So it's been said officially almost a week ago. The L-word is out in the open now. Growing up media has always run the same scenario where one person asks another "how do you know when you're in love?". The response? "You'll know." And that's the thing, I bought the theory that when you fall in love a light bulb goes off to let you know that you are in love.
Everyone seems to think we said that word a long time ago but honestly I was waiting for the light bulb. I knew I cared about him, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but I kept waiting for the "you'll know" moment. And what I realized is that there was no moment because on some level that feeling has always been there.
And now I've said it and I don't feel any different; it hasn't been life changing or enlightening. But I'm happy he knows. It took me 29 years to say it to someone in a romantic way for the first time, and it took me 29 years to hear a man say it to me. In the end, the 29 year wait was totally worth it.
It still blows my mind how much my life has changed in less than 12 months time.
01 April 2010
"What a Difference a Day Makes"
Almost a year ago I reunited with old faces in an old town and thought my life was about to head in one direction, only to be completely derailed by the end of the following month in the best of possible ways.
A year ago I was still going strong with my boy boycott, completely confident in the fact that going without any sort of male attention for over a year would clarify my body, sending the slut toxins away and allowing me to find a man who would treat me right and want to be with me unlike men like Benedick who only wanted sex.
A year ago I was alone, in so many more ways than the obvious title of being single. I went from one job, to the next, and then home to watch TV and play on Facebook rarely interacting in any social context face to face. I felt deserted by my friends who had moved on to bigger, and better things, and was beginning to accept my fate as an old maid with no hope of finding true love. And old maid who would sooner or later come to the crossroads of having to choose between holding out for true love... and remaining single, or settling to be in a marriage with someone she could tolerate just so she could have a family.
And then there was a glimmer of hope in the form of light blue eyes; a boy from her past who showed interest and who she knew would treat her right. The thing I have come to realize, is that in many ways, the nice guy does finish last because he is safe. He's always been the nice guy and could never imagine being anything but. And while I'm no wild child, I need a little more in my life than vanilla ice cream to keep things interesting. As with all interactions I have with the male sex go, we ended up being on two very separate levels and I ran, promising another meeting soon to save myself from having to give the "I'm just not that in to you" talk.
Boy did I run, I ran back North and in less than 24-hours in to bed with Mr. Tight End. A man I hadn't seen in years and who I knew, on some level, even though I had only slept with him twice before, was my Kryptonite. But it was what I needed and he calmed the screaming in my head. Yet, I do feel guilty that I broke my 14 month boy boycott with a hook up - the whole reason I went in to the boycott to begin with was to find an actual relationship instead of continuing the hook up cycle.
And then, at the end of May in 2009, I went to a friend's wedding. A friend who I was friendly with in school, but never hung out with outside the class room. A friend who found me years later on myspace and started to send messages back and forth. A friend that thanks to my non-relationship relationship with Mr. Dishonesty allowed me an ear that would actually listen to what I was going through, and more importantly, who understood and sympathized.
I think the best part of all of it, was that she knew I was attending her wedding without a +1 so as the ever dutiful bride to be, she would give me the low down on any single men who were attending. Which brought up the challenge, she made a comment how all of her girl friends loved her brother and thought he was hot. I admitted that I'm not normally attracted to the guys that all girls are. She never offered him up as more than a dance partner for the reception and a curiosity to see where I would rank him on the hotness scale. And I honestly believe that at that point the thought of us dating never even crossed her mind.
And yet, there I was, in the line waiting to get a piece of cake when he grabbed me and started talking (he made me miss the cake by the way) - which in true fashion, I pointed out. This man from my past who I don't remember from school sealed the deal by arriving at my table 15 minutes later with a piece of cake for me. There are a ton of family photos and video footage of us dancing. Which, is kind of great - not many couples have their first meeting captured, but we do.
