Sláinte

Four Little Letters That Pack a Whole Lot of Meaning...

2010-05-22T10:42:00.002-04:00

So it's been said officially almost a week ago. The L-word is out in the open now. Growing up media has always run the same scenario where one person asks another "how do you know when you're in love?". The response? "You'll know." And that's the thing, I bought the theory that when you fall in love a light bulb goes off to let you know that you are in love.

Everyone seems to think we said that word a long time ago but honestly I was waiting for the light bulb. I knew I cared about him, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but I kept waiting for the "you'll know" moment. And what I realized is that there was no moment because on some level that feeling has always been there.

And now I've said it and I don't feel any different; it hasn't been life changing or enlightening. But I'm happy he knows. It took me 29 years to say it to someone in a romantic way for the first time, and it took me 29 years to hear a man say it to me. In the end, the 29 year wait was totally worth it.

It still blows my mind how much my life has changed in less than 12 months time.

"What a Difference a Day Makes"

2010-04-01T20:45:00.002-04:00

Almost a year ago I reunited with old faces in an old town and thought my life was about to head in one direction, only to be completely derailed by the end of the following month in the best of possible ways.

A year ago I was still going strong with my boy boycott, completely confident in the fact that going without any sort of male attention for over a year would clarify my body, sending the slut toxins away and allowing me to find a man who would treat me right and want to be with me unlike men like Benedick who only wanted sex.

A year ago I was alone, in so many more ways than the obvious title of being single. I went from one job, to the next, and then home to watch TV and play on Facebook rarely interacting in any social context face to face. I felt deserted by my friends who had moved on to bigger, and better things, and was beginning to accept my fate as an old maid with no hope of finding true love. And old maid who would sooner or later come to the crossroads of having to choose between holding out for true love... and remaining single, or settling to be in a marriage with someone she could tolerate just so she could have a family.

And then there was a glimmer of hope in the form of light blue eyes; a boy from her past who showed interest and who she knew would treat her right. The thing I have come to realize, is that in many ways, the nice guy does finish last because he is safe. He's always been the nice guy and could never imagine being anything but. And while I'm no wild child, I need a little more in my life than vanilla ice cream to keep things interesting. As with all interactions I have with the male sex go, we ended up being on two very separate levels and I ran, promising another meeting soon to save myself from having to give the "I'm just not that in to you" talk.

Boy did I run, I ran back North and in less than 24-hours in to bed with Mr. Tight End. A man I hadn't seen in years and who I knew, on some level, even though I had only slept with him twice before, was my Kryptonite. But it was what I needed and he calmed the screaming in my head. Yet, I do feel guilty that I broke my 14 month boy boycott with a hook up - the whole reason I went in to the boycott to begin with was to find an actual relationship instead of continuing the hook up cycle.

And then, at the end of May in 2009, I went to a friend's wedding. A friend who I was friendly with in school, but never hung out with outside the class room. A friend who found me years later on myspace and started to send messages back and forth. A friend that thanks to my non-relationship relationship with Mr. Dishonesty allowed me an ear that would actually listen to what I was going through, and more importantly, who understood and sympathized.

I think the best part of all of it, was that she knew I was attending her wedding without a +1 so as the ever dutiful bride to be, she would give me the low down on any single men who were attending. Which brought up the challenge, she made a comment how all of her girl friends loved her brother and thought he was hot. I admitted that I'm not normally attracted to the guys that all girls are. She never offered him up as more than a dance partner for the reception and a curiosity to see where I would rank him on the hotness scale. And I honestly believe that at that point the thought of us dating never even crossed her mind.

And yet, there I was, in the line waiting to get a piece of cake when he grabbed me and started talking (he made me miss the cake by the way) - which in true fashion, I pointed out. This man from my past who I don't remember from school sealed the deal by arriving at my table 15 minutes later with a piece of cake for me. There are a ton of family photos and video footage of us dancing. Which, is kind of great - not many couples have their first meeting captured, but we do.

I left the wedding not in love though, I actually only thought he was cute but really nothing more. I had given him my number and was curious to see if he'd call me or not. A week later I was at his brother's house with no idea what to expect for a reception. And after the night was over I still had no clue, I left with a friendly hug and the promise that he'd find me on facebook so we could keep in touch.... whatever that meant.

And then the following day my phone rang, and we talked for almost three hours with no awkwardness or uncomfortable silences. And since that first phone call everything else has been so organic and natural; like this was Fate's plan all along and now that it has happened all of the pieces are falling in to place. I may not know what the future holds, but in my gut I know that I will be marrying this man and my friend will become my sister-in-law.

Just goes to show you that you never know what can happen or what life has in store for you when you walk out your door. I can't believe how much has happened in the past 12 months and how drastically my life has changed - and yet, a part of me isn't surprised at all because my relationship with this amazing man feels so right.

Fate didn't lead me down the path I thought it would, I didn't move back down to CT, nor did I start a relationship with a former classmate from there. But perhaps all of that was the preview for what was going to happen - a relationship with another former classmate who is the reformed bad boy most girls search in vain for. And he landed right in my lap without me having to agonize and wonder what he was thinking or if he liked me at all. From that first phone call on he has always been open and honest, I never played the "analyze this conversation" with my friends in regards to him. It's such a breath of fresh air and I make sure to not take him for granted... because I know where I came from and I do not want to go back to being that lonely, miserable, single girl.

And yet, I can't tell him I love him, I do, though it never happened in the light bulb moment I always thought it would. I want to say it, I plan out in my head how and where I'm going to say it, but the words never come out. I know it terrifies me, but I know he loves me so there's nothing to be scared of. I guess the L word is the last remaining wall I built up around me for so many years and it's the hardest to break down. It'll happen, and it's something that if I mean it, I should not go a day without saying it because you never know what tomorrow will bring. But I will, and soon because I love him, and I want to make sure he knows it.

It took me 29 years to build up those walls in an attempt to shield myself... and one brown eyed boy pulling me out of a cake line at a wedding to tear them down. Like the song says, "what a difference a day makes..."

Happily Ever After?

2010-02-04T20:49:00.002-05:00

The boy and I moved in together two weeks ago and while there have been some hiccups with the move (new place wasn't cleaned at all, I suck at packing and dragged it out for two weeks), overall it's gone a lot better than I thought it would. I know it's still "new" and exciting but I love having someone to come home to, someone to say goodnight to every night and good morning to while I'm groggy from not getting enough sleep and grumpy from the alarm going off to early. We have become, well a We and as much as it makes the cynic in me sick to my stomach, I'm loving being in a relationship and am completely falling head over heels for him.

I can honestly see myself marrying him down the road and raising a family together. He's my Yeti...

"All morning I thought how strange our meeting was. I mean, we have to be in a universe, on a continent, in a country, in a state, in a county, on a river, in a small yellow boat... A thousand coincidences that arranged themselves so that we would meet. And then, of course, we have to be attracted to each other. When I was little, my girlfriends and I called it Yeti love. You never expect to see it, but you've heard it's out there and it might just be a legend. But you keep looking for it anyway." - Eternal on the Water by Joseph Monninger.

I've spent so many years of my life swearing that I was fine on my own and that I could take care of myself, when in reality, I needed someone in my life who would take care of me in a way that allowed me to think I was still doing things on my own.

I never imagined all of this could be so easy, so natural. But this has all been so organic, like it was meant to be all along.

Signing on the Dotted Line

2009-12-24T17:53:00.002-05:00

After 5 months of dating, the bf and I are about to sign a lease on a place of our own. Something in me is forcing myself to not get excited until we actually sign the lease and it's official but this is a whole new chapter of my life that I cannot wait to start.

I have been living on my own for four years now, I guess being the ultimate bachelorette. It has been a very lonely, unhappy four years. This man who blew in to my life completely unexpectedly makes me happier than I have ever been and all I want to do is make a life with him. Literally, not physically... well at least not yet. Babies are hopefully, years away.

In the upcoming weeks I will be packing up my apartment and getting ready to become a couple that lives together. And while the concept is scaring the shit out of me, it's also making me more excited than a kid on Christmas morning. Sure we'll disagree, I know it won't always be sunshine and rainbows, but this feels right.

I have fallen head over heels for this man and unlike all the other guys I have spent time with, he takes care of me and treats me right. He takes my car to get it washed while I'm at work, he always holds my coat for me so I can put it on, holds open doors, carries the shopping bags. He's a real man who knows how to treat me and I am so thankful that he is in my life and I look forward to growing old with him.

A lot can change in 12 months, huh? I'm entering in to 2010 a completely different person than this time last year.

Happy holidays and here's to hoping that 2010 brings nothing but joy for all of us.

Look Out The Window, Pigs Are Flying by

2009-11-10T20:30:00.002-05:00

As cliche as the saying is, everyone has their good days and bad days. And while I still am high strung and easily stressed out at the end of the day I am content. Not the type of contentment that is kin to settling for something less than you deserve just to have something but the contentment that is a cat curled up in the sun all nice and warm purring away. My sun is a brown-eyed man who blew in to my life and swept me off my feet before I knew what was happening.

My toxic family can still break my down to a sobbing mess but now I have a pair of strong arms to pick me up, be brutally honest in telling me how I need to not let their drama bother me (because he cars and doesn't want me to be hurt), and who will provide me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I finally feel like there's someone in my corner, someone who wants to protect me and keep me from harm. After 28 years of fighting to put up sandbags around me to try and protect myself from the tsunami of emotional hell that is my relationship with my parents feeling so alone in the storm it's like a rescue line has finally been tossed to me. He might not understand what's going on or be able to sympathize with why their words and actions cause me to break down, but he's there for me and that's all I need.

I'm finally really, truly, happy. It's such a foreign feeling but a welcome one.

I can honestly see myself building a life with this man and being happy to wake up next to him every morning until I take my last breath in this lifetime. It's an utterly terrifying and yet completely exciting feeling.

At Another Crossroad

2009-09-30T20:27:00.003-04:00

I'm a little ashamed to admit that after spending a summer with the potential boy, that I'm completely and utterly falling for him. I can't stop thinking about him, I can't stop talking about him, and I miss him like crazy even though we talk every day.

It just feels so... right. But I don't know if it feels right because it actually is right or if it feels right only because I have nothing else to compare it to. Maybe this is the norm, nothing special, what every other beginning of a relationship feels like no matter what the outcome. Or maybe it is more, the potential boy is the first guy I have had feelings for that I can picture sharing my life with. And I mean forever life - taking his last name, buying a house, having kids, growing old together. We talk about it all the time and it blows my mind how comfortable HE is about having those talks and sharing in the daydream of playing "what if".

Right now all I can think of is wanting to move in with him, for us to get a place of our own. Me, who has never had a roommate, who has worked thousands of extra hours and fought tooth and nail to keep my apartment, my little piece of sanity. And the thing is I know it's a bad idea this early on because while he's laid back now he hasn't completely seen me at my worst and I know that there are many aspects to living with someone, especially your boyfriend that I'm not ready to face or handle right now.

But that's where my head is at, I want to be able to fall asleep next to him every night and not just on the weekends. I'm beginning to think that Fate had a plan for me in making me wait so long to finally find a guy who wanted to claim me and not play head games and be non-committal. That I had to go lonely for so many years so that I could truly appreciate being happy when the time came.

And I am, I am the happiest I have been in.... forever.

The Life and Times of a Grown-Up Red

2009-08-24T20:13:00.003-04:00

So over the past few months I've realized that when I'm actually happy, my blogger muse goes on vacation. I'm not exactly sure what that says about me as a person... that I have nothing to write about when things are actually going well in my life but I'd much rather be happy and not blogging than to be miserable and writing.

With that being said, I, Red, have been in an actual relationship for over a month now. After 28 years and many failed attempts I found a man who wanted to claim me and make me his girlfriend - not only that, he didn't dick around dragging things out to decide if he was really interested or not. And I couldn't be happier. Perhaps that's why I haven't been able to come up with a nickname for him since he's far more real than any of the boys I have nicknamed in the past. He is my boyfriend and he is a man, not a boy - and that makes all the difference in the world.

This is all new ground I'm walking and it's completely terrifying, but I'm enjoying it completely. Getting to know the bf over the last couple of months has made me realize that I never really LIKED any of the boys from my past even if in the moment I thought I did. It puts everything in to perspective and makes me slightly embarrassed over the emotional drama I've gone through crying over boys who weren't even worth my time let alone my tears.

Who knows, maybe this was my version of celibacy until marriage - I was subconsciously just waiting for the right man to come along before I exchanged boyfriend/girlfriend labels, choosing not to waste my time and effort on those who were not worthy of it.

No one can predict the future and I'm well aware that we're still in that everything is sunshine and rainbows early stages of a relationship, but we've had way more gut wrenching, real conversations than most couples do in their first year of dating. We talk about our potential future and it's scary but makes me excited about what might happen rather than making me want to run to save myself from the hurt if it doesn't happen. I absolutely love that he looks like a bad ass, that he served our country (as a Marine no less... that's hardcore manly shit), and yet on the inside he's a sweetheart. It's the best of both worlds and what I've been attempting to find for all these years. Who knew that it would only take an old friend from high school to get married and a re-introduction to her little bro for me to find what I've been looking for.

"I think we're alone now. The beating of our hearts is the only sound."

2009-07-04T00:20:00.002-04:00

So things are progressing nicely with the potential boy whom I still cannot nickname. Up until now we have only seen each other in the presence of others, never alone, and while we talk easily on the phone for hours I know that our first one-on-one time will be a true indicator of how I feel.

The situation terrifies me, every time we talk he says things that boys just don't say to girls anymore. Knowing I was having a hard time with Father's Day since I did not want to have to spend the day with my father's wife, the potential boy told me that I am who I am because of the people in my life and that he likes who I am so I should thank my father for him. He admitted to me that he feels like a school girl every time he calls me because he gets nervous. Appearance wise he looks like he should be a bad ass with a d-bag personality... but so far it seems like he's just a manly man who is also a sweet man. I honestly did not think any of them still existed.

Of course me being the jaded cynic that I am I keep waiting for the ball to drop and true colors to come out... or for me to screw it up. Talking about the potential boy with friends, I have come to realize that I have never really liked any of the other boys who have shared my bed (the potential is currently on first waiting for the game to resume). I have been in like with situations I have been in, I have liked the sex I have had with a few of them, but as for the boys themselves? I had slightly more than friendly feelings for them but not much more. If things continue as they have started with the potential boy I can see myself falling for him. It's brand new territory for me and because circumstances are not perfect I can't help but think that things will continue towards something.

We will be spending tomorrow afternoon with each other - all by ourselves. I am both excited and scared out of my mind. This all came out of left field and was completely unexpected. Perhaps my night will end tomorrow with the Rom Com cliche of both literal and figurative fireworks. Only time will tell.

"Once again I'm riding shotgun, to everything that's on my mind."

2009-06-18T19:55:00.003-04:00

For the first time since I've been blogging, I am at a loss on what nickname to use for a boy I'm potentially interested in. I'm not sure what that exactly means about him, I know enough to come up with a nickname yet as much as I ponder it my mind stays blank. I had a manager once who said he'll know I'm serious about someone when I stop referring to him as a boy and start saying "my man". Perhaps the nicknaming goes along with that, guess only time will tell.

Regardless, I was very disappointed when the weekend passed without a second call from him. I know I had said how I was busy all weekend so I wrote it off as him acknowledging the fact I had said I really wasn't free. It's so frustrating to be at this stage where you think there is potential interest with a guy and yet there is no validation that the same thoughts are crossing his mind. With my past history with guys this also comes with another worry - does he just want a hookup, or does he actually want to date me?

On paper there's a decent size "con" list to what I know about him, things that if I didn't know the guy would cause me to never give him a chance. There's even some deal breakers - these don't change because of him, but I seem to be able to overlook them because of him. I learned from season one of Tough Love to not make lists and analyze perceived faults before allowing a guy the chance to get to know him; and this is what I will attempt to do.

Then last night my phone rang and there was his name, he opened with that he was thinking about me and that he hadn't heard from me (oops, I'm bad with phone etiquette especially when it comes to guys... I just cannot make the phone call early on). While I still don't know where his mind is at I'd like to think that it's looking good so far. Especially since we talked for two and a half hours without any real lag in the conversation. He makes me laugh and I find myself really wanting to see him again.

Unfortunately he lives an hour away so prior planning will need to happen to see him and the weather is not cooperating to pull a "I was in the neighborhood because I felt like a hike, want to join me?" move. So hopefully I'll be able to hang out with him very soon. I think we need a one-on-one hangout (I hate dates so I'm refusing the use the terminology) to see if there's anything there and to figure out where his head is at.

