"Thanks, but no thanks."

I am humbled.
Life has shaken me to my very core with humility.
With doubt.
I have been measured and found to be lacking.

Lacking in what? Ah, therein lies the rub.
I don’t know, for there is not much to gather from four simple words.
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
These words are my Achilles heel. My Kryptonite.

It has been over a month now and I risk losing everything.
Everything I foolishly bought that has become the monkey on my back.
The weight that makes climbing out of the hole I’m in almost impossible.
Still, my place, my possessions, are all I have - there is no dignity left to be had.

Yet material possessions do not fill voids they can only mask them.
At what point in my life did I veer so off course?
There are no positives, only negatives.
My life has become a black hole, a void that is gapingly empty.

Every way I turn there are holes.
Like fishnet stockings held together only by the thinnest of threads.
Fast friendships have dissolved, employment has dissolved, love life? D.O.A.
The latter because I was foolish enough to mistake the B.S. for truth.

Like Robert Johnson, I stand before a crossroad.
Do I too sell my soul to the Devil for unworldly talents?
People want me to be little miss Susie sunshine so I put on a brave face.
It’s enough to win me an Oscar.

The strong arms of a lover, a shoulder to cry on, someone to take care of you.
A perfect job that is your calling to throw yourself into to forget the rest.
These tangible comforts solve the world’s problems.
I have neither job, nor lover and am left to defend the demons at the door on my own.

To stay positive one has to be getting SOMETHING back.
One aspect of a person’s life needs to be above mediocre.
Damnit I AM more than mediocre! So why isn’t my life fabulous?
Why is the wolf at my door threatening me with my utter destruction?