying love for me... all I'm really looking for is "you're amazing and I would really like to spend more time with you and see where this can go, I'm interested in you and being in a relationship with you" or something like that. :-)
Another issue is that I have never been good at sitting back and waiting for things to happen naturally - I am an only child of the 80s... I need instant gratification. But I also know that I play with the line of being "that girl" and I do not want to be her because she does not end up in a happily ever after story.
So in trying to not be "that girl" I end up in relationship purgatory - the place where you end up investing time in a guy that you are not sure what his intentions with you are. It's a place where you wait for 3 things to happen:
1. You wait for him to turn out to be more interested in playing mind games with you and you call him a jerk and move on.
2. You wait for him to finally disclose at least part of his hand and he eventually opens up to clue you in to where his head is at. This can go two ways and one ends very much like the scenario above.
3. You wait and wait and neither of the above happen so you get fed up and walk away never knowing what really happened.
I think I hate the dance more than anything - I just want to know where I stand but I know I cannot ask. Purgatory is not a fun place, and guys wonder why girls act so crazy - it's 'cause y'all put us in to this position of emotional unease where we have nothing to go on so we are left to over analyze our own thoughts and actions until we can no longer sleep at night. I get that it's a power struggle... you do not disclose your intentions or feelings knowing full well that this ensures you keep the upper hand. It's just not nice is what I'm saying.
However, in the end there is not much choice I have in the matter. So until I am clued in I will remain in purgatory blogging away trying to make sense of things. I pray I will not be stuck for too long.
3 comments:
maybe it's the type of boy, and not man
I have a friend who jokes that he'll know I'm serious about someone when I stop saying "the boy" and start referring to spending time with "the man". It's hard though, boys can act like men at the start. Many times it's all smoke and mirrors.
You should just confront "Benedict" about his feelings for you. That way you know, and if he feels the same way you two can go from there. If you wait for him to make a move, it may never happen. Believe it or not many guys are just as afraid of rejection as we are! Although you are an 80s child you are also a woman of the 90s who should go after what you want! The trouble with men is that sometimes they need that extra encouragement to make sure that what they want, wants them in return! :) Have faith! The worst that could happen is that he doesn't feel the same... less amount of your time wasted if that's how he feels! (As a side note, I hit on Jason in a bar, and look where we are now! Sometimes having the guts puts you at a definite advantage!)
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