The bad thing is I've never been a patient person but I don't have a choice since I'm booked all next weekend and this Sunday is Father's Day which eats up time this weekend. So I will wait and try to not over think everything (and more importantly I will try not to daydream about the fairy tale ending that I want) and hope that we get to see each other soon.

"This time, I won't let my emotions rule my life. This time, I'm gonna keep my heart locked safe inside. This time..."

2009-06-09T20:48:00.006-04:00

Most aspects of life puzzle me, some amaze me, and still others show how truly ironic life can be. And while I cannot speak for others, my life seems to have a habit of throwing me curve balls before I've taken my stance at the plate. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am and other times I'm shocked that matters are not worse.

At the end of May I found myself in a position all too familiar to single women in their late 20s - of attending a wedding without a +1. Not only did I lack a date for the affair, but I also would be attending without my fellow single girls by my side to drink and dance the night away. While excited to go to the wedding, I knew that nothing points out being single more than going to a wedding alone. So I did what all single women do in my situation, we find the hottest dress we can, we make sure our makeup and hair are perfect, and we make sure to always have wine in our glass and a smile on our lips.

Yet I found myself part way through the reception with a constant dance partner in a completely unexpected form. Not only did he keep getting me out on the floor, but he brought me cake when I missed it. How could I not pause to think about a boy who brings me cake? Yet he's technically off limits due to girl-code, which gives me pause. It's not that I'm crushing on him, but more intrigued by him.

I do know that part of the reason why I'm intrigued is because while he's been friendly, he hasn't flirted nor made an advance and so I am at a loss as to whether he's interested in me or not. I hung out with him and a few others this past Saturday and it was comfortable and fun. He also called me less than 24-hours later (isn't that breaking the Bro Code of the three day rule?) and we talked for an hour. He professed to having a good time the night before and that he'd like to hang out again. But again no clear "he's interested" signals flashing.

Honestly I don't know what I think, there are many reasons why I hesitate, very good reasons for pushing him out of my mind as someone I shouldn't think twice about. And yet some of those very same reasons draw me towards the idea of him even more. Right now I'm just waiting for him to show one of the cards in his hand before I can begin to make up my own mind. Though because of Hoes over Bros I know that to go down this road it would have to be more than just a hook up which changes the way the game is played.

Only time will tell how this plays out, and while I'm not sure what I'm feeling I do know that I am excited at the prospect of seeing him again. And whether it's him or someone else, I do know that I am going to try with all of my power to keep my heart locked away and not let emotions rule how I act. As much as I hate dating, it's exactly what I want to do - what I need to do. I don't want to get stuck in the hanging out black hole that always leads to frustration and never a relationship. I'm tired of playing with boys, I want a man... a man who will step up and claim me as his own (for the time being, I'm not looking for a ring on my left hand any time in the near future).

I've never been good at the waiting game though... but I don't seem to have a choice in the matter in this case.

As for the ghost of hook-ups past: Mr. Tight-End is still on my mind, I wish that he was someone who could be more than what he is in my life. Yet he and I would never/could never date. It wouldn't work, which is just mean that the physical can be so amazing with him but I can't have it with the emotional. I'm still avoiding Benedick, I'm not ready to be friendly and pretend he hasn't been a complete ass just yet. If he would come clean without me having to say anything I might want to move forward as if nothing had happened; but until then he is essentially dead to me. Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me. In the theme of avoidance I haven't really talked to Casper since our date. I feel guilty about all of it but I can't help what gets me going and what doesn't. Most of the time I spent on Saturday with the guy from the wedding (nickname TBD), all I could think about was what it would be like for him to kiss me, wanting him to kiss me. On my date with Casper I was worried about that moment since I wasn't feeling the situation or him.

I've started to realize that all these boys makes it look like I'm a complete baller. But I can easily walk down the street overflowing with guys and they wouldn't notice me. Girls who get noticed and remembered get boyfriends plain and simple - for the most part I might as well be invisible with the lack of attention I seem to attract.

Just like Sleeping Beauty lies in wait for Philip to wake her with a kiss, I lie in wait for the man who will finally break my relationship curse. Will it be a ghost of hook-ups past, the guy from the wedding, or someone I have yet to meet? I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I do plan on being smarter from here on out and not repeating the mistakes I have made before. The man who breaks the curse will need to earn my trust, my love, my devotion and until he proves himself worthy I am determined to finally be my own best friend this time.

"So you can keep your belief in whatever. I'll wear my cynicism like a tattoo."

2009-05-28T21:59:00.004-04:00

So the great boy boycott of '08-'09 has ended, and while I would have put money on it being broken by Benedick he wasn't the boy who finally broke down the door. And what a breaking down it was! It's been weeks and I'm still grinning... and wondering why I didn't tell that boy to get his gorgeous behind to my apartment sooner. But more on that later, this story needs to play out in order.

After Benedick's status change he disappeared from my life, even days before those horrible three words he was chatting me up on AIM. But after, nothing - not that I have anything nice to say to him. Come hockey season we can talk sports again but we've never been friends so why start now? Then again, if he did want to be friends with me he should have stepped up and told me he was actually dating someone and more importantly that he got himself a girlfriend (I still hope she's hideous) as a common courtesy. Whatever, the world still hasn't stopped spinning after finally getting off that merry-go-round; and not in the good way.

Part of me feels like a toddler learning how to walk, I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other but all I end up doing is stubbing my toes and doing face plants. But I have decided that I need to put myself out there into situations where something could happen... which also means I have to start dating as much as I hate dates. There's nothing organic about the awkwardness of the first couple of dates with someone new. They're painful and I never end up being myself. I don't make good first impressions, I'm someone that will grow on you but I don't think I'm automatically loved. Like sushi you need to get used to the taste before you can truly enjoy the experience. Ok that sounds kind of naughty... but I guess on some level it still fits.

But here's where things get a little bit sticky and I think I stepped a tad too far over the slut line. But I know why I reacted the way I did so I don't regret my actions in the slightest. I went on a date with Casper, and he continued to be the shy, nice guy... and that's about when I hopped off the train. I have a slight issue with only wanting to be with the boys who don't want to date me and running away from the ones who show actual interest in me and not just getting me naked. Casper is awesome and unfortunately I don't know if I'm not into it because my defense mechanisms have kicked into high gear or if I'm actually just not that into him. But the fact of the matter is that I didn't want to rip his clothes off and for me, having that desire is at the top of my list when it comes to liking a guy. Sex and sexual attraction are very, very important to me... and after not having sex (or anything) for 13 months I should have been at a point where I had no standards but I just wasn't feeling it. And I still feel horrible that I don't because Casper is the type of guy I need in my life right now, but I can't lead him on after he's shown interest when I know I'd be going on a second date just to see if I'm being a complete commitment-phobe or not.

The following morning Mr. Tight-end IMs me and throws out that he should swing by on his way through town... and I found myself saying yes even though it made me feel slightly dirty knowing I had been on a date with Casper less than 24 hrs prior. But here's the thing about MTE - I know what I can and can't have with him, there's no drama, no second guessing and while it won't be a road that leads to a relationship I can still appreciate him for that. I'll admit I hadn't heard his voice in over two years and when he called to get directions I found myself jumping around my apartment and grinning like an idiot. And then seeing him at my door, actually there in person... I was smitten all over again. I couldn't have asked for a better way to break my boycott, or a better person to break it with. And oh my god I forgot how hot he is, his long lashes, cute school boy smile, and all the muscles.

If I could smush the shy, nice guy who wants to date me aspects of Casper into the body and sexual chemistry (and skill) of MTE I would be a very, very happy girl. Sadly life doesn't work that way... even worse is that my life seems to either offer me the boy who will be a good boyfriend and treat me well or the boy who my body craves the touch of but never both in the same body. Ah the trials and tribulations of being a single gal in her late 20s.

Me being the person I am my online status the following work day announced that the boycott was ending. And I'll admit I posted it to see if that would entice Benedick to make contact. It worked, he wished me congrats, then made a comment about the silence when I chose not to respond. He then made a second attempt the following day saying he just wanted to "catch up" but I said I was busy and signed off. A little childish but seriously, I'm not about to talk about my sex life with him. And how DARE he try and act like he's not a jerk and that nothing has happened that he needs to explain or apologize for. We're not cool nor will I feed into his masochistic needs to dig for details about who is seeing me naked. He had his chance to claim me, he chose not to and that's the end of that.

Oh, and one thing I don't get? A few weeks ago at a networking event my friend and I ended up chatting with this boy (he's 24, he's a baby) who was nice but who completely shocked me when upon excusing himself from the table, asked for my number. I gave him one of my personal business cards but in all honesty didn't even know if I wanted him to call me or not. Two days later he sent me an email (yes email not a phone call... that's a negative) and said it was nice meeting me and suggested meeting up sometime the following week. It took me a few days to respond since I don't check that account often but now it's been well over a week and no response. What's the point of asking for my number, emailing me suggesting we hang out and then just never making contact again? I understand the game of "can I get her #" but then you just never do anything about it or throw her card into a drought drawer you don't shoot her an email and then disappear. What gives?

I'm frustrated overall and at a loss as to how to fix things. Clearly I need to reassess what makes me tick and the types of boys that get me going or else I'll be single forever. Over dinner the other week one of my closest friends told me that with any of her other close friends she could be in a public place and easily pick out their type of guy, the one she knows they'd be making eyes at if they saw them but that I'm her only friend she can't do that for. And if one of my best friends doesn't know how to pick out a guy she'll know I'll like that obviously means that *I* don't know what kind of boy I like. I'm pushing 30 and I think I've finally figured out who I am, yet here I am living the life of a quasi hermit without any dates lined up for the foreseeable future and no clear solution in sight. If I can't find the attraction in a boy who wants to pursue a relationship with me I'll end up alone or settling (which is worse) so I truly need to get my act together and stop this nonsense of chasing after guys I can't have in the way I want.

Until I figure it out though I will continue to be the snarky girl in the corner wearing her cynicism like a tattoo daring the world to challenge her views on life, boys, and love.

"Are you willing to be had. Are you cool with just tonight?"

2009-04-19T21:56:00.002-04:00

So through the beauty of the internet that provides too much information with minimal effort, I discovered last night that Benedick is apparently now in a relationship. Quick look out your window you might see a pig flying by. I don't know what to make of the news, not to mention the fact that I despise the announcement on facebook when someone changes their status from "single" to "in a relationship". Really? Do y'all need to announce this to everyone on your friends list? I just feel like it's tacky - not to mention it can be evil to people on your friends list who might be caught unawares.

Let's rewind for a minute to February when Benedick was attempting to see me and spend the night - he ended up canceling at the last minute but now I'm beginning to think that the reason he gave may have not been the truthful one. Then there was the dinner wager that we both knew meant far more than just dinner in March. Not to mention our IM convos a few weeks ago where he played 20 questions with me trying to dig into my personal life to see if he was the last guy I'd been with. I can only assume now that all of this happened while he was dating a girl. If we go back to Jan of '08 Benedick was being all crazy when he figured out that I had been hanging out with another guy while flirting with him. Clearly it's okay for him to DATE someone while making plans with me (even if nothing has happened in over a year) but I'm supposed to be sitting on my couch patiently waiting for him to decide he wants to see me again? Hello douche-bag the nice guy society called and they want your membership back.

He's the type of guy I NEVER thought would be dating someone before me let alone announcing it to the world on facebook. I feel betrayed and humiliated. Personally I think that if he had started dating someone he should have told me. I guess I should be happy that thanks to that f-ing announcement on my facebook homepage I couldn't stop looking at last night I know the truth and can get off the messed up merry-go-round that is what this was between the two of us.

It's not that I want to be with him. It's the fact that of all people I never expected him to be dating someone while I'm going on 2 years without having been on a date. I wish him the best, I truly do, but part of me still feels like I'm the best girl for him and he's such a moron for not seeing it - even though he's not the right guy for me.

On the other hand, Mr. Tight-end was supposed to come over Friday night but we had to take a rain check. I know, I know... SUCH a bad idea but it's been over a year and I really am at a point where I want a real, adult relationship - which also means waiting before clothes come off. And for me to be able to accomplish that I need to have some prior play time with a boy so I can wait it out with a worthy dude. Will Mr. Tight-end and I play again? At this point in time it's all talk and no action, I'll believe it when he rings my doorbell.

Then there's Casper... who perhaps just might be one of those members of the male species that is quickly going extinct - a nice guy. On top of that I think he's a SHY nice guy (the rarest kind of all). Which means that all the rules I've played by don't work. This could be a very good thing but right now I don't know where he stands with me and I also don't know how I feel about him. I do know that I had a blast hanging out with him one on one and that there wasn't even a moment of awkwardness which has to say something. I need to hang out with him again to be able to get a better feel for the situation. I know that I could really like him - and that terrifies me a bit since Casper is not at all like the guys I normally go for. In the end that may be exactly what I need right now in my life.

Benedick's new status did send me into a tailspin of emotion last night. Like being battered by waves crashing onto a shore the only thought that kept running through my head was that it's become quite clear with my past that I am the girl guys want to sleep with but none of them want to date. Ignoring the fact that every girl knows if they sleep with a guy right away they are throwing out the chance of becoming the girlfriend... sometimes sex can lead to a relationship but generally it doesn't.

But overall what's the factor that moves a girl from the "I want to sleep with her" to the "I have to date her" category? 'Cause clearly I'm missing something. I'm in my late 20s and through partially my own reasons of deciding not to date I have managed to make it through life without ever being called a girlfriend. While I'm brutally hard on myself I've always thought of myself as someone who would make an amazing girlfriend. Yet the only guys who want to date me are ones I am neither mentally or physically attracted to. I refuse to settle just so I don't have to wake up alone in the morning.

So guys, what qualities factor in when you meet a girl and are deciding on if you want to marry, sleep with, or throw her off a cliff?

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

2009-03-22T22:14:00.000-04:00

In less than three weeks I will be spending a weekend visiting my past… at least a version of my past that is. During my public school years I stayed on the outskirts of the social circuit – I wasn’t completely invisible but I was often overlooked. My strongest memories of middle school and high school are filled with angst. I never wanted to be the center of attention but I wanted to be liked. So I helped the popular boys with their schoolwork, I let them cheat off of me on tests all in the attempt to be noticed. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I never learned the life lesson that only in made for TV movies does that work in getting the guy; in reality he’s just happy to have the power over a dork so he can spend his time having fun rather than hitting the books.

When I joined facebook I started looking for people I went to school with and found so many of them from my first high school. It took me a long time to start sending out the friend requests and even now there are those who I want to friend but haven’t yet. I moved at the end of quarter one of my sophomore year of high school – I was a brief blip on the high school radar and was easily forgotten. One day I was there, the next I was gone and by the end of sophomore year I was forgotten about. I was swallowed into the quicksand and life continued as if I had never been there in the first place.

Yet things were different for me – I pined to be back within those walls. Even now a decade after graduating from high school I still wonder how my life would have played out had I not moved. Who would I have developed friendships with, would I have dated anyone, where would I have gone to college, would I have found my calling in life? So many “what ifs?” running through my head that I will never be able to quiet. I know it’s something that I cannot go back in time and change so I need to stop wondering but I can’t help but feel that the train of my life went off the track the day I moved up to New Hampshire.

And now I’m about to embark on a weekend of reconnecting with people – some who I was never friends with when we were classmates or coworkers. I can’t help but feel a slight sense of panic about this – will they like the woman I have become? I have a thousand thoughts screaming through my head – this build up is so much worse than any first date ever could be.

I would love to be like Alice and fall down the rabbit hole back into my past to see what I was like over the years. How did my fellow classmates view me? What did they think about me? As self reflective as I am I’ll never be able to step outside of myself and see myself through other people’s eyes. I know what my friends tell me about myself but I’ve always wondered what people REALLY think about me – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Bottom line is that as the days between now and my road trip the greater my anxiety will become. I’m sure the weekend will be fun but I would love to come out of it with newfound friendships and a stronger connection with those who are part of where home is to me. And perhaps I’ll be able to pull a Sally Fields: “you like me! You really like me!”

I also hope to come out of the weekend with plenty of stories to blog about. Maybe you can go back home after all.

Well so much for that…

2009-02-21T00:23:00.003-05:00

After 10 months of holding firm to my boy boycott, I decided to finally break it. The plan was for Benedick to come over on Saturday night and while this was going to be good for me for the obvious reasons, it would also force me to clean my apartment. He’s been trying to get me to break my boycott since he learned of it back in August, though he stepped up his game this past week. My theory was that while I understood why I decided to give up boys there also comes a point where it’s just ridiculous to deprive myself of sex in hopes that in the mean time I’ll find my Lloyd Dobler and live happily ever after. This is reality not a rom-com movie after all.