I left the wedding not in love though, I actually only thought he was cute but really nothing more. I had given him my number and was curious to see if he'd call me or not. A week later I was at his brother's house with no idea what to expect for a reception. And after the night was over I still had no clue, I left with a friendly hug and the promise that he'd find me on facebook so we could keep in touch.... whatever that meant.
And then the following day my phone rang, and we talked for almost three hours with no awkwardness or uncomfortable silences. And since that first phone call everything else has been so organic and natural; like this was Fate's plan all along and now that it has happened all of the pieces are falling in to place. I may not know what the future holds, but in my gut I know that I will be marrying this man and my friend will become my sister-in-law.
Just goes to show you that you never know what can happen or what life has in store for you when you walk out your door. I can't believe how much has happened in the past 12 months and how drastically my life has changed - and yet, a part of me isn't surprised at all because my relationship with this amazing man feels so right.
Fate didn't lead me down the path I thought it would, I didn't move back down to CT, nor did I start a relationship with a former classmate from there. But perhaps all of that was the preview for what was going to happen - a relationship with another former classmate who is the reformed bad boy most girls search in vain for. And he landed right in my lap without me having to agonize and wonder what he was thinking or if he liked me at all. From that first phone call on he has always been open and honest, I never played the "analyze this conversation" with my friends in regards to him. It's such a breath of fresh air and I make sure to not take him for granted... because I know where I came from and I do not want to go back to being that lonely, miserable, single girl.
And yet, I can't tell him I love him, I do, though it never happened in the light bulb moment I always thought it would. I want to say it, I plan out in my head how and where I'm going to say it, but the words never come out. I know it terrifies me, but I know he loves me so there's nothing to be scared of. I guess the L word is the last remaining wall I built up around me for so many years and it's the hardest to break down. It'll happen, and it's something that if I mean it, I should not go a day without saying it because you never know what tomorrow will bring. But I will, and soon because I love him, and I want to make sure he knows it.
It took me 29 years to build up those walls in an attempt to shield myself... and one brown eyed boy pulling me out of a cake line at a wedding to tear them down. Like the song says, "what a difference a day makes..."
A year ago I was still going strong with my boy boycott, completely confident in the fact that going without any sort of male attention for over a year would clarify my body, sending the slut toxins away and allowing me to find a man who would treat me right and want to be with me unlike men like Benedick who only wanted sex.
A year ago I was alone, in so many more ways than the obvious title of being single. I went from one job, to the next, and then home to watch TV and play on Facebook rarely interacting in any social context face to face. I felt deserted by my friends who had moved on to bigger, and better things, and was beginning to accept my fate as an old maid with no hope of finding true love. And old maid who would sooner or later come to the crossroads of having to choose between holding out for true love... and remaining single, or settling to be in a marriage with someone she could tolerate just so she could have a family.
And then there was a glimmer of hope in the form of light blue eyes; a boy from her past who showed interest and who she knew would treat her right. The thing I have come to realize, is that in many ways, the nice guy does finish last because he is safe. He's always been the nice guy and could never imagine being anything but. And while I'm no wild child, I need a little more in my life than vanilla ice cream to keep things interesting. As with all interactions I have with the male sex go, we ended up being on two very separate levels and I ran, promising another meeting soon to save myself from having to give the "I'm just not that in to you" talk.
Boy did I run, I ran back North and in less than 24-hours in to bed with Mr. Tight End. A man I hadn't seen in years and who I knew, on some level, even though I had only slept with him twice before, was my Kryptonite. But it was what I needed and he calmed the screaming in my head. Yet, I do feel guilty that I broke my 14 month boy boycott with a hook up - the whole reason I went in to the boycott to begin with was to find an actual relationship instead of continuing the hook up cycle.
And then, at the end of May in 2009, I went to a friend's wedding. A friend who I was friendly with in school, but never hung out with outside the class room. A friend who found me years later on myspace and started to send messages back and forth. A friend that thanks to my non-relationship relationship with Mr. Dishonesty allowed me an ear that would actually listen to what I was going through, and more importantly, who understood and sympathized.
