"So you can keep your belief in whatever. I'll wear my cynicism like a tattoo."

So the great boy boycott of '08-'09 has ended, and while I would have put money on it being broken by Benedick he wasn't the boy who finally broke down the door. And what a breaking down it was! It's been weeks and I'm still grinning... and wondering why I didn't tell that boy to get his gorgeous behind to my apartment sooner. But more on that later, this story needs to play out in order.

After Benedick's status change he disappeared from my life, even days before those horrible three words he was chatting me up on AIM. But after, nothing - not that I have anything nice to say to him. Come hockey season we can talk sports again but we've never been friends so why start now? Then again, if he did want to be friends with me he should have stepped up and told me he was actually dating someone and more importantly that he got himself a girlfriend (I still hope she's hideous) as a common courtesy. Whatever, the world still hasn't stopped spinning after finally getting off that merry-go-round; and not in the good way.

Part of me feels like a toddler learning how to walk, I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other but all I end up doing is stubbing my toes and doing face plants. But I have decided that I need to put myself out there into situations where something could happen... which also means I have to start dating as much as I hate dates. There's nothing organic about the awkwardness of the first couple of dates with someone new. They're painful and I never end up being myself. I don't make good first impressions, I'm someone that will grow on you but I don't think I'm automatically loved. Like sushi you need to get used to the taste before you can truly enjoy the experience. Ok that sounds kind of naughty... but I guess on some level it still fits.

But here's where things get a little bit sticky and I think I stepped a tad too far over the slut line. But I know why I reacted the way I did so I don't regret my actions in the slightest. I went on a date with Casper, and he continued to be the shy, nice guy... and that's about when I hopped off the train. I have a slight issue with only wanting to be with the boys who don't want to date me and running away from the ones who show actual interest in me and not just getting me naked. Casper is awesome and unfortunately I don't know if I'm not into it because my defense mechanisms have kicked into high gear or if I'm actually just not that into him. But the fact of the matter is that I didn't want to rip his clothes off and for me, having that desire is at the top of my list when it comes to liking a guy. Sex and sexual attraction are very, very important to me... and after not having sex (or anything) for 13 months I should have been at a point where I had no standards but I just wasn't feeling it. And I still feel horrible that I don't because Casper is the type of guy I need in my life right now, but I can't lead him on after he's shown interest when I know I'd be going on a second date just to see if I'm being a complete commitment-phobe or not.

The following morning Mr. Tight-end IMs me and throws out that he should swing by on his way through town... and I found myself saying yes even though it made me feel slightly dirty knowing I had been on a date with Casper less than 24 hrs prior. But here's the thing about MTE - I know what I can and can't have with him, there's no drama, no second guessing and while it won't be a road that leads to a relationship I can still appreciate him for that. I'll admit I hadn't heard his voice in over two years and when he called to get directions I found myself jumping around my apartment and grinning like an idiot. And then seeing him at my door, actually there in person... I was smitten all over again. I couldn't have asked for a better way to break my boycott, or a better person to break it with. And oh my god I forgot how hot he is, his long lashes, cute school boy smile, and all the muscles.

If I could smush the shy, nice guy who wants to date me aspects of Casper into the body and sexual chemistry (and skill) of MTE I would be a very, very happy girl. Sadly life doesn't work that way... even worse is that my life seems to either offer me the boy who will be a good boyfriend and treat me well or the boy who my body craves the touch of but never both in the same body. Ah the trials and tribulations of being a single gal in her late 20s.

Me being the person I am my online status the following work day announced that the boycott was ending. And I'll admit I posted it to see if that would entice Benedick to make contact. It worked, he wished me congrats, then made a comment about the silence when I chose not to respond. He then made a second attempt the following day saying he just wanted to "catch up" but I said I was busy and signed off. A little childish but seriously, I'm not about to talk about my sex life with him. And how DARE he try and act like he's not a jerk and that nothing has happened that he needs to explain or apologize for. We're not cool nor will I feed into his masochistic needs to dig for details about who is seeing me naked. He had his chance to claim me, he chose not to and that's the end of that.

Oh, and one thing I don't get? A few weeks ago at a networking event my friend and I ended up chatting with this boy (he's 24, he's a baby) who was nice but who completely shocked me when upon excusing himself from the table, asked for my number. I gave him one of my personal business cards but in all honesty didn't even know if I wanted him to call me or not. Two days later he sent me an email (yes email not a phone call... that's a negative) and said it was nice meeting me and suggested meeting up sometime the following week. It took me a few days to respond since I don't check that account often but now it's been well over a week and no response. What's the point of asking for my number, emailing me suggesting we hang out and then just never making contact again? I understand the game of "can I get her #" but then you just never do anything about it or throw her card into a drought drawer you don't shoot her an email and then disappear. What gives?

I'm frustrated overall and at a loss as to how to fix things. Clearly I need to reassess what makes me tick and the types of boys that get me going or else I'll be single forever. Over dinner the other week one of my closest friends told me that with any of her other close friends she could be in a public place and easily pick out their type of guy, the one she knows they'd be making eyes at if they saw them but that I'm her only friend she can't do that for. And if one of my best friends doesn't know how to pick out a guy she'll know I'll like that obviously means that *I* don't know what kind of boy I like. I'm pushing 30 and I think I've finally figured out who I am, yet here I am living the life of a quasi hermit without any dates lined up for the foreseeable future and no clear solution in sight. If I can't find the attraction in a boy who wants to pursue a relationship with me I'll end up alone or settling (which is worse) so I truly need to get my act together and stop this nonsense of chasing after guys I can't have in the way I want.

Until I figure it out though I will continue to be the snarky girl in the corner wearing her cynicism like a tattoo daring the world to challenge her views on life, boys, and love.