Since I’m a procrastinator all I’ve managed to do this week up until today was do laundry so I left all the cleaning for tonight and Saturday before work (which was plenty of time so it wasn’t that big of a deal). Part of me is glad now that I didn’t break my back frantically cleaning my apartment all week since I learned today that Saturday got called off over a double booking of Benedick’s time. Like the group Betty said; "Well I guess I shaved my legs for nothing/ I never shoulda cleaned the tub or the sink/”. While the oversight in and of itself is reasonable I’m annoyed because this just further solidifies WHY I chose to swear off boys. Clearly Fate does not want me having sex – she and I are now fighting because that's just playing dirty.

I feel completely rejected and borderline humiliated that I got talked into the current position I am in. Here I’ve been all good and “no, no boys are allowed to see me naked until further notice” with Benedick and Sinatra regardless that I want to have sex with both of them (not at the same time, I have no interest in anything with more than one other person when it comes to grown up activities). And then I’m all “sure, ok!” making plans for him to come over when all he really did was ask at the right weak moment. It’s like that moment when you decide you want to have sex with someone for the first time and even if you are sure they want the same there’s still a sense of panic that they could turn you down. While this wouldn’t be the first time with him I’m still feeling hurt from the sting of rejection. Because in the end, I got rejected.

And now I’m at an impasse… with the cancellation of our plans tomorrow night my boycott isn’t broken and therefore is still going. Do I cast it aside since I had plans to break it or do I take this as a sign that I should be keeping it? The longer I go the more I begin to think that I’m going to have to find a way to change what attracts me to a guy or else I’m going to be living the same exact situations over and over again – none of them giving me the end result I want.

As with all aspects of my life irony is never far behind. Later this afternoon Mr. Tight-end IMed me completely out of the blue (I haven’t heard from him in months) and suggested that we get together. I told him that while I do think he’s hot and enjoyed our night together that last I knew he wasn’t single. He said that ended a long time ago and while that isn’t exactly saying he’s single it’s enough for me to seriously think about seeing him for a night. Hey, if he lied that’s on his head not mine. Besides it would be like a science experiment. Mr. Tight-end is the only guy who has successfully made my knees weak with a kiss, we had amazing physical chemistry – I’m curious if it would still be there. And the larger picture is that I’m worried that if I don’t have a hook up before I actually meet a guy I want to date, then I won’t be able to stop myself and will sleep with a guy I’m interested in being serious with too soon so he’ll see me as a hook up and not girlfriend material.

What’s a girl to do? Why do I feel guilty about having attractive men actively trying to sleep with me… and wanting to sleep with them? I don’t think that sleeping with any of them would make me a slut (and technically only Sinatra would be new so the other two don’t count). Until I figure out what I want to do I’m left licking my wounds from today’s disappointment waiting to see what Benedick says and deciding on if saying yes to Saturday was just a one shot deal or if I’ll say yes again. I guess only time will tell. I do miss having a warm body to curl up with though... and making out. I really miss making out. I feel like I should be the kid who got punished and has to write the same saying on the blackboard over and over again: I will keep my boycott going and not get naked with a boy...

Is the world truly split between the blondes and… everyone else?

2009-01-21T21:00:00.002-05:00

After spending a few hours on my couch watching various dating shows on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I came to realize that there really is a division between hair colors. At one of my last jobs I noticed that there was a solid territorial line drawn down the office between the blonde women and the “others”; and just like in war the sides did not play nicely together. But if there really is a separation, why does it always seem that women with red, black, and brunette hair wind up grouped together? In some cultures redheads were persecuted because they were/are believed to be evil. If anything, us redheads should be left grouped by ourselves flying our freak flags high and with pride. Yet it’s the blondes you are in their own category.

Thinking about this, I realized that none of my close friends are blondes but many of the women that I dislike are. It’s not that I steer clear of the tow headed population, some of my best friends throughout the years have been blondes, but perhaps not so ironically many where the friends who have done me wrong as well. I have no luck with boys of any color, shape, and size but again, the ones that were the worst to me were the blondes. Coincidence? I think not.

At work the other week I overheard a conversation between coworkers who were talking about what they thought people in our plants looked like based on their talks with them. One coworker mentioned to the other that one of the guys was a redhead. Coworker #2 responded with “I didn’t know that. He doesn’t sound like a redhead.” Now I know I have “strikes” against me for being an only child and for going to a Montessori school instead of preschool and kindergarten like most kids. Both usually bring a response of “that explains a lot” but I never thought about my hair color turning into one. What does a redhead sound like exactly? Can people tell just by talking to me on the phone that I’m a redhead and if so, what does that imply?

Perhaps it’s just because I am one, but I’ve always felt like being a redhead is like it’s own race that comes with it’s own unique beliefs and cultural misunderstandings. And from my love of people watching I don’t think that brunettes or blondes have the same experience. I’ve been asked before why I’ve never gone through a stage of wanting to dye my hair a different color and while it’s very un-pc I think of changing my hair color as earth shattering as an African American turning their skin white. My hair color is so deeply engrained into who I am that if I became a brunette or a blonde I would no longer be me. Whenever you lose part of yourself and your identity you rarely get it back. I refuse to tempt fate just to see what I would look like as something other than a redhead.

I guess that there has to be something that defines the type of person you become based on your natural hair color (or if you are someone who decides to change color and claim it’s real) or else there wouldn’t be blonde jokes or stereotypes about people with various hair colors. What do you think; does hair color truly define people? Is there a reason why blondes seem to always stick together excluding those of other hair color? Have I had one too many margaritas and really have no idea what I’m talking about?

A Look Back at the Last 365 Days and a Look Forward to the Next 364

2009-01-01T21:21:00.001-05:00

Taking down one calendar to put up the next forces people to reflect on what they lived through in the last 12 months and make promises about how they will live the next 12 in an effort to better their lives. Resolutions are made only to inevitably be broken over the next few weeks/months with an “eh, I gave it a try” mindset. It seems more important to make the resolution than to keep it – acceptance is the first step towards recovery.

Since I live way too much inside of my own mind I find myself in the week leading up to New Year’s Eve going over everything that has happened in the current year and wondering what I can change to make the next a better one. So here is my year in review (of course in list form since I’m obsessed with them):

* 2008 started off with a very harsh life lesson – being laid off from work. While I knew I didn’t have enough work to do in the position I was in, I honestly never thought that I would be let go. More so I never thought I would be let go in the manner that I was… by being asked to read about it on a piece of paper and then given the business version of the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. It was insulting and humiliating. I know it looks better for future employers that I was laid off, but pride wise I would have much rather been fired for not performing well because then I would have had a concrete reason and I could have walked away knowing what I did wrong and would have been able to learn from it.

* The ensuing months of being completely broke forced me to evaluate every penny that I spent. My already mentioned pride wouldn’t let me claim unemployment because I refused to let my former company know just how badly I was doing. Since I survived (thanks to my parents actually helping me out) I don’t see that decision as a bad one. In the long run not having a steady paycheck did change how I look at money. I find now that if I run to say Target, and I find something I like/want, I’ll wander around the store for a while instead of making a beeline to the register. Most of the time I decide that I don’t need to make the purchase and walk out the store empty handed but with my bank account untouched.

* Hitting the internet looking for a job is a very, very, frustrating and humiliating experience. I am not the only person I know who has been laid of this year from their jobs and all have run into the same troubles I have. For every 20 jobs you apply for you’ll be lucky to get 3 “thanks, but no thanks” generic responses. You’ll be extremely lucky if you get called in for an interview – but for the most part you’ll hear… nothing. The majority of the jobs posted also specifically say to not contact them; that they will call you if interested thus taking away the follow up email/phone call to establish contact after sending in your resume. It’s a brutal process that leaves emotional scars and with the failing economy it will only get worse. Forty years ago my father was 20 years old and lived in a world where you could get a good job with just a high school diploma. Now an undergraduate degree is the equivalent of a high school diploma from back then. Many jobs require either over 5 years of experience and/or a Master’s degree, making it almost impossible for the average person in their mid 20s to even get their foot in the door at most companies. So unless you have the right connections or you were lucky enough to have a specialized area of study you are screwed if you are looking for a job.

* January also brought a moment of realization after I put the pieces together and realized that a friend wanted to introduce me to one of her guy friends not because she thought we would hit it off, but because she knew I’d sleep with him. I guess that made her a great wingman for Goldberg, but it made me hate myself a little bit. While I don’t think there is anything wrong with casual sex there does come a point where enough is enough. I will make an amazing girlfriend to a guy and I deserve to have that chance.

* During this time I joined another online dating site, like the other times I started emailing a guy who looked like he might be cute in person. Our email banter was perfect and exciting so we decided to meet. Yeah, once again I wasn’t even remotely attracted to him. I’m beginning to realize that what gets me off mentally is very different from what gets me off physically and that I have yet to find a guy who embodies both qualities – maybe I never will?

* My summer was uneventful in the guy department, mainly because I just did not have the money to go out and I wasn’t going to meet someone on my couch. So of course to make myself feel better I joked about being in a boycott of boys. This boycott was solidified in August, when out of the blue Benedick started talking to me again and suggested we meet up (yes, after everything that went down the last time we met up about how he didn’t want a fwb situation, there he was asking for exactly that). I can’t help shake the feeling that if I did have him spend the night again that all I would be doing is telling the world that I’m a blowup doll to be used when needed and nothing more. And if that’s the case then Fate has no need to send me a guy worthy of becoming my boyfriend.

* Yet going on 9 months of this boycott is making me not even miss sex. Which scares the shit out of me. I should be pulling my hair out in frustrating (or reaching for my phone to contact anyone I can booty call). I think about it all the time but I don’t really miss any of the sex that I have had. However, recently I have started to breakdown and have stepped the flirting up a notch with Bachelor #2 that was mentioned in a previous blog. Let’s call him Sinatra. Too bad Sinatra isn’t a talker ‘cause I would love to know what it is about me that has kept him trying for so long – it has to be more than just the fact that I keep deflecting his advances without completely saying no. At this point I’m not worried about how the physical chemistry would be, but more that *I* won’t live up to whatever expectations/ideas he has built up in his imagination about how I’d be. It’s a lot of pressure and it freaks me out to the extent that I can’t decide if I should go through with inviting him over or not. It will inevitably change our friendship and will open up new questions (is it a one time deal, does it turn into something regular, etc) that I don’t know how to answer.

* After spending a few months in my current job position I have started to think about how it might be time for me to go to grad school. I think that I would enjoy, and make a great Academic Advisor at a college or university; but to do that most schools require years of experience or a master’s degree. Since I don’t have the experience that means I need the degree – more specifically to go to school for my M.Ed in Counseling. The courses look interesting, I think I would do well in it but what’s to say that a Master’s won’t be put to use just as much as my BA. If I go back to school, I cannot come out of it not working in a field that relates to it or I would just be throwing more time and money into an education that will not help me. I am closing in on 30 and I want a career that satisfies me, not just a job I go to for a paycheck. Until that time I’ll stay where I am and keep applying for jobs that sound more interesting than what I am currently doing paying down my debt until I reach a point where I could financially afford to go back to school… then I’ll decide if I truly want to go to grad school.

* Overall 2008 has been one tough life lesson after another all resulting in my current hermit status. I am so utterly lonely I can’t stand it, but I also feel like I have sunk so deep into my hobbit hole that I can’t find my way back out into the light. I go to work, and then I go to my other work. Sometimes I go to yoga. Then I come home, and sit on my couch wishing I was out living my life but depressed that I have no one to live it with. I should join a club but I don’t know what kind of club to join and highly doubt there are many options in my area. I can sum up this past year in one word: Lost. I have been so entirely lost and am still wandering in the woods looking for any trail at all but hopefully the one that will lead me in the right direction – all to no avail.

As for 2009? I refuse to make any resolutions as I know I will only wind up breaking them. I do however hope that the next 364 days will bring about at least a light bulb moment (or three or four) that will help me find my way. I do remain hopeful that it will be a better year than the last one. Maybe 2009 will be the year that I finally find love (either for a career or a boy), friends I actually spend time with, and a life outside of my apartment and away from my computer.

No matter what happens though, I will be blogging about it.

Things that remain unsaid

2008-11-22T18:19:00.003-05:00

I'll admit it - I'm a Grinch. If I had my way I would rock out on Halloween, go to bed, and wake up at the end of March skipping the months (and their respective holidays) in between. I'd like to believe that there was a time when I was still naive that I enjoyed the holidays like a normal person, playing Christmas music while I strung lights up excited to spend time with friends and family. The reality is that I cannot remember the last time that was.

This time of year is all about couples, family, and loved ones. Well my family is broken and now no matter what I do I end up hurting the feelings of one parent when I choose to spend a holiday or my birthday with the other. So I spent the last two Thanksgivings in my apartment alone. As far as couples go the boy boycott is still going strong because there has yet to be a man to test my barricade's strength - no knight asking for Rapunzel to lower her hair to be saved. That leaves loved ones - all of whom have their own significant others and families to spend their precious free time with. That leaves Red on the outside, still waiting in line to be picked to play dodge ball.

The dawning of a new year causes people to reflect on the past twelve months and to make resolutions to better their health, their minds, and their lives over the next twelve. At this time last year I had one more best friend than I do now and while I know the moment that started the change I don't know how a spat turned into just never talking again. She would always tell me about how I needed to not shy away from confrontation and how she never let things fall apart with a friend, that she talked things out. Which is why I never waved the white flag to try and right things... because if she could just walk away from me after being in the wrong then I must not have been as big a part of her life as I thought.

But does that make me in the wrong because I also chose to let the friendship slip between my fingers after all that we had shared together solely because of my wounded pride over being ditched when I was emotionally in need? Or is it just too late now to go back... or move forward together? Who knows, perhaps I don't ever cross her mind and she isn't sitting at home wondering why I don't call her; perhaps she's moved on and forgotten about me. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants my life is not.

I feel like everything has just changed so much in the past twelve months that I'm dizzy from how fast the room keeps spinning. Everything has changed since last November - nothing is the same nor will it ever be the same again. I miss my friends, all I do is work and go home while they are off living. I haven't had a camera worthy night in forever.

So here's to hoping that 2009 will be overflowing with memorable moments and filled with laughter and love... and a reason to lift the boy boycott.

I can have it if I wanted it...I think.

2008-10-22T20:05:00.004-04:00

So I'm 6 months in to my "no boys allowed" resolution. The only action I've had are innocent hugs hello/goodbye from my guy friends. While a dry spell is nothing new to me, (my longest being two years), this one is self imposed and that makes it all the more difficult to endure.

It could be all talk, but there are three guys who have been suggesting shenanigans with them. So far I've successfully deflected the question but it does make me wonder why. I'm a red-blooded American woman who enjoys sex and the feeling of a man's hands on my body - feelings that certain solo recreations cannot recreate in any tangible sense. So why not give in to the desire and jump into bed with one of them? The rub, and thus the hesitation, comes from the fact that I cannot help feel that I no longer have a toe over the line, that now it's a foot planted solidly on the wrong side of 'ladylike' - and that's something I am not comfortable with.

But 6 months is a long ass time to go without... anything, and my resolve is beginning to break down. So now I'm stuck in an inner battle that doesn't seem to have a 'right' and a 'wrong' side.

Part of the dilemma is easy to solve, after an entire summer of being as invisible as a ghost, Benedick suggested we meet up - and seems to forget that the last time we were at this crossroad he was the one saying he didn't want a friends with benefits situation. I know that I can't go down that road again solely because if I do I clearly have no self respect. I'm not a high maintenance girl but I'm also not a blow up doll you can stuff in a closet and forget about for months. In this day and age of massive technology overload there is no excuse for him not to keep even irregular contact with me between April when he last saw me, and September. I may not know a ton about boys but I am pretty sure that if a girl is on a guy's mind, even in the slightest capacity, he'll get in touch with her. And if I'm not on his mind until he needs to get his kicks, he's (to borrow the catch phrase that spawned a book and soon a movie) just not that in to me; and a guy who can stop thinking about me is a guy who doesn't deserve to see me naked... period.

Bachelor #2 comes across as a little cold on some levels, a player, but deep down he's a good guy - and in the moments that mattered since I've known him he's shown that he's got a good heart. He's been talking up his game for much longer than any guys should be strung along but I've never been able to decide what I think about him. I'm attracted to him but I feel like we didn't jump into bed soon enough, that it would only be awkward at this point. And I'll admit it, it feeds my ego to know that he and I have never done anything more than flirt and hug yet he's still, after way too long, showing interest. The longer my break from guys goes the more I think that perhaps I should let him step up to the plate. The catch is all it would be is another friends with benefits situation and while that's better than nothing and it would solve certain frustrations I have, it's not what I want.