I think the best part of all of it, was that she knew I was attending her wedding without a +1 so as the ever dutiful bride to be, she would give me the low down on any single men who were attending. Which brought up the challenge, she made a comment how all of her girl friends loved her brother and thought he was hot. I admitted that I'm not normally attracted to the guys that all girls are. She never offered him up as more than a dance partner for the reception and a curiosity to see where I would rank him on the hotness scale. And I honestly believe that at that point the thought of us dating never even crossed her mind.
And yet, there I was, in the line waiting to get a piece of cake when he grabbed me and started talking (he made me miss the cake by the way) - which in true fashion, I pointed out. This man from my past who I don't remember from school sealed the deal by arriving at my table 15 minutes later with a piece of cake for me. There are a ton of family photos and video footage of us dancing. Which, is kind of great - not many couples have their first meeting captured, but we do.
I left the wedding not in love though, I actually only thought he was cute but really nothing more. I had given him my number and was curious to see if he'd call me or not. A week later I was at his brother's house with no idea what to expect for a reception. And after the night was over I still had no clue, I left with a friendly hug and the promise that he'd find me on facebook so we could keep in touch.... whatever that meant.
And then the following day my phone rang, and we talked for almost three hours with no awkwardness or uncomfortable silences. And since that first phone call everything else has been so organic and natural; like this was Fate's plan all along and now that it has happened all of the pieces are falling in to place. I may not know what the future holds, but in my gut I know that I will be marrying this man and my friend will become my sister-in-law.
Just goes to show you that you never know what can happen or what life has in store for you when you walk out your door. I can't believe how much has happened in the past 12 months and how drastically my life has changed - and yet, a part of me isn't surprised at all because my relationship with this amazing man feels so right.
Fate didn't lead me down the path I thought it would, I didn't move back down to CT, nor did I start a relationship with a former classmate from there. But perhaps all of that was the preview for what was going to happen - a relationship with another former classmate who is the reformed bad boy most girls search in vain for. And he landed right in my lap without me having to agonize and wonder what he was thinking or if he liked me at all. From that first phone call on he has always been open and honest, I never played the "analyze this conversation" with my friends in regards to him. It's such a breath of fresh air and I make sure to not take him for granted... because I know where I came from and I do not want to go back to being that lonely, miserable, single girl.
And yet, I can't tell him I love him, I do, though it never happened in the light bulb moment I always thought it would. I want to say it, I plan out in my head how and where I'm going to say it, but the words never come out. I know it terrifies me, but I know he loves me so there's nothing to be scared of. I guess the L word is the last remaining wall I built up around me for so many years and it's the hardest to break down. It'll happen, and it's something that if I mean it, I should not go a day without saying it because you never know what tomorrow will bring. But I will, and soon because I love him, and I want to make sure he knows it.
It took me 29 years to build up those walls in an attempt to shield myself... and one brown eyed boy pulling me out of a cake line at a wedding to tear them down. Like the song says, "what a difference a day makes..."
04 February 2010
Happily Ever After?
The boy and I moved in together two weeks ago and while there have been some hiccups with the move (new place wasn't cleaned at all, I suck at packing and dragged it out for two weeks), overall it's gone a lot better than I thought it would. I know it's still "new" and exciting but I love having someone to come home to, someone to say goodnight to every night and good morning to while I'm groggy from not getting enough sleep and grumpy from the alarm going off to early. We have become, well a We and as much as it makes the cynic in me sick to my stomach, I'm loving being in a relationship and am completely falling head over heels for him.
I can honestly see myself marrying him down the road and raising a family together. He's my Yeti...
"All morning I thought how strange our meeting was. I mean, we have to be in a universe, on a continent, in a country, in a state, in a county, on a river, in a small yellow boat... A thousand coincidences that arranged themselves so that we would meet. And then, of course, we have to be attracted to each other. When I was little, my girlfriends and I called it Yeti love. You never expect to see it, but you've heard it's out there and it might just be a legend. But you keep looking for it anyway." - Eternal on the Water by Joseph Monninger.
