"Thanks, but no thanks."

I am humbled.
Life has shaken me to my very core with humility.
With doubt.
I have been measured and found to be lacking.

Lacking in what? Ah, therein lies the rub.
I don’t know, for there is not much to gather from four simple words.
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
These words are my Achilles heel. My Kryptonite.

It has been over a month now and I risk losing everything.
Everything I foolishly bought that has become the monkey on my back.
The weight that makes climbing out of the hole I’m in almost impossible.
Still, my place, my possessions, are all I have - there is no dignity left to be had.

Yet material possessions do not fill voids they can only mask them.
At what point in my life did I veer so off course?
There are no positives, only negatives.
My life has become a black hole, a void that is gapingly empty.

Every way I turn there are holes.
Like fishnet stockings held together only by the thinnest of threads.
Fast friendships have dissolved, employment has dissolved, love life? D.O.A.
The latter because I was foolish enough to mistake the B.S. for truth.

Like Robert Johnson, I stand before a crossroad.
Do I too sell my soul to the Devil for unworldly talents?
People want me to be little miss Susie sunshine so I put on a brave face.
It’s enough to win me an Oscar.

The strong arms of a lover, a shoulder to cry on, someone to take care of you.
A perfect job that is your calling to throw yourself into to forget the rest.
These tangible comforts solve the world’s problems.
I have neither job, nor lover and am left to defend the demons at the door on my own.

To stay positive one has to be getting SOMETHING back.
One aspect of a person’s life needs to be above mediocre.
Damnit I AM more than mediocre! So why isn’t my life fabulous?
Why is the wolf at my door threatening me with my utter destruction?

"It don't take a word/Not a single word/Go on and kiss the girl"

There's a moment that every person experiences at least once in their life. That moment when you are talking to someone and you get the feeling they are thinking about kissing you, that they want to kiss you. The air becomes electrically charged, your heart starts to race, and you start to wonder if they'll make the move or if you should. I love that moment, it's one of the most exciting things about meeting someone new, the anticipation of the first kiss. It can also be the most frustrating when you're feeling that vibe but nothing happens.

I'm a firm believer that the guy needs to always make the first move (first kiss, asking out first, initiate sex first)... once the first time is over then it's all on the table, but that first move needs to be made by the guy. Call me old fashioned but I don't think I'm scary, the dude has to be able to gather up enough courage to take the risk, I like to believe I make it very obvious if I'm attracted to someone. If they can't muster up the guts to make that move what else will they wuss out on later?

The problem with that "he wants to kiss me" vibe is that if he doesn't make the move a girl is left wondering if she made it up all in her head or not.

It's annoying.

Fading Away

I have spent too much time with myself as of late; lost in my own personal nightmare. Like Alice, I have fallen down the rabbit hole and have found myself in a topsy-turvy world.

There is nothing like a job search to shake your self-confidence to its very core. I think I've applied to over 80 jobs the last couple of weeks, I've had one interview that led to nothing, and other than that no one is biting. It looks like I could lose all the ground I have gained over this past year of breaking my back to pay off my stupidities. Question is, where to go from here? Am I really that undesirable as a worker that I can be let go out of the blue with a flick of the wrist like I'm a fly to be swatted away? My work experiences count for something, but so far they have done nothing for me. No one wants to hire me, am I that deficient in work now like I am in relationships? Is it a reflection on myself or on them that I was let go?

How does one become a hooker? I've done the whole sex without emotion thing for years... why not do it again but get paid for it? I wonder what my going rate is, what am I worth for a night? If only the stories told in movies were true, I too could be taken off the streets by a handsome bachelor who doesn't know how to drive a stick shift sports car and given the good life on a silver platter. That's the thing about movies, they're just that. In real life Julia Roberts wouldn't be a hooker nor would Richard Gere be there, falling in love with a girl from the streets and wanting to bring her in to his rich world.

And if not a hooker, how about pulling an Anna Nicole Smith and marrying an old man who will leave me everything in his will as I swear that it was real love despite the age difference. Great in theory but like the above... I'm at a lack of ideas on how to go about this scheme.

I feel like I have been locked in solitary confinement left alone with my mind that is screaming in frustration about how I am going to manage to pay my bills at the end of the month let alone March and on without any job leads or promises. I guess I learned the hard lesson that sweet talk and a picture painted that sounded too good to be true was just that... false promises and I'm the fool to have left a job for them. One of my good friends keeps telling me I need to stop the negative energy, if I think positively good things will happen, but how can one not be negative about this situation?

A reader called for an update on my life but unfortunately I have nothing to update. My life consists of spending hours on my computer looking at any and every job posting web site I can think of and applying for jobs, whoring myself out to pimps who keep turning their backs on me, not wanting me to become part of their stock. I felt guilty spending the $20 including tip today getting my hair cut, I haven't gone out in I don't know how long, I have friend in various cities calling for me to visit and I don't even see a near future opportunity when that can happen. Life costs money, breathing costs money - money I no longer have.

Goldberg is gone, after making a midnight escape from my apt (more or less), I have not heard from him since. Benedick is... Benedick. I need that man in my life right now so badly it hurts, someone to take charge... make me feel safe and that everything will be ok, someone to take my mind off all my worries at night so that I can finally get some sleep. But like always, he ain't there so I am left to take care of myself further shutting myself off from the world.

I feel so lost, in a little over a week I'll be 27...27 years old and what do I have to show for it? Not much, I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. It's been a crazy year so far, so much has changed and yet so much has stayed the same. It's really kind of sad.