Bachelor #3 is... hot. He's hot, he makes me hot, the chemistry (the weeks of flirting and especially the two occasions we got naked) between us was hot. Mr. Tight-end (and his body was tight) is a guy that is out of my league and even now it blows my mind that he wanted anything to do with me. But as with all too good to be true situations, Mr. Tight-end was/is a juggler who has a main ball but keeps more than one in the air with ease. Hearing him tell me I'm a good kisser, talk about the time we shared, to hear him suggest we have a little reunion, does more for my ego than I care to admit. He is the one man who literally made my knees weak with a kiss and that's a feeling I haven't had repeated. I've been flirting with him again lately, more for a personal ego boost than anything else. We've talked about having some fun but I can't tell if there's any seriousness behind the talk. Today he blatantly asked me if I wanted him and then told me to let him know if I decided I wanted to hook up again. Y'all know he still has a girlfriend, I know he's not a single man, yet on chemistry alone I'm toying with the idea. But like with Benedick I know that I am better than being the other woman who knowingly sleeps with a taken man... no matter how good we are together when clothes come off.

Yet it all boils down to the fact that if I so chose, I could be having sex. Isn't half the plight of a single girl the fact that she can't have some adult fun with an attractive man when she needs to without going down the sketchy road of going home with a stranger she met at a bar? Here's 3 guys I've known for years, aren't these roads better to travel than another unknown one? It's only a matter of time before the offers are off of the table and I'm trying like hell to talk myself out of taking any of them up on their offers while I can.

I can't help but hope that if I hold off, and don't embark on another friendly hookup, that I'll actually meet someone who wants to claim me as their own for mind, body, and soul. The dream doesn't make the dry spells any easier to survive though.

Then again, who knows if the bachelors are all talk and no action. This could all just be an allusion of sexual offers that none of them ever plan on following through with.

In the end, what's a single gal to do?

You Spin Me Right Round Baby, Right Round...

2008-10-06T22:48:00.002-04:00

There are moments in my life where I feel very much like Bridget Jones - a girl trying to be the media's vision of what is sexy - and falling pathetically short of it. Bridget wore skin tight clothing that wouldn't flatter a slim girl let alone a stocky one in the attempt to win the attention of her boss. In reality Bridget is perfect... just the way she is in the eyes of Mr. Darcy (how fitting of a last name to be paired with Colin Firth once again).

My skin tight clothing on a pudgy girl comes out as me trying to be the bombshell hot girl when I'm far more of a pre-lesbian Willow than a Buffy. I try to exude hotness, to be sexy as hell... but when it comes down to it I'm a shy, dorky gal. But I'll keep trying in the hopes that one day I'll be able to dance like a Burlesque girl; because then I'd have the mindset to know what kind of guy I wanted and the ability to get him.

This hope of becoming sexy caused me to sign up for a 4-week intro to pole dancing class. It's the art of pole dancing not the stripperfied version. Class one I did okay and had fun, I even came home thinking I had seen a peak of the sex goddess within me. Tonight was a totally different story... I am sore, I am bruised, and I am frustrated with how I looked anything but sexy attempting to move my hips to the beat. I also failed at nailing the spin... and I have a ton of bruises on the insides of my legs to prove it. I looked out of place.... a fat girl in skinny girl's clothing and I had to thin, where is the fun in that?

Maybe it'll come together more in my third class, maybe I'll wake up and know that I have become the pole queen. Or maybe I'll wake up and realize that I need to embrace the bookworm girl next door qualities that I do possess and leave the sexy stuff to the girls who have the skills and the looks to pull it off.

Though my guy friends seem to all be very interested with the idea that I am taking on pole dancing and many have offered to give me their feedback. What is it with guys becoming horn balls over a woman who is comfortable enough with herself to pushing into the uncomfortable of dabbling in stripping/pole dancing for their own pleasure knowing full well they never would do it in front of a crowd?

Since it's 12:30 and my alarm is going off at 6am and I have yet to be able to sleep more than 2 hours a night for a week, I shall leave my thoughts incomplete and sign off.

Any bets on how bruised my legs will look come morning?

I Miss My Home

2008-10-04T21:36:00.002-04:00

She is there waiting patiently;
I close my eyes and see her
Visions of vibrant green and crumbling stone.

There is an unshakable comfortable solitude within her arms.
The arms of a mother who has watched tragedy upon tragedy;
She has watched her children leave her for myths and tall tales.
Have you seen the streets paved of gold?

But she is patient as all mothers are with their children,
She knows they will return to her one day.
I made the trek once and found solace,
For a foreign place it felt unbelievably familiar.

I walked through the Burren that was so out of place;
It felt alien, unsettling, and fascinating.
"Don't step on a crack or you'll break your mother's back!"
A childhood rhyme brought to life at least somewhat.
"Watch your step on the cracks, you may fall through!"
We were cautioned as we wandered amongst the Giant's bed.

I walked the footsteps of my ancestors wondering about them.
Were they warriors or scholars?
Please tell me they were not cowards!
Were the men noble, but more importantly were the women defiant?
Fiery redheads determined to live their own lives regardless of rules.
Are they proud to count me as a kinswoman?

I walked among the stones, the remains of strongholds of old.
Within those ruins I could have spent a lifetime dreaming,
What stories do those stones hold?
I'm sure they are tales that would excite and terrify.
Tales of magic, greed, bloodlust, love.
Where did the little people go? Perhaps they are just laying in wait.
Yes, they are waiting for the right moment to appear again.

I walked through the Highlands and closed my eyes.
They are there, the ghosts of my clan.
Looking at the Crying Hills did they feel the same as I?
The tenseness of betrayal still echoes there.
It is a betrayal of clan custom just as dangerous to history
As Judas and Brutus were.

They are sisters really, the thistle and the shamrock.
Two Celtic women with histories so intertwined.
The Scots and the Irish have spent centuries fighting.
Yet I am equal parts a Scotswoman and an Irishwoman.
My loyalty is to both fair countries: I am of their soils.
I march to the beat of my own drum, a Bodhran: a Celtic heartbeat.

I belong with them, my two mothers.
I felt far more at home, at rest, there than I have here.
Does that make me less of an American?
No, for my bloodlines are older and deeper than America.
They are calling me, beckoning for my return.

I miss my home.
Yet I will return, of that I am sure.
And they will welcome me, a wayward daughter
Who has found her way back to her stoop
Yearning for the comforting blaze of the fire inside.
There I will finally be at peace.

~written in 2007

As The World Falls Down

2008-09-27T17:31:00.005-04:00

Do you ever reach a point in your life where you feel like you are running your ass off on the hamster wheel but still watch everyone pass you by? That's how I feel right now... and it's annoying as hell.

I'm not in the dark, deep, depressed state that I get into every once in awhile on a rainy day; but I do feel like a toy train that has slipped its track while its wheels still turn and turn... and turn. I know that everyone gets into ruts and that sooner or later most people manage to crawl their way out of them but this is way more than just your typical rut, this is the mother load of them all, this is a meaning of life rut.

While no Rhodes Scholar, I know that I am an intelligent, well educated woman who possesses a certain girl-next-door charm. In high school I dreamed of becoming someone and had a ten year plan sketched out in my mind, I had a purpose, a goal. I wanted to leave my own mark on this planet and change the lives of countless people; I was just missing the small detail of how to accomplish this - and that's what I figured college was about. Then college happened and I was left in my dorm room watching other women head off to parties at the local coed schools and wondering how I ended up being such an outcast. Not to mention that MoHo made me feel like a backwoods (un)educated idiotic redneck... a feeling I had not felt prior to my first semester of college and one I did not enjoy.

So I ran, or at least tried to. Fast forward 4 years and two more colleges and I finally had my BA... and was even more lost than I was when I started my path towards a secondary education. I keep wondering now where I went wrong while also cursing fate that it would provide me with the love of literature and the idea of being a writer but none of the talent needed to achieve it. Which is fine, but it would be nice to have the slightest inkling about what my role during my short time on this earth is supposed to be. So far my 27 years have not amounted to much: no career, minimal friendships with people I rarely see, no great love - just a mountain worth of debt and a lonely existence in my one bedroom apartment where I hold a very strong love affair with my DVR.

Yet the more I reflect on where I came from the more I realize that I have ALWAYS been lost and an outcast and not in the black sheep misunderstood angst ridden teen way. My social outcast issues are far more serious because they fall under the blanket of that the vast majority of people I meet do not want to spend time with me. While I value the close friendships I do have odds are if you called me on a Friday night you'll find me at home in my pjs watching TV because no one called to ask me to go anywhere. And if I cannot develop a social circle how the hell am I supposed to network in the business world? I can't sell something that no one wants to buy into even on a casual level. This coming June I will have been out of high school for 10 years... and that plan I had back then? The only part I have accomplished is living on my own. 17 year old me thought I would be married with a great career and planning for a first child by the time I was 27. I have failed my teenage self... and that's such a painful feeling.

Over the summer I told a friend that I was taking a break from the game (of boys) because I kept making bad decisions. He told me that I could tell myself all I wanted that that was why things weren't working out as planned but my real reason for taking a time out was because I had lost my confidence and that I needed to get it back. How can you get something back that you never had in the first place? Every time I jump in to bed with someone I climb out of it less sure of myself. But when I take a step out of the circle instead of being left unsure I'm just left being lonely with pent up sexual frustrations. Maybe my confidence has suffered a staggering blow but there's no one around telling me how amazing I am to help speed the healing process along so at this rate nothing will ever change.

Every day I crave the lives others live, wishing I could be even just a small percentage like them, however, being left on the outside for so many years can only breed discontent. I hate those who have a happy, fulfilled life that they share with a partner. I envy those with big enough balls to shrug off the repressions of modern society to walk to the beat of their own drummer on a quest to develop a deeper understanding of who they are and what their role is.

I'm beginning to think that I really need to start talking to someone, a professional, who can help me dust off the muck that has gathered on me to reveal the diamond that is inside. But something far greater than the lack of insurance and money to cover the years of therapy I'd need is keeping me from starting to do some research on finding a psychologist that will fit my needs - and that's body freezing, breath stopping fear of what that person might uncover in my psyche. What if it's determined that I'm a hopeless case? That all I can expect from life is what I'm getting right now, that I'm not cut out to join in the dance and must find a way to content myself with my role of being on the sidelines for as long as my heart keeps on beating. If that's my role I don't know if I want to continue, maybe it would be for the greater good for me to, as Shakespeare put it, "shuffle off this mortal coil".

Perhaps Christopher McCandless had the right idea all along and he should not be mourned with sad comments about him starving to death alone in the wilderness of Alaska or ridiculed about how idiotic he was to think he could survive without the basics for survival or the knowledge of the area. Perhaps he should be praised for the urge to shrug off all that is comforting and familiar to trek out and discover who he truly was as a person. Then again maybe it was just a romantic nature based suicide plot and instead of soul searching McCandless was running from having to face his own fears about life; in the end only he knows why he went off into the wild and returned in a body bag. It must have been a beautiful backdrop to have your last visions of though.

Running away and ending things seems such an easy solution when the world is falling down around you...

The Ugly Duckling

2008-08-29T18:15:00.002-04:00

So I have a re-occurring fantasy/dream that has been happening on a greater frequency lately. The faces change but the plot is always the same. I meet up with or run in to a guy who I went to school with who was one of the less popular members of the student body. And they were more than just unpopular, they were the misunderstood "geek", who survived high school by being close to invisible.

But time has been good to them, while still a geek they have grown in to the hot geek who now lives a fun life, has a great job, and is no longer invisible. Since it's my dream, we of course hit it off and have a happily ever after fitting for any fairy tale ending.

I know that part of this dream is because I was one of those semi-invisible people in school, the awkward gal who got shy around guys and who had yet to grow in to their body. I'd like to believe that I've come in to my own and am now an attractive, intelligent woman. As for the male aspect to my dream I'm left wondering if it's my subconscious yelling at me about the guys I didn't give the time of day to when I was younger and how I blew my chance.

It's the ultimate story... The Ugly Duckling. A person who feels on the outside when they are young, knowing deep down that they are not like everyone else but are at a loss about how to change that. As they grow they come to realize that they AREN'T like everyone else - but that that's a great thing. The ugly duckling grows up to be a gorgeous swan - it's what every duckling hopes for in the end. Not necessarily to become model gorgeous, but that given time they will find their niche in the world.

Perhaps it's time for me to start getting in touch with those boys from school and see if they've come in to their own. Perhaps it's not about finding my prince charming, but rather, that I need to find my ugly duckling.

After all, in the end looks wither away but if one is lucky, the mind stays strong and vibrant. I'd rather have someone with an "attractive" mind than the model body.

Another Chapter in a Luckless Dating Diary

2008-08-17T13:08:00.004-04:00

After my last encounter with Benedick, I decided that it would be best to start a few Spring resolutions to stick to.

1. No repeats... those who have seen me naked in the past will just have to rely on their memories from now on because I will not be going down the same road twice.

2. No sex... period. Like any bad habit that needs breaking a certain level of dedication is required. I haven't been with a decent guy in.... ever. Sorry boys, but it's true - none of you cared about me any further than the need to get in my pants. Which is rude, but truth be told... I wasn't really that in to any of you either. So until I can change my fishing skills I'll be throwing back the scrawny fish biding my time until I reel in the perfect catch.

3. Coming to terms with the fact that it's OK to be picky. There's a reason why people are selective and as long as it's all within reason, being picky is nothing other than a good thing. I've been ragged on by friends before over the fact that I rule out guys who are shorter than 5'8", saying that I am being too selective and am passing up the right guy for me. But how is that a bad thing? Because I'm only 5' means that I was dealt the short guy card? I think not. I'm an independent woman but at the end of the day I want a guy who I can feel safe with and a guy close to my height just doesn't do that for me. Besides in the long term picture I want kids so one side of the gene pool better have some height so I don't have any midget kids.

4. Taking an off season from dating. While I wouldn't pass up a date with a guy I could be interested in I am not going to search high and low for said guy. If it happens, it happens but I'm done painstakingly picking out the perfect outfit every time I'm in public just in case there are cute guys around.

So far, so good. Though I'll be honest and say that I haven't had any opportunities to truly test the strength of my resolutions either. That being said, I still do, and always will, flirt. This is where Mime comes in - nicknamed such because he is all smiles and stares but is silent.

It all started out well enough, we noticed each other, he'd ogle and smile but would hardly say anything to me. As time progressed it became more frustrating that nothing was happening yet Mime always seemed happy to see me cracking a huge grin and not bothering to hide the fact that he kept looking at me. The few short conversations we had he didn't seem nervous so I couldn't chalk up the lack of behavior to him being shy.

Yet my gut told me that he, if not interested in a relationship, was at least attracted to me. Ask any woman what they think about a guy's intentions when they find a woman attractive and they'll all answer: "to get in her pants". And here Mime was seeming to be interested in me and not trying to get into my pants. Every encounter left me further confused... and questioning the intelligence of my gut instinct.

Aside from actually throwing myself on to him (and I mean that in the very literal sense) I did everything I thought that would flash the green light. I made sure to always look good when seeing him, I'd be all flirty smiles, I'd make sure to separate myself from others to provide him the opportunities to approach. Still, nothing other than smiles and ogling.

After 3 months Mime finally dropped a compliment, saying that I looked good coupling that with asking if I had a date later in the evening. Shocking! Yet that's all that ever happened. But I saw it as progress and figured I'd capitalize on it. After conferring with a few guy friends of mine to make sure my actions wouldn't be crossing the line of "confident flirt" into the realm of "crazy chick", I friended Mime online and dropped a very casual and breezy drink invite. Friend request was accepted, message was read, and..... that's it. Ok fine, perhaps in guy land my message wasn't viewed as needing a response other than in person.

I saw Mime the other night for the first time since I sent the message. I got the same big smile greeting. But no mention of my message. I then learned that it would be the last time I would see him as he was leaving NH on Monday. Too bad, but it happens. He was distracted, he barely talked to me. In the situation I totally understood. At the end of the night I very obviously lingered around waiting to say goodbye to Mime. It took awhile and he motioned to walk totally by me without saying anything. Again, how rude! I spoke up, said goodbye, wished him luck, and initiated the hug. The final words spoken by Mime? Telling me that if I found myself in the city he's in next to hit him up online. And then he left with nothing other than a smile.

So what gives? I make it easy for him, I lay the groundwork, all he has to do is say yes and show up... and yet... nothing happened. I'd rather think that he was completely and utterly intimidated by my beauty and charm than that I was totally off the mark in thinking that he was attracted to me.

In the end I guess I'll never know... and that is the most frustrating part of all.

You Are How You Camped

2008-07-15T11:45:00.003-04:00

It's that time of year again, the time of year when children are packed up and shipped off to summer camp. Being the only child that I was, for whatever reason I was not subjected to the trials of being separated from my parents at a young age for months at a time. I did a few week long day camps over the years but nothing more than that.