I've spent so many years of my life swearing that I was fine on my own and that I could take care of myself, when in reality, I needed someone in my life who would take care of me in a way that allowed me to think I was still doing things on my own.
I never imagined all of this could be so easy, so natural. But this has all been so organic, like it was meant to be all along.
I can honestly see myself marrying him down the road and raising a family together. He's my Yeti...
"All morning I thought how strange our meeting was. I mean, we have to be in a universe, on a continent, in a country, in a state, in a county, on a river, in a small yellow boat... A thousand coincidences that arranged themselves so that we would meet. And then, of course, we have to be attracted to each other. When I was little, my girlfriends and I called it Yeti love. You never expect to see it, but you've heard it's out there and it might just be a legend. But you keep looking for it anyway." - Eternal on the Water by Joseph Monninger.
I've spent so many years of my life swearing that I was fine on my own and that I could take care of myself, when in reality, I needed someone in my life who would take care of me in a way that allowed me to think I was still doing things on my own.
I never imagined all of this could be so easy, so natural. But this has all been so organic, like it was meant to be all along.
24 December 2009
Signing on the Dotted Line
After 5 months of dating, the bf and I are about to sign a lease on a place of our own. Something in me is forcing myself to not get excited until we actually sign the lease and it's official but this is a whole new chapter of my life that I cannot wait to start.
I have been living on my own for four years now, I guess being the ultimate bachelorette. It has been a very lonely, unhappy four years. This man who blew in to my life completely unexpectedly makes me happier than I have ever been and all I want to do is make a life with him. Literally, not physically... well at least not yet. Babies are hopefully, years away.
In the upcoming weeks I will be packing up my apartment and getting ready to become a couple that lives together. And while the concept is scaring the shit out of me, it's also making me more excited than a kid on Christmas morning. Sure we'll disagree, I know it won't always be sunshine and rainbows, but this feels right.
I have fallen head over heels for this man and unlike all the other guys I have spent time with, he takes care of me and treats me right. He takes my car to get it washed while I'm at work, he always holds my coat for me so I can put it on, holds open doors, carries the shopping bags. He's a real man who knows how to treat me and I am so thankful that he is in my life and I look forward to growing old with him.
A lot can change in 12 months, huh? I'm entering in to 2010 a completely different person than this time last year.
Happy holidays and here's to hoping that 2010 brings nothing but joy for all of us.
I have been living on my own for four years now, I guess being the ultimate bachelorette. It has been a very lonely, unhappy four years. This man who blew in to my life completely unexpectedly makes me happier than I have ever been and all I want to do is make a life with him. Literally, not physically... well at least not yet. Babies are hopefully, years away.
In the upcoming weeks I will be packing up my apartment and getting ready to become a couple that lives together. And while the concept is scaring the shit out of me, it's also making me more excited than a kid on Christmas morning. Sure we'll disagree, I know it won't always be sunshine and rainbows, but this feels right.
I have fallen head over heels for this man and unlike all the other guys I have spent time with, he takes care of me and treats me right. He takes my car to get it washed while I'm at work, he always holds my coat for me so I can put it on, holds open doors, carries the shopping bags. He's a real man who knows how to treat me and I am so thankful that he is in my life and I look forward to growing old with him.
A lot can change in 12 months, huh? I'm entering in to 2010 a completely different person than this time last year.
Happy holidays and here's to hoping that 2010 brings nothing but joy for all of us.
10 November 2009
Look Out The Window, Pigs Are Flying by
As cliche as the saying is, everyone has their good days and bad days. And while I still am high strung and easily stressed out at the end of the day I am content. Not the type of contentment that is kin to settling for something less than you deserve just to have something but the contentment that is a cat curled up in the sun all nice and warm purring away. My sun is a brown-eyed man who blew in to my life and swept me off my feet before I knew what was happening.