However I believe I made up for it in the end after spending two summers working on a dude ranch that was a healthy mix of the movie, City Slickers, and the tv show, Hey Dude (with a little Real World minus the camera crew thrown in).

That being said, summer camp experiences and how you handled them as a child, set you up for the type of person you are going to be when you stop going to camp and school and start growing up. Right? Are you, in face, how you camped?

I cam across this article today and had to share. Not only is the subject matter amusing and thought provoking, but the writer's (Timothy Noah) got skills. I was cracking up. So sit back, relax, and enjoy: You Are How You Camped.

And feel free to share camp stories of your own, they may say more about who you are today than you think.

The Power of a Stranger's Kindness

2008-07-11T13:16:00.001-04:00

This story truly brought tears to my eyes. Talk about fate.

It'll make me think the next time I see someone struggling in a task I could help them with instead of just driving by.

After all, life is about paying it forward.

I'll blog more on this later, but wanted to at least get the link to the article up before I went about my busy day totally forgetting about a story that touched my heart for the few minutes it took me to read it.

Big Brother's Watchful Eye

2008-07-03T21:05:00.002-04:00

Just happened upon this article. While I know everything we do online is tracked, and that there's no such thing as privacy on the internet, this still disturbs me.

Usage of YouTube will be tracked.

Wisdom Within Naivety

2008-06-30T14:41:00.003-04:00

I drive by your old apartment from time to time.
Manchester seemed so foreign to me then, the scary big city.
Now I realize just how small it truly is.

I was pure, untouched, and tired of being completely innocent.
You had a thing for girls like me, enjoyed showing us how.
Originally I said that I was waiting to be in love.
Good thing I cast my morals aside since love is still alluding me.

You were someone I convinced my young mind that I liked.
The truth was that I used you as much as you used me.
I may have been naive but I recognized the opportunity and seized it.

And why not? It made things far less confusing when no emotions were involved.
Yours was a willing body to use, mine fulfilled your interests as well.
Be it good or bad, it was nothing more.

Yet I drive by your old apartment and wonder if I was wise or naive with you.
Did I determine my future encounters with boys by giving it up so easily to you?
Would things have been different if I waited?

No regrets; a motto I try to live by.
It still hurts that I can run in to you years later and you barely can acknowledge me.
I drive by your old apartment from time to time
And wonder how things would have turned out had I said no.

Hope You Can Swim

2008-06-24T22:19:00.003-04:00

Just like racial slurs and jokes are more acceptable when used by someone of that race/religion/stereotype I believe that since I am a klutz I can laugh at other people's non-graceful moments without being a bad person.

This brings me to one of my favorite shows. It's not one to make it on my DVR record list, but when I'm feeling down or in need of a side splitting laugh I'll put it on. The show is non other than MXC. While the dubbed commentary is priceless what makes the show for me are the actual contestants and the obstacles that cause them to fall in grotesque ways.

And now there is an American version that premiered on ABC tonight. While not as clever as MXC and clearly a rip off of it, I can see Wipeout becoming a favorite of mine.

Seeing people compete for money in ridiculous stunts (hello trying to run over large rolling foam logs or jumping on big red bouncy balls over a body of water, yeah that's normal) is physical comedy at its best. Love it! Shit like this makes me laugh until I cry - and that's one of the best feelings in the world.

As I type I'm watching I Survived A Japanese Game Show, I have high hopes for this show as well. Though 10 min in the contestants are already bugging me. Once they get to the game show part of it I think it'll be better. Come on grown men dressed as babies spinning around in circles? Priceless.

American game shows should have had contests like this years ago... sure the 80s American Gladiators kicked serious ass, still does, but that's for athletes and rarely made me laugh. Bring on the Japanese inspired game shows! Because after all, isn't laughter the best medicine?

Single and Fabulous_ [punctuation debatable]

2008-06-23T22:33:00.003-04:00

While I may be very biased, I truly believe that my female friends and I are a bunch of gorgeous, intelligent women who just happen to be single. But as the years progress and we're still single I can't help but wonder... are we "single and fabulous!" or "single and fabulous?" That one little mark of punctuation speaks volumes.

I know a boy who never had any game, overall he's not a catch, and in fact on many occasions I felt the urge to knee him in the crotch as he invaded my personal space one too many times to make stupid comments. Yet he's been dating a woman (as equally not a catch as him) for over a year now. They seem happy - great for them; but as I looked at photos of them posted happily on his myspace I had to wonder, where's the fairness in that?

Why am I ('cause let's face it, I'm an only child so my plight is far more dire and important than those of my friends) and my friends unable to find decent men? Sure I'm picky, but over things I truly don't think should rule out all available men.

How is it possible that the non-catches are able to become a couple with their perfect match while the single and fabulous women I know are left without even a Friday night date?

Perhaps delving into the Pandora's box that is that question requires a large bottle of wine, dim lighting, and Joni Mitchell.

A Little Bit of City and a Whole Lot of Sex

2008-06-01T19:29:00.003-04:00

I began watching Sex and the City long after the series ended, and even then was confined to the edited episodes on basic cable. This doesn't mean that I did not feel a profound connection with the characters. Most episodes left me with the yearning to write for more than just my own personal enjoyment; to be my own version of a Carrie Bradshaw.

In every woman there is a little bit of each of the S&TC girls in them and in the end all we can hope for is to be lucky enough to have friendships like theirs. Sure, I have close friends... but I don't have a core group like those four women. Forging friendships in your twenties is tough. You are out of the social heaven that is college, and odds are you are younger than many of your coworkers. Like Carrie said in the movie, your twenties are your time to test your wings and make mistakes. Personally, I have done a lot of growing up the last couple of years... but I have a lot more growing to still do before I will be content with who I am as a person.

The movie was perfect exactly how it was. I laughed, I cried, I was shocked and angry, happy and sad. It also made me reflect on my life so far. I also thought that it was ironically fitting that my run to Target post-movie ended up with me buying a pair of shoes that I hadn't planned on. After all, the two L's are what every young woman is looking for: Labels and Love. I have control over the first, I can seek out the stores to shop in, buy the products I want. Love is a far more fickle beast that changes over time. Love in high school is different from love in college. Love post-college is another beast as well. Some people get married, some have children, others sleep around racking up the notches on their bed post, while others still end up in love purgatory. A place where your intentions are true but you set yourself up for failure with your executions.

At the end of the day though, it's no longer about being with the hottest guy/girl in the city; but about being with the one who can make you laugh... well and a great pair of shoes.

The female version of Chuck?

2008-05-26T19:38:00.003-04:00

Granted, I've never actually seen the movie. But the premise of Good Luck Chuck, is a man who somehow has the luck of being the last guy a girl sleeps with before she finds "the one". The catch is, that he isn't "the one" for any of them.

A friend of mine once commented how I have a true talent in pushing guys in to serious relationships.... with other women. Does that in some way make me a Yenta? Not that I introduce the guys to the women they are currently with, but perhaps they wouldn't have chose them had they not been with me first. Maybe I should start charging for this service... wait, money in exchange for sex would make me a hooker. Somehow I don't see a Pretty Woman ending should I go down that road.

Logical minds would say that this is all just a coincidence, that my only role in the equation is my exit. That they could have easily have found their current girl any time after sleeping with any other girl. But I have my doubts and when has anyone known me to be truly logical.

Case in point:

The First... he married the girl after me. I think they are divorced now but that has all to do with his true character of being a cheater than anything else.

The Cowboy... after I left for Europe he began a serious relationship with another staff member that carried over at least to the next summer.

Another has bought a house with his current girlfriend, which I can assume will lead to marriage.

Mr. Dishonesty is living with his current girlfriend and their wedding announcement was featured in a good friend's nightmare that could turn in to reality.

And now, The Wanderer is in love... though I'm guessing he has been for awhile. I wish him nothing but the best. But that at least puts a possible sequel to the weekend we had on hold. And causes me to be embarrassed over an email I sent out while giggly off wine. Does that mean Benedick is next? (Maybe he already has someone seeing as how he's gone totally MIA from my life).

It makes me have to question what it is about me or maybe more appropriate, about being with me that allows these guys to walk away from me to find the women they want to be with. While I will readily admit that none of them are my "one", I'm generally left confused as to the choice they made. Thanks to myspace I have photo confirmation that at least looks wise none of them traded up. I'm no Jessica Alba, but I think I have the upper-hand when it comes to attractiveness on most of them. And since most days I don't like looking at my own reflection that comment is totally not said in any conceited manner. If they had traded up, well then good for them... but if they didn't? I can't reason out why they would prefer to be with someone mediocre rather than me. Sure I'm neurotic, stubborn, emotional, and a little crazy - but that just means I'll keep things interesting.

The fact of the matter is that I don't want to be with any of them either - and I guarantee my feelings of not wanting to be with them are far stronger than their feelings towards me. Yet they left me to find someone else while I stay single... at least until the next guy comes along who I can help with finding the girl they truly want to be with. It's a little bit ironic, don't you think? If it happened once, OK. Twice, that's an odd coincidence, but to have 4 guys I got to know intimately move on to become completely serious with the girl right after me? That's more than a coincidence. And since I rarely keep in touch with guys I've slept with, there could be more than 4 of them with their right after Red girl. (And this is the closest I will also get to announcing my number on a public forum).

All of this has reaffirmed my current choice of being celibate. Sure George Michael once sang that "sex is natural, sex is good." But I'm done with serving a purpose only to be cast aside. Sex for sex's sake is vacant and of no interest to me. I'm holding out for the za za zoo.

I was told once by one of them how amazed they were that I could be so frank and honest with myself about my faults. That I had a distinct ability to reflect on who I am in a disengaged sort of way. At the time I took it as a compliment... but maybe it wasn't. The thing is, a lot of my faults I like to think of as quirks. They are also aspects of my personality that I cannot change as much as I would love to. I will always be a blusher, and I will always cry easily. I may have faults, but at least I am honest about who I am to those in my life, which is better than the majority of people can say.

But that's a tangent best saved for another rainy day.

The Road Less Travelled...

2008-05-12T20:43:00.003-04:00

With gas prices skyrocketing, most people travel from point A to point B the shortest/fastest way possible with no details. Generally I would agree, however I have a wanderers soul that takes over every once in awhile. That happened today while on my way to Mom's.

I decided to pick up the highway a different way than normal, which turned out to not work since it put me on to 101 instead of 93N. I detoured but wasn't paying attention and ended up missing my chance to get on 93, but saw a bunch of trucks going straight and figured where trucks go there is generally another route to the highway.

My detour took me on the 28 bypass, the compass in my car told me I was heading North so even though I didn't know where I was, I knew I was going the right direction since Concord is North of Manchester. After awhile I started to see signs pointing me towards Concord - yay me!

The best part of taking new routes is that you of course, see new sites. I went through some very run down areas of NH with house after house falling apart around those living in them. I also saw some amazingly kept up antique houses that I would kill to see the inside of - a "if these walls could only talk" moment.

I always think of myself as someone who has no sense of direction, but when I wind up in situations like the one today, I end up getting to where I am supposed to be. I guess I don't give myself enough credit.

My impromptu road trip made realize how much I miss the open road. Some day I will drive fully across country and back. There's so much Americana to see off the beaten path, so many roads that have stories to tell... and sooner or later I'll see all of it.

Little Miss Obsessive

2008-04-28T17:23:00.003-04:00

A lot of things have happened this month, I've had a handful of "I should blog about this!" moments that I never seem to have the ability to actually do so once I sit down to write. Rainy days off make me reflective so I thought I would sit down, catch up on some TV while I'm at it, and put together a summary of end of the month thoughts. There will be no rhyme or reason to them, no pecking order, just things that have been mulling over in my mind as of late.

~ Lost is back on yay! Let the mind-fuck continue. I have a growing crush on Daniel Faraday (played by Jeremy Davies). Daniel's (yes, the character) the type of guy you'd see at a bar but not notice, until he gathers up the courage to talk to you and then his brilliance and social awkwardness make you start to be smitten.

~ Grey's Anatomy is now also back on but I can't get in to this season, the show has lost it's charm and that's sad. I still say I'm pulling an Izzie though when I bake to de-stress.

~ I've actually been reading more, thank you temp jobs that give you no work other than "answer the phone when it rings" (and is rarely does. I missed books, I missed curling up with a mug of chai, wrapping myself in a blanket and losing myself in another world. I wish I could be a writer, but sadly it is a talent you either possess or don't, and while I'm not shite, I'm also not brilliant.

~ I love the way the Brits say things. Even ignoring the accent, instead of saying something is amazing they'll say it's brilliant. It sounds so much better. This is brought back to the surface because of The Bachelor: London Calling - he keeps saying things are brilliant, and that he's gutted. I eat it up - doesn't hurt that he's hot and funny and interesting. I wonder how far I'd make it if I was on the Bachelor. While I'm lonely, have I reached that point where I need to try reality dating shows? I could see myself as the Bachelorette, but would totally need the help of some of my "peeps" to help me through the process of choosing a guy that would be right for me.

~ States should not be allowed to do construction on the highways during daylight hours... period. My 12 mile commute home takes way too long because traffic is backed up. It's annoying and makes my road rage temper flare. Why can't they do the work needed on the highways when less cars are on the road? Pay a little extra and save people the hassle of another factor in making a person's drive horrible.

~ I don't care what people say, Walking with the Dinosaurs is kick ass. I loved being able to see it, and I am blown away by the technology used to make them. Yeah ok you could see the people's legs or the larger dinos were on platforms, but that aside, they looked REAL. If I had kids I totally would have taken them.

~ I miss working for a sports team. I feel like I was part of a well fraternity and then got kicked out so now I'm looking at it from the outside. I don't think I'd ever actually go back to working for a team, but I miss being a part of the entertainment industry. I also miss the neediness of season ticket holders because I felt like I mattered. That being said, I'm loving watching the run for the Stanley Cup, the match ups have been great so far and I cannot wait to see how they play out. Instead of backing a certain team (since mine has hit the links) I've decided to just hope for a great final series. I want a great battle for the cup, something to end the season on a high note and make the time between now and Oct not drag on.

~ For one small person I certainly produce a lot of dirty clothes, I feel like I'm always doing laundry. I hate folding clothes and putting them away. Almost as much as I hate doing dishes.

~ Why are all the shows I watch no on Monday nights? Seriously 50% of the shows on my DVR season recording setting are now on Mondays. Which means I have to miss some of them. It also means I can't watch hockey tonight.

~ I'm starting to become an Ashlee Simpson fan. Her song, "Little Miss Obsessive" is on the top of my current play list.

"Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, I'm not desperate.
Oh, a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it."
On that note, I met a boy at a bar a couple weeks ago and gave him my number. But I'm judging a book by its cover and I feel like I'm not going to even give him a chance. I know I should, but I want the fairy tale unrealistic love at first sight. No nickname for him yet since who knows if he'll actually walk in to the picture or not.

~ I feel like 2008 is going to be my growing up year. I've been doing a lot of growing up lately.

A Snapshot of Me

2008-04-24T00:56:00.004-04:00

So work has asked each employee to come up with 40 songs to be put on the company iPod to be played during the day. Sounds easy right? Ha! I feel like it is almost impossible to sum myself up in under 40 songs. But that the task calls for just that... what is on my playlist will play like a online dating website bio. People are going to judge me by the songs I list... or scratch their head not recognizing the names on my playlist.

I've barely touched my music collection and I'm well over the 40 spots I'm alloted. (Though I guarantee you I'll be sneaking in more songs than 40). It's tough, one because my choices need to be appropriate and appealing to more than just myself. Because of this I have decided to go the route of lesser known musicians that need some love. I have 5 local artists on my list that I bet no one has heard of unless you've had to listen to me gush about them.

There will be some hits ("Ain't no Sunshine" 'cause I love me some Bill Withers... Nason shush, I know, I know, me and my "depressing" music). :-) But for the most part I'm trying to fill my list with new music to the salon. Since I also have to make sure there's no inappropriate language in the song I've ended up listening to a lot of them from start to finish. Now it's a little past 1 in the morning and I have a 12 hour work day ahead of me tomorrow. Oops. Getting back in to this whole working full time schedule is rough after not being exposed to it for so long.

Any song suggestions of what you would like to listen to while getting your hair done?

Ring of Fire

2008-04-22T23:00:00.002-04:00

Perhaps it is because I have never experienced the excitement of a championship win, though Buffalo has been close in the past. Or maybe my status as a true hockey fan should be questioned because I am fairly certain that when the Sabres hoist the Cup (yes I said when, it'll happen) I will feel no urge to light a car on fire.

I get that the city gets excited and generally those celebrating in the streets were drinking beers throughout the game so their ability to make smart choices is throughly impaired. But seriously? What does breaking store windows, starting fires, tipping cars, and getting in to fights really have to do with your team winning? It's Neanderthal behavior plain and simple.

While this goes for all sports I'm currently talking about Montreal. Sure the Habs squeaked out a win against Boston that many hockey fans thought would have been an easy series victory. Yay, exciting! Did someone forget to mention to Habs fans that this was just the first round of the playoffs? Even more importantly is the fact that they will face a tough competitor in the Flyers who are coming off of a fairly one sided series win against Washington that was decided tonight.

It does your team's victory injustice to go about vandalizing the home city. I'll go so far as to say that those doing the vandalizing are not true fans of the sport. Or at least I'm determined to think that true fans would celebrate in a less destructive way.

There was laughter here...

2008-03-18T23:44:00.000-04:00

I have the laugh lines of my mother.
Crinkles around the eyes that, like an explorer's flag being thrust into the ground
Bear witness that there was laughter here.

I cannot deny the marks left behind
From gleeful moments of smiles and giggles.
Yet many times I find it hard to recall those times.

Were they that long ago?
There was laughter here.
And it has quietly snuck out the back door.

No, there IS laughter here.
Each day is a new day and I can start over.
Let the laugh lines flourish and the frown lines stay at bay for another day.

"Thanks, but no thanks."

2008-02-28T23:37:00.001-05:00

I am humbled.
Life has shaken me to my very core with humility.
With doubt.
I have been measured and found to be lacking.

Lacking in what? Ah, therein lies the rub.
I don’t know, for there is not much to gather from four simple words.
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
These words are my Achilles heel. My Kryptonite.

It has been over a month now and I risk losing everything.
Everything I foolishly bought that has become the monkey on my back.
The weight that makes climbing out of the hole I’m in almost impossible.
Still, my place, my possessions, are all I have - there is no dignity left to be had.

Yet material possessions do not fill voids they can only mask them.
At what point in my life did I veer so off course?
There are no positives, only negatives.
My life has become a black hole, a void that is gapingly empty.

Every way I turn there are holes.
Like fishnet stockings held together only by the thinnest of threads.
Fast friendships have dissolved, employment has dissolved, love life? D.O.A.
The latter because I was foolish enough to mistake the B.S. for truth.

Like Robert Johnson, I stand before a crossroad.
Do I too sell my soul to the Devil for unworldly talents?
People want me to be little miss Susie sunshine so I put on a brave face.
It’s enough to win me an Oscar.

The strong arms of a lover, a shoulder to cry on, someone to take care of you.
A perfect job that is your calling to throw yourself into to forget the rest.
These tangible comforts solve the world’s problems.
I have neither job, nor lover and am left to defend the demons at the door on my own.

To stay positive one has to be getting SOMETHING back.
One aspect of a person’s life needs to be above mediocre.
Damnit I AM more than mediocre! So why isn’t my life fabulous?
Why is the wolf at my door threatening me with my utter destruction?

"It don't take a word/Not a single word/Go on and kiss the girl"

2008-02-13T21:06:00.002-05:00

There's a moment that every person experiences at least once in their life. That moment when you are talking to someone and you get the feeling they are thinking about kissing you, that they want to kiss you. The air becomes electrically charged, your heart starts to race, and you start to wonder if they'll make the move or if you should. I love that moment, it's one of the most exciting things about meeting someone new, the anticipation of the first kiss. It can also be the most frustrating when you're feeling that vibe but nothing happens.

I'm a firm believer that the guy needs to always make the first move (first kiss, asking out first, initiate sex first)... once the first time is over then it's all on the table, but that first move needs to be made by the guy. Call me old fashioned but I don't think I'm scary, the dude has to be able to gather up enough courage to take the risk, I like to believe I make it very obvious if I'm attracted to someone. If they can't muster up the guts to make that move what else will they wuss out on later?

The problem with that "he wants to kiss me" vibe is that if he doesn't make the move a girl is left wondering if she made it up all in her head or not.

It's annoying.

Fading Away

2008-02-07T22:26:00.000-05:00

I have spent too much time with myself as of late; lost in my own personal nightmare. Like Alice, I have fallen down the rabbit hole and have found myself in a topsy-turvy world.

There is nothing like a job search to shake your self-confidence to its very core. I think I've applied to over 80 jobs the last couple of weeks, I've had one interview that led to nothing, and other than that no one is biting. It looks like I could lose all the ground I have gained over this past year of breaking my back to pay off my stupidities. Question is, where to go from here? Am I really that undesirable as a worker that I can be let go out of the blue with a flick of the wrist like I'm a fly to be swatted away? My work experiences count for something, but so far they have done nothing for me. No one wants to hire me, am I that deficient in work now like I am in relationships? Is it a reflection on myself or on them that I was let go?

How does one become a hooker? I've done the whole sex without emotion thing for years... why not do it again but get paid for it? I wonder what my going rate is, what am I worth for a night? If only the stories told in movies were true, I too could be taken off the streets by a handsome bachelor who doesn't know how to drive a stick shift sports car and given the good life on a silver platter. That's the thing about movies, they're just that. In real life Julia Roberts wouldn't be a hooker nor would Richard Gere be there, falling in love with a girl from the streets and wanting to bring her in to his rich world.

And if not a hooker, how about pulling an Anna Nicole Smith and marrying an old man who will leave me everything in his will as I swear that it was real love despite the age difference. Great in theory but like the above... I'm at a lack of ideas on how to go about this scheme.

I feel like I have been locked in solitary confinement left alone with my mind that is screaming in frustration about how I am going to manage to pay my bills at the end of the month let alone March and on without any job leads or promises. I guess I learned the hard lesson that sweet talk and a picture painted that sounded too good to be true was just that... false promises and I'm the fool to have left a job for them. One of my good friends keeps telling me I need to stop the negative energy, if I think positively good things will happen, but how can one not be negative about this situation?

A reader called for an update on my life but unfortunately I have nothing to update. My life consists of spending hours on my computer looking at any and every job posting web site I can think of and applying for jobs, whoring myself out to pimps who keep turning their backs on me, not wanting me to become part of their stock. I felt guilty spending the $20 including tip today getting my hair cut, I haven't gone out in I don't know how long, I have friend in various cities calling for me to visit and I don't even see a near future opportunity when that can happen. Life costs money, breathing costs money - money I no longer have.

Goldberg is gone, after making a midnight escape from my apt (more or less), I have not heard from him since. Benedick is... Benedick. I need that man in my life right now so badly it hurts, someone to take charge... make me feel safe and that everything will be ok, someone to take my mind off all my worries at night so that I can finally get some sleep. But like always, he ain't there so I am left to take care of myself further shutting myself off from the world.

I feel so lost, in a little over a week I'll be 27...27 years old and what do I have to show for it? Not much, I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. It's been a crazy year so far, so much has changed and yet so much has stayed the same. It's really kind of sad.

I Come With a Warning Label

2008-01-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

As people get older they run the risk of carrying more baggage... it's the risk we have to take when living life to its fullest. Baggage isn't always a bad thing, it makes you who you are in the present. It makes you wiser if a little more hesitant to put yourself out there again. Everyone has their quirks they've developed because of the baggage they carry.

A lot of times in the dating world baggage kills a relationship before it even has a chance to start. Perhaps one person is too pushy to spend the night when the other needs a little more time to get there but genuinely wants to reach that point. If this isn't made clear the person doing the pushing could walk away with a shake of their head when everything would have fallen in to place given time. Wouldn't it be easier if we all came with warning labels? It's ok to be a little gun shy after being burnt, and if the other person knows this it could clear up any mixed signals that would come along.

Warning: future crazy cat lady... help!

Warning: will lose interest as soon as I sleep with you.

Warning: I'm so scared of commitment that I will tell you I don't want to get serious when it's all I can think about.

Warning: I live at home in my parent's basement.

Whatever the warning, how much simpler would things be if we knew these at the start?

Goldberg came over last night and out of left field asked me what I'm looking for. I told him I want a relationship, he told me that he's recently out of a serious relationship and the wounds are still fresh, that he's not looking for anything serious right now. But that he enjoys hanging out with me, he just wanted to be up front and honest. Honesty, wow that's a first. I reminded him that we've only known each other for a week so there's still plenty of getting to know you time needing to happen before we even get to that crossroad. He surprised me, usually I'm agonizing over needing definition but scared to ask. I hadn't even started to think about that with him as I'm just getting to know him. Yet as much fun as Goldberg is, he's not the type of guy I can see myself getting serious with. Goldberg flashed his warning label and now we're on the same page so it's all good.

Ah but it always comes back to Benedick doesn't it? Things have taken an interesting turn that I'm not exactly sure how it will play out. He's a boy with some warning labels he's keeping in a closed hand so I am left confused in the dark. It would be a whole lot easier if he showed me some of his cards so I knew what type of hand he was playing.

In the end time reveals most things, sadly along with time comes frustration. And I'm getting frustrated.

On a totally different note if y'all haven't heard of Chris O'Brien you need to check him out. "Ocean Stone" is brilliant and I can't wait until the CD arrives so I can listen to it in its entirety.

Another obsession of mine is Alanis Morissette's song "Forgive Me Love" it's so beautifully painful and simple. It gives me chills.

I went to your house,
Walked up the stairs,
I opened your door without ringing the bell,
I walked down the hall,
Into your room,
Where I could smell you.
And I.
Shouldn't be here,
Without permission.
Shouldn't be here.

Would you forgive me love?
If I danced in your shower?
Would you forgive me love?
If I laid in your bed?
Would you forgive me love?
If I stay all afternoon.

I took off my clothes,
Put on your robe,
Went through your drawers, And I found your cologne.
Went down to the den,
Found your CD's,
And I played your Joni,
And I.
Shouldn't stay long.
You might be home soon,
I Shouldn't stay long.

Would you forgive me love?
If I danced in your shower?
Would you forgive me love?
If I laid in your bed?
Would you forgive me love?
If I stay all afternoon.

I burned your incense,
I ran a bath,
I noticed a letter that sat on your desk.
It said hello love.
I love you so love.
Meet me at midnight,
And no.
It wasn't my writing.
I better go soon.
It wasn't my writing.

So forgive me love.
If I cry in your shower.
So forgive me love.
For the salt in your bed.
So forgive me love.
If I cry all afternoon.

Resolutions Made... Resolutions Broken

2008-01-10T14:22:00.000-05:00

The dawning of a new year brings about a feeling in most people that changing that four digit number at the end of the date is an opportunity to become a better version of you. A new year is the chance to turn over a new leaf - stop a bad habit, lose some weight, spend more time with friends and family, etc. People make countless resolutions that are forgotten a week in to January with the notion that at least you tried, maybe next year you'll do better.

Maybe next year... a cop out reasoning to failure. In the end that's what a broken resolution is - failure, by not kicking the habit/the bad boyfriend/those few extra pounds you are selling yourself short. So my resolution this year is to no longer sell myself short. I have always been a giver, I give 200% of myself to everyone in my life and rarely save anything for myself. I deserve to only have friends who care about me and who are not completely and utterly selfish and self-centered. To those who use and abuse me, see ya! I also deserve to not be taken advantage of by my family - this is a harder battle but I am working on it.

I'd be lying if I said that I was holding firm to this resolution when it comes to guys though. If something is said to be over before it has even begun, if it has an expiration date on it, then shouldn't I put the nail in the coffin and officially end it? I should, but I can't for various reasons. I know I am not being fair to myself, I want a guy who can't keep his hands off of me, a guy who won't let too many days go before he sees me again. Yet I'm young and I should allow myself to enjoy the moment. And the moment is good if I keep the "what does this mean!" voices quiet.

Besides, I have a potential new distraction. And Goldberg is doing just that, he's touching base with me after a few days, he's asking to grab a drink. It looks like he wants to see more of me even if I don't know in what capacity. And while Benedick is far more appropriate of a match for me as boyfriend material, there's something about Goldberg that makes me grin.

Perhaps then I should make a new resolution - to enjoy the moment and to stop over thinking everything. Easier said than done but I'm going to give it my best shot. 'Cause honey, I'm single and fabulous and I should be enjoying the moment regardless of the end result.

'Cause I Am Barely Breathing

2007-12-17T21:53:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here debating about if 10pm is too early for me to go to bed when I'm not sick regardless that I'm tired, watching VH1's 100 Greatest Songs of the 90's and thinking about how much innocence I have lost since the 90s. Everyone grows up but I matured a little later than the norm when it came to my body, boys, and sex. Sadly, I was ahead of the curve on watching a marriage fall apart before my eyes growing more and more jaded about love and relationships.

I distinctly remember getting up every morning in the late 90s, looking at myself in the mirror, and loathing myself. My hatred went far beyond teenage angst; it grew in to a constant state of barely being able to breathe to the point of me wanting to simply just stop breathing for good to end the pain. It's sad, I wish that I could go back in time and tell myself that I shouldn't worry about all of the things I let get me down back then, that it would all work out in the end. Ironically I've traded those teenage doubts in for adult ones adding to it the potential regret of a night on the town and a royal hangover the following day. I envy those who are able to pull off confidence ('cause lets face it, everyone has their inner demons of self doubt raging under the surface), then again maybe confidence and being able to pull it off is just like poker... ya gotta know how to get away with a good bluff when you're holding a losing hand. I never could bluff, I've always been a bad liar - I haven't decided if that's a good thing in the long run or not yet.

Either way mirrors for me are something I need to brace myself for, to attempt to squash the demons I know will arise before I can hear them. I think this is why I've grown in to a person so reliant on the opinions of others. If they think I'm [fill in your own complementing adjective] then perhaps I actually am even if I don't believe it. The irony is I hate it so much, that I am so full of self doubt that I have to register my self worth based on what I believe others think of me. It's pathetic - but they are my demons to bear and hopefully one day to vanquish.

Perhaps that's why when starting out being intimate with men I chose to go the "guy route" when it came to sex. I chose to have hookups where I wouldn't have to see the guy again, there were no emotions, I was never hurt - though I was torturing myself with wondering why guys were interested in only seeing me naked but nothing more. Yet there is a certain appeal to hook ups, knowing you won't see the person again you can release your inhibitions and just enjoy the moment; as Prince said in his song Gett Off, "23 positions in a one night stand."

I have matured though, I got a little bruised in the process - but I am determined to not regret anything that I have done. Without the 90s and all of its bad fashion, I would not be the woman I am today. This decade has had a lot more heartache in it, but it has also had so many more happy moments than the one before that I can only hope the next decade will be even better.

With an eventful year drawing to a close I am left to wonder what 2008 has in store for me. While it will be another New Year's Eve with no guy to kiss when the ball drops, I am determined to remain hopeful that 2008 will be a great year. I also will not make any resolutions since they are never kept anyway so why further stress myself out. :-)

On my drive to the mall tonight a song came up on my iPod I haven't heard in years. The lyrics hit home and encouraged me to reflect on how I let little things impact my self-worth. Lately I have been feeling completely unsexy, I am so unsure of myself, of the value I hold on the single market.. there must be a reason why I'm still single, I just have so much love to give and no one to give it to that it gets frustrating and I can't help but question how much of a "prize" I am. Later tonight I headed in to Victoria's Secret to try on some items and I made sure to look straight in to the mirror... sure my skin is whiter than a ghost but that used to be coveted as alabaster skin. I could lose a few pounds, but so could most people. I had to smile, I didn't look half bad.... and that is an amazing feeling. Perhaps it's the little victories that might only last for a minute that keep me going; but they are better than nothing in the long run.

Alanis Morissette, "So Unsexy"

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood and
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked and
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated and
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting you baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally and
How these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
So unsexy

The Past Always Comes Back To Haunt Your Present

2007-12-07T22:59:00.000-05:00

I know I shouldn't let this get to me but pathetically it's taking all I've got to not cry right now.

I read something today that I didn't like, I know I could be reading too much in to things but I cannot help but think that it is about me. In short, that I was OK and served my purpose but that he's upgraded and now has a winner. Call me a bitch, call me crazy, but I'd like to think I'm a hell of a lot more than "eh, she was alright" and someone easily traded for a winner.

I have moved on from Mr. Dishonesty, why can't I move on from the situation? Why almost a year later can he still have this effect on me? More importantly, why do I even fucking care?

I hate this, I'm so tired of it.... My own words prove that I was never head over heels with him and that instead weeks in to our starting whatever it was that I was thinking about bailing. I became attached because I'm a female and sharing a bed with him on a regular basis does that but not because I was falling for him. I hate myself for actually caring about how he regards what it was (and how I was). I don't want to have to torture myself constantly about how I must not be good enough for a guy like that to end things with me and then make comments like that (again, I know I'm assuming the comment was about me).