My toxic family can still break my down to a sobbing mess but now I have a pair of strong arms to pick me up, be brutally honest in telling me how I need to not let their drama bother me (because he cars and doesn't want me to be hurt), and who will provide me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I finally feel like there's someone in my corner, someone who wants to protect me and keep me from harm. After 28 years of fighting to put up sandbags around me to try and protect myself from the tsunami of emotional hell that is my relationship with my parents feeling so alone in the storm it's like a rescue line has finally been tossed to me. He might not understand what's going on or be able to sympathize with why their words and actions cause me to break down, but he's there for me and that's all I need.
I'm finally really, truly, happy. It's such a foreign feeling but a welcome one.
I can honestly see myself building a life with this man and being happy to wake up next to him every morning until I take my last breath in this lifetime. It's an utterly terrifying and yet completely exciting feeling.
My toxic family can still break my down to a sobbing mess but now I have a pair of strong arms to pick me up, be brutally honest in telling me how I need to not let their drama bother me (because he cars and doesn't want me to be hurt), and who will provide me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I finally feel like there's someone in my corner, someone who wants to protect me and keep me from harm. After 28 years of fighting to put up sandbags around me to try and protect myself from the tsunami of emotional hell that is my relationship with my parents feeling so alone in the storm it's like a rescue line has finally been tossed to me. He might not understand what's going on or be able to sympathize with why their words and actions cause me to break down, but he's there for me and that's all I need.
I'm finally really, truly, happy. It's such a foreign feeling but a welcome one.
I can honestly see myself building a life with this man and being happy to wake up next to him every morning until I take my last breath in this lifetime. It's an utterly terrifying and yet completely exciting feeling.
30 September 2009
At Another Crossroad
I'm a little ashamed to admit that after spending a summer with the potential boy, that I'm completely and utterly falling for him. I can't stop thinking about him, I can't stop talking about him, and I miss him like crazy even though we talk every day.
It just feels so... right. But I don't know if it feels right because it actually is right or if it feels right only because I have nothing else to compare it to. Maybe this is the norm, nothing special, what every other beginning of a relationship feels like no matter what the outcome. Or maybe it is more, the potential boy is the first guy I have had feelings for that I can picture sharing my life with. And I mean forever life - taking his last name, buying a house, having kids, growing old together. We talk about it all the time and it blows my mind how comfortable HE is about having those talks and sharing in the daydream of playing "what if".
Right now all I can think of is wanting to move in with him, for us to get a place of our own. Me, who has never had a roommate, who has worked thousands of extra hours and fought tooth and nail to keep my apartment, my little piece of sanity. And the thing is I know it's a bad idea this early on because while he's laid back now he hasn't completely seen me at my worst and I know that there are many aspects to living with someone, especially your boyfriend that I'm not ready to face or handle right now.
But that's where my head is at, I want to be able to fall asleep next to him every night and not just on the weekends. I'm beginning to think that Fate had a plan for me in making me wait so long to finally find a guy who wanted to claim me and not play head games and be non-committal. That I had to go lonely for so many years so that I could truly appreciate being happy when the time came.
And I am, I am the happiest I have been in.... forever.
It just feels so... right. But I don't know if it feels right because it actually is right or if it feels right only because I have nothing else to compare it to. Maybe this is the norm, nothing special, what every other beginning of a relationship feels like no matter what the outcome. Or maybe it is more, the potential boy is the first guy I have had feelings for that I can picture sharing my life with. And I mean forever life - taking his last name, buying a house, having kids, growing old together. We talk about it all the time and it blows my mind how comfortable HE is about having those talks and sharing in the daydream of playing "what if".
Right now all I can think of is wanting to move in with him, for us to get a place of our own. Me, who has never had a roommate, who has worked thousands of extra hours and fought tooth and nail to keep my apartment, my little piece of sanity. And the thing is I know it's a bad idea this early on because while he's laid back now he hasn't completely seen me at my worst and I know that there are many aspects to living with someone, especially your boyfriend that I'm not ready to face or handle right now.