What kills me is that I know I know he's not worth any of this - my emotions nor my efforts in blogging about him. He doesn't deserve to have had me talk to him let alone share a bed with him and that he should be on his knees every night thanking some higher power that caused me to give him the time of day. (Perhaps that's going a little overboard with the analogy.) Yet he's the one with the girlfriend of now almost a year who apparently is far better than me in his mind and I'm still the single one - and not for lack of trying this past year yet I keep striking out.

I know it's petty, but it's not fair. *I'm* the good one why do I continuously seem to be punished?

And it's so hard for me, I resent that as much as I want him to fall off the face of the earth he seems to have weaseled his way in to my life for good as long as I keep some of the friends I have and live in this city - and it's not that I personally see him or have to talk to him, that would be easier. But no this is far worse, his is a name I read and hear on a far too regular basis. Like the fly that keeps buzzing around your head no matter how much effort you put in to trying to smash them it seems that he is someone I'm gonna have to deal with as much as I don't want to.

It's just so fucking frustrating. And it makes me hate myself for how I react and how I allow myself to be flooded with self doubt and loathing. His opinion - on anything, means less than nothing to me yet I'm sitting here seriously wounded thinking about the potential of how he views me (and therefore my skills and qualities as a woman).

I have so much going for me and I know I could make the right guy so happy - why can't it happen? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, that Fate has a plan all laid out for me - what did I do to piss Fate off this much that I cannot have what I want no matter how hard I try to find it? Yes, there's the cliche no one will love you until you can love yourself but it's so hard to love myself when it's clear that no one else does - that guys can meet me and easily move on with their lives without me like I'm nothing. At the rate I'm going I'm going to be an old maid long before my hair goes white.

Taking a Leap of Faith

2007-12-03T23:34:00.000-05:00

“Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.”
- Benedick, Much Ado About Nothing

Those who know me can attest to the fact that when it comes down to it, I cannot speak my mind, especially when it comes to my emotions with guys. Part of it is due to lack of experience… when you have one night stands and unemotional hook ups you never have to have the “where is this going” discussion. There are parts of me that are severely behind in maturity levels – it’s not for lack of trying that I haven’t really dated, just bad luck that has caused me to be a lap behind other women my age (or younger).

Perhaps the larger part of why I never speak up is that I’m terrified that I’ll be alone and never have another chance at anything. With the beauty of hindsight I have come to realize that something is not always better than nothing. Especially when that something consists of me being unhappy and spending time with someone who is bad energy for me. I did myself severe injustice by not ending my last relationship, if I had it would have saved me months of beating myself up, wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him to want to include me in his life. But you know what? It’s not me being good enough that is in question; it’s him – he was not, nor ever will be, good enough to be included in my life. I should have realized that sooner, but the true lessons learned are the tough ones that leave you a little worse for wear in the end.

I may be stubborn and difficult at times, but I know that I am an amazing woman that any guy would be lucky to share a bed with and would be stupid to not claim me as theirs. However it is always easier to say than to accomplish.

I haven’t heard from The Wanderer since late October, which is sad news but I knew the day would come when we would lose touch. I hope he is doing well and sincerely hope he gives me a call if he’s ever in the area so we can grab a drink.

It’s funny how distance works, it doesn’t matter how much fun you can have with a person the distance will sooner or later break you. The Boy Who Got Away will always be just that because with him being a starving artist and me being, well broke, neither of us have the time to take off from work nor the money to be able to fly/drive to see each other. I haven’t seen him since January 2003 and I miss him, which reminds me I do owe him a phone call.

Distance can work the other way too. Benedick is now within easy dating range. But that has thrown a wrench in to the system…. Because of the distance we started out as two adults having fun. Now things are different, or rather, they can be different. Once again I am in a situation where I want to ask, “Where is this going” but am scared to be “that girl” and speak too soon. I know that talking on the computer is far from time spent in person in respects to getting to know someone and evaluating their date-ability; which makes it all that much harder to decide on when is the right time to start voicing concern.

Benedick is not like other guys I’ve been interested in. For one, he seems to have his shit together and is an actual man. I think he’s someone who could push me to the next level of my personal growth, test my boundaries to becoming a better person. This became evident today when I took a giant step of my own in what has turned in to a leap of faith. I brought up the subject of not being interested in a hook up and we actually talked about it like two adults. For the first time in I think ever when it has come to a guy I’m interested in, I have said what was on my mind.

At this point I’m sure you’re wondering what the big deal is… this is HUGE for me. My usual MO is to hope for the best without voicing my concerns while I cry myself to sleep at night and harass my friends for their analysis of every single breath I recount to them praying that a solution will be made and I can live happily ever after. This time I made sure that I wasn’t a welcome mat to be walked over and while I am unsure of the outcome right now, the important part is that I said my part and I have decided to take a risk.

I told Benedick I wasn’t interested in a friends with benefits situation and we talked it out. The schoolgirl in me had hoped that he would tell me of course he wanted a relationship with me and how silly of me to doubt that. Sadly, reality is never like the fairy tales – perhaps that is a good thing though. If love came easily wouldn’t we take it for granted just like Americans with their freedom? If it came easily there would be little hardship and therefore minimal personal growth.

Today proved just how far I’ve come even while I was shaking from nerves and laughing at myself for them. I realized that I did something I should be proud of today. Instead of just keeping my mouth shut and “going along” with the situation knowing it wasn’t on the track I wanted it to be on but hoping there would be a turn down the way, I actually voiced what I wanted and even more importantly, what I didn’t want. In the end Benedick cannot give me what I want right now nor does he know if he ever will be able to. What impressed me the most and made me realize that I made the right choice for now, was that after I expressed that I was cool with playing it casual for the time being he was worried that now knowing where I would like things to head, that I might get the impression that with him agreeing to continue having fun would be the same as him promising down the road things could change when he couldn’t promise me anything.

I am lying to myself slightly saying that I’m fine with keeping things casual right now. I like the idea of being with him, I love how easily he fits in with my friends, but more importantly I believe in fate. There is a reason he came in to my life and why I felt an immediate connection with him before I knew much more than his name and profession. I have come to realize this afternoon that “love” is about taking chances and even the slightest possibility of something there is worth the risk of me getting bruised in the process. Even more importantly, perhaps the reason fate brought him to me was for this moment, where I finally found my voice.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m just crushing on Benedick, nothing more at this point. Yet the situation has helped me to recognize a larger picture, just like Tristran in Stardust I have seen a hole in the wall that overlooks a field of possibilities. Ok, so perhaps that analogy is a little cheesy but it made my point.

Despite the snow and horrible driving conditions I do believe I managed to keep my feet under me. While it was stressful and I know I never would have been able to say what I needed to in the way I wanted to in person, the important part is that I had the “where is this going?” speech and I survived it.

Who knows what will happen with Benedick and I. Perhaps I’ll become his Beatrice, only time will tell. Regardless of if the ending is happy or sad I know that this time I will have no regrets about what I didn’t say and that is oddly comforting.

Unexpected Sightings

2007-11-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

So I went out last night to say goodbye to a coworker who is leaving. There was a whole bunch of us out and while we separated out in to various groups of people most mingled between the "cliques" through the night.

At one point I noticed a bunch of the women leaving in a pack and going the opposite direction of the bathroom. When one got back I asked her where they went. She informed me that a former coworker was at said bar and they went over to say hi. She encouraged me to do the same, little did she know that this former coworker was "the first".

After kicking myself for not dressing up and looking hot, I decided I needed to see for myself how he's been (and more importantly if time has been kind). Two of the women from my group were still talking to him as I approached the table he was sitting at with an unfortunate looking girl. He's no Brad Pitt but he's not bad looking, she on the other hand was fugly... and not his wife. I learned later after noticing no wedding ring that they had divorced about a year in to the marriage because he cheated on her a bunch of times.

Ironically when I was spending time with him he told me that he had cheated on almost every single one of his girlfriends... guess the saying holds true - once a cheater always a cheater.

When I walked up he looked surprised to see me, said hi, and then promptly continued talking to the other girls and ignored me... ouch. Perhaps it was because he was so awed at how much I've grown up in the last 5 years that he could not bring himself to talk to me. At least that's the story I'm sticking with for my ego.

The encounter made me realize that there are only 3 men from my past who I really would prefer never to have to see again. There's Mr. False Promiser who I met during a weekend conference/training session who did just that, made a bunch of false promises only for me to find out weeks later that after spending the night with me he went home and popped the question to his girl friend. Nice right? There's Mr. Two-Timer... the guy who swept me off my feet, the world stopped when we kissed, and then I woke up and found out he had a girlfriend the entire time. And the last is Mr. Dishonesty.. I've blogged about him before and that's as far as I need to go in to for now.

But The First... I actually would have really liked to have had the opportunity to sit down and catch up with him. I used him as much as he used me and our ending was obvious so there are no hard feelings or lingering emotions.

Guess this time my past doesn't want to deal with me. Perhaps we'll run in to each other in a different situation and will be able to catch up on life. Or perhaps we won't as we were not friends before we got together so there is no reason for us to be friends now. Either way, it was good to see The First though, and I hope that life treats him well.

Trick or Treating for Adults....

2007-11-02T11:42:00.000-04:00

So I met up with my step bro and his mom to take him trick or treating in their small New England town. I had heard rumors of jello shots being given out when I worked in town but never saw it for myself.... until tonight.

Certain houses were blatantly handing out jello shots for adults while another person gave candy to the kids... one woman was carrying around a bag that instead of candy had jello shots in it for her to give out to fellow parents as she walked.

Who knew I'd be doing jello shots while I walked the streets with the bro collecting candy.

Makes me smile.... the amount of adults in costumes made me laugh as well tonight.

Happy Halloween!

A Few Tricks, But No Treats

2007-10-28T20:42:00.000-04:00

Each season has it’s own distinctive features: crisp air, burnt orange colored leaves, these are the tell tale signs that it is Fall in New England. Fall is my favorite season, and ok, perhaps I’m a closet leaf peeper but I do love taking a drive and seeing how the foliage has begun to change color. One of my favorite photos of me as a child was taken when I was around the age of 2 and I’m laying in a pile of leaves the same color as my hair. Perhaps fall is the season for redheads, if nothing else it provides the perfect complementing backdrop for us.

Fall also means Halloween – one of my favorite holidays. Halloween is a time to give girls the get out of jail free card to be out in public dressed in as little clothing as possible and not run the risk of being shunned from decent society. I have always been a fan of dressing up; I think I’m an actress at heart (minus the talent); there is something so appealing in being able to slip in to a character unlike oneself for a while. I saw my costume this year in a store window and had to try it on, it was perfect and I couldn’t wait to wear it out.

My friends and I planned on hitting up one of our regular haunts because they were having a Halloween party. There were some great costumes there, and it was enjoyable to walk around and have people recognize whom I dressed up as. At one point a woman dressed as Dorothy made eye contact with me, pointed, smiled, and yelled “Alice!” From there we bounced to another bar so we could meet up with other friends and dance the remainder of the night away. It was there that I realized I’m old.

I gave the bouncer my money and walked in to a swarm of grown ups trying to mingle with the coeds in a vain attempt at clinging to their younger years while the coeds were too busy getting drunk and looking for a hook up to notice the people who could be their parents watching them. The place was hot, further encouraging the shedding of layers of clothing; but what was worse was the smell – a cross between a dirty bathroom at a truck stop and a locker room. Sounds like a great place right? At 26 years of age this should still be my stomping ground yet I felt like a square block being forced in to a round hole by a toddler not understanding that the two do not belong together.

So I danced, biding my time until the lights would turn on shocking people back in to reality and perhaps embarrassment once the harsh light showed them that the person they’ve been flirting with all night is more beast than prince(ss). I began to survey the room like I always do in a crowded place, looking for familiar faces and taking in how other people are interacting. I don’t like crowds; people make me nervous especially social situations like bars where you have no personal space. It takes me awhile to feel comfortable and I much prefer being the wallflower than the center of attention as much as that may go against my only child ways.

What struck me was the attire some women were in, particularly a cowgirl who chose to wear chaps with only a pair of navy boy shorts with white stars on them underneath. Yes, that’s correct… she essentially was at a bar in her underwear – isn’t that a recurring nightmare for some people? What topped it off was her stripper like dancing that she continued to do with her friends and a male cowboy. Now I’m all for showing cleavage and wearing pants than show off my butt – yet parading around in a bar with my butt cheeks hanging out is going too far. Perhaps she took a wrong turn on her way to Mark’s Showplace and ended up there, or perhaps she’s just a slut. Her attire and antics made me feel so old though, along with causing me to be slightly uncomfortable with her dancing near me.

I did have an amusing moment when heading to get a drink at the first bar I ran into a couple I dog sit for… yes, now they’ve seen me running around a bar in a Halloween costume. :-) It was nice though, I’ve dog sat for them for years but haven’t actually seen them for I think around two years, we talk via phone and email and I know the code for their garage so there hasn’t been a need for face-to-face interaction. They’re cool people who greatly deserve to be parents, it’s a shame that the adoption process is depriving them of that as they enter in to year two of trying to adopt – but that’s an aside.

In the end the night didn’t go as I had hoped, it was an ok time but nowhere near an amazing night. I think I looked hot as Alice but there were no treats at the end of the night for this girl. I partially feel too old to be hitting the bar scene in a costume as the 21 year olds are out in fashion and acting in ways that shock me. However, I still wish that Halloween came more than once a year so I might just have to start throwing a costume party or two during the year just for fun.

"You Know I'm No Good"

2007-10-26T16:28:00.000-04:00

So I had a nightmare last night that all of the guys I have slept with were actually friends with each other and compared notes on how I was. That would be scary, makes my skin crawl... I like to have a clean slate and to not have to deal with the past.

On another note I think that it should be illegal for people to make dresses that only a contortionist would be able to zip up themselves.... not all of us women live with someone to zip them up. I was trying on dresses for the holiday company parties season and found two that I was in love with and made me look like I had a perfect body... they fit... like I could reach behind and connect both ends of the dress with a little room to spare yet try as hard as I could, I could not them zipped up completely I'd stop at 3/4 of the way done. How the heck does that work?

It reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Samantha could not unclasp her bracelet.

Relationship Purgatory

2007-10-25T22:42:00.000-04:00

I have come to realize over the last year that while I may not have a lot of relationship experience under my belt, that I am an overly caring person who has the tendency to put myself out there 200 % when I care about someone. That carries over in to friendships as well, in many cases I feel that I give far more than I get in return. But this is particularly tricky when it comes to guys and dating. I am the girl who will remember the little things you say about that killer meeting you have next week and who will send you an email/text wishing you luck on said day. I will bake you cookies if you've had a stressful week in hopes that they will bring a smile to your face. The problem lies in that in most cases I end up being the one trying with a guy who is doing minimal work and that is not fair to me nor does he deserve to be treated so well.

I like to think of myself as quirky rather than crazy, but I do know that I am an amazing women who has some emotional hangups and short comings, but who in the end, will make a great girlfriend. To those who can't see that? Well I feel sorry for you 'cause you're missing out on what could be a great story.

My history with men has more holes in it than swiss cheese that generally follows the same timeline - I meet a guy, we hang out, things happen and then it's over before it began and I'm stuck waiting a long time before another opportunity comes my way. For a cute girl I've had far too many dry spells. I am that little puppy in the window wagging her tail looking at you with her big brown eyes begging you to give her a good home where she will be loved... or maybe that's a bad analogy.

For the most part there has been a huge difference between the type of guy I say I'm looking for and the type of guy that I end up with. This became very clear to me at the beginning of the month. I have had this aversion to older men, I think because I do not want to acknowledge that I am now officially, a grown up. I have tended to go for younger guys or ones my age and every time wondering how they always turn out to be idiots and I end up alone. Not this time, I have seen the light of going after a guy who is a little older than me (I'm talking a few years not "you could be my daddy" older); guys who are in their late 20s/early 30s are finally starting to have their shit together. This bodes well for women since most of us are tired of games and guys who like to act like they did back in college forgetting that was years ago.

We're going to call this guy Benedick (as in Beatrice & Benedick not Arnold); he is someone who came in to my life out of the blue and who something clicked in me before I knew anything about him that made me have a need to get to know him. I'd like to think that there might be potential there - he is someone who I think I have a decent amount in common with, but more importantly, is someone who would challenge me to expand my horizons and continue on the path of personal growth. Yet he's keeping his cards close and I don't know much more than that he's attracted to me.

Then there's The Wanderer... he is someone I never expected to hear from again yet I have and while he is not someone I can see myself with nor someone I'd want to date he's the one who is trying to see me again and saying all of these amazing things. In the end The Wanderer is neither here nor there.... he's a cool person but not the right fit for me.