But that's where my head is at, I want to be able to fall asleep next to him every night and not just on the weekends. I'm beginning to think that Fate had a plan for me in making me wait so long to finally find a guy who wanted to claim me and not play head games and be non-committal. That I had to go lonely for so many years so that I could truly appreciate being happy when the time came.
And I am, I am the happiest I have been in.... forever.
24 August 2009
The Life and Times of a Grown-Up Red
So over the past few months I've realized that when I'm actually happy, my blogger muse goes on vacation. I'm not exactly sure what that says about me as a person... that I have nothing to write about when things are actually going well in my life but I'd much rather be happy and not blogging than to be miserable and writing.
With that being said, I, Red, have been in an actual relationship for over a month now. After 28 years and many failed attempts I found a man who wanted to claim me and make me his girlfriend - not only that, he didn't dick around dragging things out to decide if he was really interested or not. And I couldn't be happier. Perhaps that's why I haven't been able to come up with a nickname for him since he's far more real than any of the boys I have nicknamed in the past. He is my boyfriend and he is a man, not a boy - and that makes all the difference in the world.
This is all new ground I'm walking and it's completely terrifying, but I'm enjoying it completely. Getting to know the bf over the last couple of months has made me realize that I never really LIKED any of the boys from my past even if in the moment I thought I did. It puts everything in to perspective and makes me slightly embarrassed over the emotional drama I've gone through crying over boys who weren't even worth my time let alone my tears.
Who knows, maybe this was my version of celibacy until marriage - I was subconsciously just waiting for the right man to come along before I exchanged boyfriend/girlfriend labels, choosing not to waste my time and effort on those who were not worthy of it.
No one can predict the future and I'm well aware that we're still in that everything is sunshine and rainbows early stages of a relationship, but we've had way more gut wrenching, real conversations than most couples do in their first year of dating. We talk about our potential future and it's scary but makes me excited about what might happen rather than making me want to run to save myself from the hurt if it doesn't happen. I absolutely love that he looks like a bad ass, that he served our country (as a Marine no less... that's hardcore manly shit), and yet on the inside he's a sweetheart. It's the best of both worlds and what I've been attempting to find for all these years. Who knew that it would only take an old friend from high school to get married and a re-introduction to her little bro for me to find what I've been looking for.
With that being said, I, Red, have been in an actual relationship for over a month now. After 28 years and many failed attempts I found a man who wanted to claim me and make me his girlfriend - not only that, he didn't dick around dragging things out to decide if he was really interested or not. And I couldn't be happier. Perhaps that's why I haven't been able to come up with a nickname for him since he's far more real than any of the boys I have nicknamed in the past. He is my boyfriend and he is a man, not a boy - and that makes all the difference in the world.
This is all new ground I'm walking and it's completely terrifying, but I'm enjoying it completely. Getting to know the bf over the last couple of months has made me realize that I never really LIKED any of the boys from my past even if in the moment I thought I did. It puts everything in to perspective and makes me slightly embarrassed over the emotional drama I've gone through crying over boys who weren't even worth my time let alone my tears.
Who knows, maybe this was my version of celibacy until marriage - I was subconsciously just waiting for the right man to come along before I exchanged boyfriend/girlfriend labels, choosing not to waste my time and effort on those who were not worthy of it.
No one can predict the future and I'm well aware that we're still in that everything is sunshine and rainbows early stages of a relationship, but we've had way more gut wrenching, real conversations than most couples do in their first year of dating. We talk about our potential future and it's scary but makes me excited about what might happen rather than making me want to run to save myself from the hurt if it doesn't happen. I absolutely love that he looks like a bad ass, that he served our country (as a Marine no less... that's hardcore manly shit), and yet on the inside he's a sweetheart. It's the best of both worlds and what I've been attempting to find for all these years. Who knew that it would only take an old friend from high school to get married and a re-introduction to her little bro for me to find what I've been looking for.
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