The problem with The Wanderer is that he is making the questions I have about Benedick all that much more obvious. I'm not looking for Benedick to profess his undying love for me... all I'm really looking for is "you're amazing and I would really like to spend more time with you and see where this can go, I'm interested in you and being in a relationship with you" or something like that. :-)

Another issue is that I have never been good at sitting back and waiting for things to happen naturally - I am an only child of the 80s... I need instant gratification. But I also know that I play with the line of being "that girl" and I do not want to be her because she does not end up in a happily ever after story.

So in trying to not be "that girl" I end up in relationship purgatory - the place where you end up investing time in a guy that you are not sure what his intentions with you are. It's a place where you wait for 3 things to happen:

1. You wait for him to turn out to be more interested in playing mind games with you and you call him a jerk and move on.
2. You wait for him to finally disclose at least part of his hand and he eventually opens up to clue you in to where his head is at. This can go two ways and one ends very much like the scenario above.
3. You wait and wait and neither of the above happen so you get fed up and walk away never knowing what really happened.

I think I hate the dance more than anything - I just want to know where I stand but I know I cannot ask. Purgatory is not a fun place, and guys wonder why girls act so crazy - it's 'cause y'all put us in to this position of emotional unease where we have nothing to go on so we are left to over analyze our own thoughts and actions until we can no longer sleep at night. I get that it's a power struggle... you do not disclose your intentions or feelings knowing full well that this ensures you keep the upper hand. It's just not nice is what I'm saying.

However, in the end there is not much choice I have in the matter. So until I am clued in I will remain in purgatory blogging away trying to make sense of things. I pray I will not be stuck for too long.

Vanishing Act

2007-10-16T16:22:00.000-04:00

I will be the first to admit that the majority of women have a tendency to forget their regular life once a boy works his way in to the picture. Life becomes all about said boy and friends are left by the wayside. While I have never turned my back on my friends, I am not completely guilt free. If a boy has caught my attention he tends to be my topic of choice so my friends are forced to hear all about him and my theories about what is happening.

I had hoped that this was a trend that would fade away as my friends and I entered in to the world of mature dating (if there even is such a thing), but that is not the case. There is a very valid reason why single girls secretly wish that all of their female friends stay single... that way they will never be forgotten about.

Being a lifer in the single world it seems sometimes, I have been the forgotten one too many times. So here is my suggestion to everyone out there: make time to spend with your significant other, and time to spend with your friends... keep these more or less separate unless you can socialize with both easily without making your friends feel like they are crashing your date. In other words, don't invite one of your female friends out knowing she will be showing up alone to then leave her surrounded by strangers so you can have time with your boy. It's a little rude, then again I don't think the majority if Americans know what manners are anymore.

The thing that baffles my mind is that these girls seem to so easily forget a very simple fact - that boy they are all about? Yeah his chances of staying in the picture for the long haul are slim to none. Common sense would be then to not ignore your friends since they are in your life for a lot longer than that boy.

Or perhaps I'm just crazy and my way of looking at the situation is entirely wrong. But I sincerely hope that if I become one of these girls, that my friends will give me a swift kick in the ass.

"Love Song For No One"

2007-10-11T00:10:00.000-04:00

Every once in awhile you encounter a piece of writing that sheds light on yourself and becomes something that will stick with you forever. Sylvia Plath wrote “Mad Girl’s Love Song” which I studied in college is one of those pieces. Plath repeats one line over and over again in the poem, “I think I made you up inside my head.” I know that I have been guilty of this, be it a complete fictional person or taking someone in my life and creating a story around them that is more to my liking than reality.

There’s a safety in living inside my mind because there, I can control all factors and am never thrown a curve ball. In my head I get the guy, and he is perfect for me. Reality is generally on the other side of the spectrum… I may get a guy, but he rarely turns out to be anything more than a loser I should never have wasted my time on to begin with…. A certain guy who flirted for a while, said all the right things, and turned out to have had a girlfriend the entire time comes to mind as a perfect example of my luck. The luck of the Irish is the unluckiest kind.

Yet living in my head means that there is no physical contact and I crave that more than most things. The soft grazing of fingers across my forehead pushing my unruly hair out of my face, a hand on the small of my back while in a crowd keeping me close so I don’t get bumped in to, the millions of small gestures that mean so much more than the one making them will ever know.

I was asked this weekend how I could be single. Why am I still single? I hate that question, regardless of the vain it is meant in, it implies that I am defective, clearly there must be something wrong with me or else I would have been snatched up by now and living happily ever after. In some sense I am defective, I live too much inside of my mind, which causes me to be misunderstood, or for me to get blinded by what I want to see versus what is actually in front of me. But in reality I want to find love so much it hurts, I want love more than most single girls in their mid 20s and yet I keep shooting myself in the foot to spite my face in my hunt for it.

There is a reason why there are so many poems about girls in love where their sanity can be questioned. We are driven there by the games that men seem insistent upon playing. I will never understand why a guy cannot be upfront with a girl about his intentions or what is running through his mind about her and if there is potential there or not. Sure, I don’t want a guy who proclaims his favorite movie of all time is the Notebook, but I wouldn’t mind one that tells me what he thinks of me.

Yet if we bring up the topic too soon we become “that girl” and no female wants to be her so we allow ourselves to be mentally tortured by the thoughts running rampant through our minds because we don’t know what the great guy we went on a date or two with is thinking. I am quick to judge and have never been known for my patience… if I am in to a guy, he’ll know it; I just wish that the guy could do the same. But they never do because there is power in their games, they know that by remaining closed off they ensure the girl will spend double the amount of time thinking about him, analyzing his every word with her girlfriends and will be putty in his hands. It’s just plain cruel.

Right now I’m a little confused and I’m trying to just let the cards fall where they will, but I’ve never been very good at letting things happen on their own time. I have two doors in front of me, behind one is someone who has paid me so many compliments that I never hear but there are more negatives than positives in that situation. Behind the other door is someone who is closed off but who has helped to fill in a large piece of the puzzle of what I am looking for in a man and is someone I think I could really like.

I swear, when it rains it pours… I’ve been joking with my friends about how I should really write a book for I have some great stories to tell about the situations I tend to get myself in to. At least those in my life can count on me for a good story every now and again.

Yet I am still writing my love song for no one, the person I have either not met yet or don’t know has those feelings for me. And yes, I am directly referring to the John Mayer song (lyrics posted at the end of my ramble). Mayer says, “I’m jaded I hate it” as am I… I am not saying I want to change my last name any time in the near future. Please, I’m a product of divorced parents; I’m far too cynical about love and marriage to want it all now. But I am tired of being alone and cannot help but to think that perhaps I am doing something wrong.

The more I think about it though the clearer it becomes… I’m not so much tired of being alone as I am tired of being confused by silly boys. Does that make me a silly girl? I know that I am temperamental and often times irrational, but I do know that I am worthy of an amazing man; guess he just needs to hurry up and get here.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

"Mad Girl's Love Song" - Sylvia Plath

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
Oh You'll be so good

“Love Song For No One” by John Mayer

A Chance to Help Out a Good Cause

2007-09-21T14:59:00.000-04:00

I am walking a week from tomorrow to help out with Juvenile Diabetes and could really use your help. All I am asking for is $10.00, that's less than what you'd spend going to the movies or out on the town for a night! Plus any donation, (large or small) will help in the continued research for Juvenile Diabetes... you could be part of the cure.

So please help to sponsor me in the walk if you can.

You can do so by clicking here.

I know that money can be tight for all of us, but wouldn't it be great to be part of the solution that helps to allow children to live healthy, normal lives?

Thanks!

Sword in the Stone

2007-09-16T22:29:00.000-04:00

I had the opportunity the other night to catch up with a college friend who I haven’t seen all that much since we left school despite the fact we both live in the same city and only a couple of miles from each other. Sometimes life gets in the way of being able to share it with friends.

She has recently split from her boyfriend of three years so as we artistically installed a toilet paper holder and began to clean her new apartment our talk naturally led to the boys that we have shared beds with. Recounting my past to a good friend who has been first hand to witness a couple of my juicy stories was like looking through an old photo album – it’s full of all kinds of memories: some beautiful, others ugly.

She called me her provocative friend and I’ll take that as a compliment. While I haven’t left a trail of broken hearts in my wake I have lived my adult life with a carpe diem M.O. If I see something I want and it is available to me I take it and don’t see a problem with that. To me I need as much of a connection with a guy physically as I do with their personality. Because of this I usually opt for running the bases faster than I probably should. I’d honestly rather know if the sexual chemistry is there or not before I get to know a guy really well and potentially fall for his personality to only wind up disappointed when things finally progress into the bedroom.

At some point during the night the following was brought to my attention: I propel guys in to committed relationships…. with other women. I truly do not know what to make of this realization. While it is not true with every guy I have had relations with, it has happened a handful of times. It makes me reflect about myself… I have said for years from my experiences that it seems like guys want to sleep with a redhead to see if the stereotypes are true, but they want to date a blonde or brunette. I don’t deny that there are many quirks that come with being a redhead that I wouldn’t have if I had been born with a different hair color. But I’d like to believe that my being a redhead ensures that the long haul will be a memorable one worth taking rather than just only good enough for a one-night test drive.

Is there something about me that is both the cause of a guy not wanting to be in a relationship with me but also the catalyst that causes them to rush out there to find a woman to be all heavy and serious with? That might be the most hurtful thing that could be said to me. I know I’m quirky and at times difficult, but at the end of the day to steal a line from a Julia Roberts movie: “After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

If this realization is true, that I in fact push boys in to serious relationships with other women, well then I should start charging for my services! I don’t deny that it is slightly ironic, however I choose for the time being until proven differently to look at the situation in another light. Those boys were not worthy; they could not handle me and therefore had to look elsewhere for a potentially lesser woman. I am the sword in the stone waiting for the right knight to set me free from my stone prison.

On a totally different note, I am completely in love with Poco’s “Keep On Trying”. If you have never listened to it, give it a try it’s an old school classic that you might enjoy.

“And on a rainy night two lover’s held each other tight”

2007-09-09T16:17:00.000-04:00

Rain always puts me in a reflective mood. I’ll sit looking out the window, feeling the cool breeze play across my skin waxing nostalgic about my life. Sometimes I’ll think about the future, where my life is going, what adventure will happen next, but usually I think about what has been.

Lately I have been thinking about how amazing hindsight is. I have been flirting with a boy recently and made a comment that would direct his attention to my myspace blog. Knowing that I use it to work through whatever is going through my head I decided to breeze through my postings so that I could delete anything that would completely scare him away. I forgot I had taken care of that earlier when I made a New Year’s resolution to delete all my dark & pathetic posts when I was depressed at the close of 2006.

Doing so caused me to have an epiphany and I’m so thankful I have had this one. Everyone close to me knows I haven’t really dated before because I was never interested in opening myself up on that level. I had sex like a man and tried to keep the hookups void of any emotion. Yet that very action is a complete hypocrisy since I am a very emotional person. After awhile I became tired of hookups and started to yearn for something more, an actual relationship where I could open the gates to the walls I spent so many years fortifying.

In May of 2006 my life would change. I met a boy: as so many stories of romantic angst start and immediately I felt comfortable around him, I was not nervous; there were no butterflies, no jitters. It was like we slipped in to a routine before either of us knew it. From the start I could never put words to what drew me to him. In general he is not my “type”, whatever my type might be. If I hadn’t been introduced to him through friends I never would have even given him (as cliché as the saying is,) the time of day. We had a relationship even though it was not called one, for almost 7 months before he ended things and I had to deal with what most girls experience in their teens. Looking back now I’m embarrassed about how I initially reacted because I’m a much better and bigger person than that.

I knew it was the right thing, and after the immediate shock I quickly stopped missing him or wanting him to knock on my door asking for forgiveness. Yet there was always something that nagged me in the back of my mind that I could never quite figure out. This nagging feeling stopped me from being able to completely move on and put him in the dust behind me. Don’t read too far in to that statement, I had been over him for a long time at this point but I would still slip in to reflection about what went wrong every now and then.

That is, until Thursday when I began to read all of my blog postings I wrote during the time I was with him. They started a little under a month in and they are shocking for me to read now. I was not happy - with him or the “relationship”, and I was seriously mulling over ending it. This baffles me, they are my words set down so I cannot misinterpret them or recall my feelings differently. I cannot deny what I wrote about how I was feeling in the moment. So why did I not end things then?

Part of it was that I was scared of choosing to be alone after so many years of not sharing myself with someone. After all, maybe the unhappiness would fade and it was better than nothing. Ha! I was a silly girl who refused to listen to her gut, the one thing she should know she could always trust.

I was also naïve, I had never been down that road before, and I did not know how to play the game. I knew at the time that I also wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, give him a chance instead of jumping the gun to find out in the end I was wrong. The irony is that that’s exactly what happened anyway – I was wrong. I was wrong to ignore my gut, I was wrong to not stick up for myself and stop the insanity of being in an unhappy situation. Hadn’t I learned anything from Shakespeare? “To thine own self be true.” Yet I was far from that – I allowed myself to be lied to by him and worse, by myself.

I assume the important thing is that the light bulb finally went off, not how long it took to do so. I do not regret being with him nor do I regret the situation. There is no point in regretting how I acted since I cannot go back in time and do things correctly; but I do wish I had listened to what my gut was trying to tell me. After a tumultuous home life I would have imagined that once I was able to decide who would be in my life and who wouldn’t, that I would kick those who were not good enough for me out. If someone hurts me (emotionally or physically) they have no right to be in my world. Perhaps I’m just self-destructive.

I wrote a blog back in August 2006 that’s ending was the catalyst to all of my current enlightenment:

“The one thing that might have helped tonight I couldn't have nor could I ask for.

How to save a life?

Warm hands, strong arms, and assurances that everything will be ok. The power of human contact and a calm voice.

In the end I am alone, now and probably forever. Because who in their right mind would want to love someone unstable like me when there are plenty of 'normal' girls walking around. But I still have a childlike hope that I am wrong and that it will happen, that I'm not a lost cause just yet.

"I am on solitary sand, but in parenthesis".”

I feel sorry for the girl who wrote that and other blogs that summer. Because the truth of the matter is that that one thing I couldn’t ask for would not have been the answer, for I was relying on someone who didn’t deserve that level of my trust. It’s like in an emergency calling your fair weather friend… it makes no sense at all. I know this now and hope I can recall this lesson in the future so I do not repeat mistakes I have already made.

Some people have commented about how they do not understand why I choose to throw all my emotions out there for all my friends to read in my blogs. I never had a real response other than it’s what I felt compelled to do. Now I have a reason. I am so thankful that I did write all of those blogs so that I could have this moment of reflection because without it I would still be lying to myself.

So consider this final closure to that brief chapter of my life. I see now that he was not worth my time then and he certainly is not worth any more of my time now. I was a fool to ignore what I was feeling and to quickly settle for unhappiness.

I will no longer be a fool… at least not in the same way.

Echoes

2007-09-09T15:00:00.000-04:00

So I have decided to change it up a bit and move my blog outside of myspace for the serious stuff. Check back to find my views on life and love and how I suck at both.

Until then, I thought I would start things off with a little bad poetry that I wrote back on 3 April 2007.

Echoes

Bouncing around inside my head like an old arcade game
Simple images go back and forth, slowly, repetitively - constantly.
An inner monologue that has taken off while my mouth is closed tight.

How tight and for how long?
The tapestry of my mind begins to look like one of those dot paintings
Cohesive from far away but a mess of small splotches of color up close.
48 hours of almost complete silence allow my inner voice (voices?) to wander.

Am I making the right choices with my life, am I doing the right thing?
Echoes of worries that never end; never go away.
Work, boys, friends, debt, sex, bills, love, money
A river of emotions each it's own ball bouncing off the walls of my mind.
Little pinging noises as they turn to go the other way like a swimmer doing laps.

I am an over-thinker
Silence does not bode well for those who tend to live in their minds.
Did I learn anything from The Yellow Wallpaper?
Those with too many thoughts need to find a medium to release them.
I am not seeing things in the wallpaper, there are no images creeping in the pattern.
I think things, wave upon wave of what ifs crash in to my mind.

Lady Macbeth cursed for the spots of blood on her hands to disappear.
Spots that only her mind could see, a way for her conscience to express its guilt.
Do I want these echoes gone?
Perhaps they build character, make me stronger.
Or they could be slowly eating away at my sanity, chunk by chunk taken away.

The echoes are a part of me - they are me.
Think happy thoughts and you will fly,
At least that is what Peter told the Darlings.
Think happy thoughts.
Happy thoughts think.
Think thoughts.
Happy.
Thoughts.

Thoughts echoing inside my head as I stay verbally reticent.
The echo is a silent scream.